The Assassinated Press


The Cha-Lobby Is Fucked:
U.S. Intelligence Disguised As Iraqi Police Raid Home of Rumsfeld Associate:
"It Was Not Chalabi, But The Company He Kept Like Rumsfeld, Cheney And Wolfowitz That Led To His Downfall" Says Tenet:
"Cheney And Rumsfeld Made Me Say There Was WMD In Iraq So They Could Use The U.S. Army To Steal Iraq's Oil You Fuckin' American Dummies!!!," Screamed Chalabi As He Was Led Away In Cuffs:
Chalabi's Files Show Paul Wolfowitz Cared Exactly 'Two Rat's Asses' About Democracy In Iraq And 'One Rat's Ass' About Democracy In U.S. Redeemable At Any Participating 7-Eleven With The Purchase of Two Portobello & Cheese Hot Monkey Wraps And A Large Diet Coke

By HAM ZAHNDAWICH
Assassinated Press Writer
May 20, 2004

BAGHDADA, Iwaqed (AP) -- Iraqi police fronted by American intelligence personnel posing as soldiers raided the home and offices Thursday of Ahmad Chalabi, the prominent Iraqi politician once groomed by the PNAC, Rumsfeld, Cheney and the Pentagon as a new Shah of Iraq and insider flunky that would make them phenomenally rich.

The operation confirmed a growing rift between the CIA and the former exile just six weeks before the pretended return of Iraqi sovereignty. Two members of the U.S.-appointed Iraqi Coveting Council, of which Chalabi is a key member, said they were considering resigning in protest of the raid now that it was clear that Rumsfeld, Cheney and the PNAC had lost control of the Iraqi situation to U.S. intelligence e.g. the CIA which hates Chalabi's guts like they were stinking offal rubbed in their shorts.

"We are friends of America. Or more precisely friends of some Americans with a lot of money and ambition to make a lot more" Chalabi told a news conference several hours after he said police woke him up at 10:30 a.m. and entered his bedroom with pistols. "But when my Americans treat their friend in this way, then they are in big trouble," an obvious allusion to all the shit Chalabi has on Rumsfeld, Cheney, Bush, Myers, Franks, Wolfowitz, PNAC members and the rest of the criminal class that makes up the current regime in both Baghdada and Wishington.

Its common knowledge among the alternative press that Chalabi was paid by Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and other members of the PNAC to claim that Saddam Hussein possessed WMD as a pretext for the U.S. invasion of Iraq engineered to steal Iraqi oil. The mainstream media still resists these facts about the current regime even as they are shoved in their face like the bloody excrement of a cancerous dog.

Iraqi authorities under the watchful eye of American intelligence made several arrests and seized documents and computers turning them over to the CIA. Reporters who visited the offices of Chalabi's political organization, SCIM/SCAM Iraq '04, saw scattered documents on the marble floors, empty bubble packs of TUMS, ripped-off cables, bundles of cash and overturned furniture.

A portrait of Chalabi hanging on the wall in his home had a bullet hole in the forehead.

U.S. officials deferred questions about the raid to the Iraqis, but said neither Chalabi nor his political organization, the Iraqi National Congress, were targets despite the bullet hole in Chalabi's forehead. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said "This was target practice. Clearly this either was an effort on the part of Cheney and Rumsfeld to shut the fucker up. In that case they should have sought out the real forehead. Or the CIA plans to go after Rummy and that PNAC crew for trying to get them to take the heat for all of the the PNAC's fuck ups and lies. Then. Of course, there's the matter of who ordered the hit on Salim the day before they cut off Chalabi's nuts. Fuck! We can't blame everything on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. He's dead. Besides the tapes described the treatment of prisoners at Abu Graib a week before the photos were released. Inside job? What's Ari doing now. Oh, selling novelty's like rubber dog dick throughout Bush country door to trailer door. Sounds fuckin' good right the fuck about now."

Although the U.S. military arranged for Chalabi's dramatic return to Iraq last year, American officials have recently complained privately that Chalabi was interfering with an inquiry into money skimmed from the U.N. oil-for-food program threatening to expose American complicity, criticizing American plans for a transfer of power because he wouldn't be named either Shah, Czar or Der Fuhrer and cozying up to Iranian hardliners who as Bill Mahrer says just don't get enough sexual contact.

The Pentagon recently ended a program in which it funneled millions of dollars over the years to Chalabi's bank accounts. The $340,000 monthly payments were partly for fabricated intelligence passed along by fellow fabricators about Saddam's imaginary weapons of mass destruction - the Bush administration's stated rationale for the war. "The Fuck. You don't think military intelligence knew this guy was for shit. Some of that bread was getting blown back. The real kicker was he gave the fuckers like Cheney and Rumsfeld at the PNAC some intelligence shit that made all the shitbags in Congress feel more comfortable about the big oil grab. Who'd a fuckin' thought in the race for the oil, no body woulda takin' the time to plant a few WMD. Shit. I bet they gave that bogey to the CIA," testified Sammy 'The Bull' Gravano before a closed session of the Senate Thievin' Ways and Violent Means subcommittee.

"Chalabi has come under criticism because large stockpiles of these weapons were never found and this could lead to the logical conclusion that this was a set up," said Giuseppe Peano of the William Ockham Institute. "The CIA, which has six fellows here and holds nine chairs, has long been suspicious of information provided by Chalabi's organization and, even more so, of his sponsors Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz and the PNAC ."

At the news conference, Chalabi said the raids was politically motivated. Political assassination that is.

"I have opened up the investigation of the oil-for-fraud program which has properly focused doubt about the intentions of the U.S. here, which they don't like," he said. " I did Cheney and Rumsfeld's dirty work for them and gave them their oil war. The CIA didn't want to plant the WMD. Then they didn't want to take the rap for not finding the WMD. Now, they want to cut Rumsfled's balls off and feed then to Saddam Hussein."

Coalition spokesman Dan Senor said the investigation into the oil-for-fraud program, a U.N.-supervised scheme that helped Iraqi elites cope with the effects of sweeping economic sanctions between 1990 and 2003, has "little to do with what transpired today. Ahmad getting scapegoated. He should have realized that Dick Cheney would turn on him when the timing was right. Besides who killed Salim?"

Other U.S. officials were equally circumspect.

"I certainly was not aware there was going to be a raid on a home, if in fact there was. I thought Chalabi lived in that fuckin' palace we bought for him," Secretary of State Terror Donald H. Rumsfeld said. "My understanding is that the Iraqis are involved in this, and you'd best ask them. I'm just gonna lie. Can you honestly expect me to do anything else?"

U.S. officials said American intelligence personnel disguised as soldiers cordoned off the area around Chalabi's residence but did not enter the home. Iraqi police, with the America intelligence officials looking on, also searched two locations housing offices of the Iraqi National Congress.

Chalabi said they had arrest warrants written in English for seven people, including his security chief, but that no arrests were made because the CIA intelligence people wanted the Iraqis to make the arrests before the cameras but the Iraqis could not read the warrants. But Haidar Musawi, an INC official, said three security guards were arrested though they were not linked to any allegation because, as one Iraqi policeman put it, "We don't need no stinking warrants to arrest no security guard."

A senior coalition official said on condition of anonymity, so we're not sure if he was legit or not, that several people were arrested and that arrest warrants were issued for "up to 15 people" on allegations of "fraud, kidnapping, crossing Dick Cheney while he's enjoying his bubble bath and Hustler Magazine, and associated circumspect matters."

"Sounds like it don't mater what comes up Ahmad's going down," commenting close friend and former business partner James Baker III. "They'll call it anything that sticks."

In a statement, Chalabi's organization urged the Iraqi Governing Council to take "a national and responsible stand toward these provocations."

Council President Ghazi Mashal Ajil al-Yawer said he was "astonished by what happened" and called an urgent council meeting for Friday to discuss the raids to ensure they were all still going to get their cuts.

An aide to council member Mohammed Bahr al-Ulloum said he was considering resigning "because the money ain't worth it if every time Rumsfeld or Wolfowitz goes on the rag heads roll. Fuck that." And Salama al-Khafaji, a Shiite member, told al-Jazeera television, "I threatened to suspend my membership if there's no official apology to Dr. Ahmad Chalabi and assurances that the financial arrangements we have in place with the U.S. remain so. I've seen what a greedy fuck Cheney is.."

Chalabi said he was asleep at the time of the raid on his home.

"I opened the door and there was John Walsh of COPS with the cameras rolling. I was in my bikini briefs. Walsh called me 'Karzai. You scumbag.' The police went into my room carrying pistols and started rifling through my lingerie drawer. I told them to get the fuck out. One struck me above the left eye with his gun. I heard Walsh say into his mike that I had gone for the policeman's weapon. Walsh said a gun battle between Chalab'is guards and the policemen was avoided by a 'hair's breadth' no matter how much Walsh tried to instigate one even offering cash and a blow job from Rupert Murdoch himself."

The CIA seized documents related to the oil-for-fraud program, a report by the Oil Ministry to the Governing Council and letters from the council, Chalabi said. He said a "valuable" copy of the Quran and what-me-worry beads were also taken away. Both appeared on Ebay within hours of the raid.

U.S. and coalition officials have recently accused Chalabi of undermining the investigation into the oil-for-fraud program. Chalabi, who took an early lead in exposing alleged abuses of the program, has launched his own probe.

A former bunko man who had last lived in Iraq in 1956, Chalabi was convicted of 22 counts of fraud in absentia in Jordan in 1992 in a banking scandal and sentenced to 22 years in jail. He has repeatedly denied the charges. "He was our Luciano in Iraq. Hey. A lot of us fucks still look up to 'Wild Bill' Donovan," said a CIA agent on the scene, Dink Fraley, on condition of anonymity.

Ass. Press correspondents Maria Flimflam
and Tony the German contributed to this report.

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