The Assassinated Press

Brought to You by OSHA: OSHA Buys Four 30 Second Spots on Reality Show
History Channel’s Ax Men Showcases Drug and Alcohol Abuse on the Job

By WYLIE COYOTE
The Assassinated Press
6/16/13

The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has purchased four thirty second spots for 13 weeks to air on the popular History Channel show Ax Men. For all intent and purposes OSHA is the new sponsor of Ax Men that features drunken, drug addled peckerheads in the act of accidentally killing or maiming their fellow workers or themselves because they are lousy at what they do and totally fucked up. In any other occupation, these good old boys would have been pink slipped in the first ten minutes.

But it’s the prospect of seeing some inept Okie cut down a tree so that it falls on him and his buddies and forces their guts out like a beetle hammered on a brick wall that keeps viewers coming back. Who gets voted off the mountain this week? Oh, of course. It’s the double amputee with the crushed skull.

Citing both rampant drug, both illicit and prescription, and alcohol abuse by participants on the program Assistant Secretary of Labor for Occupational Safety and Health, David Michaels speaking at a recent press conference said, “The number of limbs hacked off, fingers lost, bones broken, concussions, gut ruptures, drownings and backs broken made Ax Men seemed the ideal vehicle for us to get across our message of safety on the workplace.”

The drug and acohol induced recklessness has spilled off the program’s set or shall we say soilled onto. A star of History Channel's Ax Men reality series has been arrested after a vehicle he was driving in northwest Oregon flipped over and injured three children. Michael D. Pihl, get it Pihl as in Pihl head, was arrested by Oregon State Police and charged with assault in the third degree and three counts of recklessly endangering another person, The Oregonian reported Thursday.

“What else could explain how bad they are at what they do?” Rush Limbaugh recently said on his popular talk radio show. “I know that hand to mouth, work your nuts off for nothing way of life must get after you after a while especially when you see a fat fuck like me raking in millions for blowing it out my ass. But to hack off a hand just to get the kind of attention I get for just running my capon mouth? I dunno.”

Even Rand Paul came out in favor of the OSHA slots saying, “These guys are not only a danger to themselves and the community but to the whole rugged individual libertarian con in general. I mean not being able to get fucked doesn't automatically translate into 'rugged individual'."

The Obama administration is resisting the OSHA move. White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters, “We prefer to let these white racist peckerheads think its manly to maim and kill them and theirs. Less food stamps and Medicaid to pay out. Not to mention, we don’t get their vote.”

Bill O’Reilly had this to say. “I think the government should stay out of it. I’m having a $4 million dollar house built out of rare Oregon Cedar and the patriotic assholes on Ax Men are non-union which keeps construction costs down.” When Sarah Palin was asked about the OSHA outlay for the Ax Man show, she responded, “Sorry. I don’t speak ebonics. Besides, aks what man?”

J.M. Browning a logger whose left hand was torn off in a logging accident and snatched up and eaten by a wolverine had this to say: “Them OSHA shits better worry about themselves. I can still fire my shotgun with my claw. And I might just come out to Washington and take out my self-medicated depression and suicidal disappointment on some of them Ivy League twats instead of taking it out on the bank that holds $2 million dollars worth of notes I owe on my equipment so that far from being the independent woodsman I pretend to be on TV, I’m just a fuckin’ indentured servant to Bank of America and the Chinese.”

Vernon Walters contributed to this article.


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