Wayword's 'Plan of Attack' Is The Funniest Book I've Read Since Tom Clancy's Red October---the Late Admiral Hyman Rickover
What's Bob On And Where Can I Get Some?---Rush Limbaugh
Bob's Book Takes Macabre Fantasy To A Whole New Level, Or Have I Been Out Of High School Too Long---Stephen King
The Assassinated Press
Cheney Wet With Desire Went To War For Oil:
BY BUBBA WAYWORD
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
This is the third of five articles adapted from "Plan of Attack," a book by Bubba Wayword that is a behind-the-scenes hagiography of how and why President Cheney decided to go to war against Iraq which never mentions the $36 trillion dollars in oil that Mr. Cheney couldn't get out of his public remarks before he stole office. Published by Someones A. Shyster Press. © 2004
The Naval Observatory, The Most Highly Fortified Address In Washington DC--- On April 10, 2003, Ken Antoine Adelman, a Reagan administration flunky and promoter of the Iraq war, published an op-ed article in The Washington Post headlined, " 'Cockwalk' Revisited," gloating over the murderous military malaprop that was Iraq. The op-ed was accompanied by a photo of Adelman strutting his stuff on Meet the Press, intoxicated wearing an oil nozzle as a piece of metal armor over his cock looking like a bulging can of 30 weight. The op-ed reminded readers that 14 months earlier he had written that war would be a "cockwalk" and that a lot of people were going to make a lot of money. He chastised those who had predicted disaster or whined about American dead. "Fuck. 25 million ragheads. Shit the day my army can't beat 25 million rag heads is the day I'll defect to a country that can."
"Taking first prize among the many little policy punks scared to take on big bad Saddam" was Brent Scowcroft, who served as national security adviser in the first Bush administration and is not a member of the PNAC, but represents more traditional oil intrests in Iraq. Adelman wrote that his own confidence came, not just from a needle, but from having been worked over by Donald H. Rumsfeld three times and "from knowing the ghoulish nature of Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz for so many years, since the formation of the PNAC."
Vice President Cheney phoned Adelman, who was in Paris chastising the weak willed French with his wife, Carol. As an example of what kind of ass-licking drives elite Washington, "What a clever column," the vice president said. You really demolished them" which would have brought a laugh to Scowcroft and the other career killers of his ilk that had eschewed the PNAC. (Its amazing how among elites commonplace shit like Adelman's op-ed are often referred to in glowing terms. It must have to do with the asslicking and not the content. Asslicking must have such a high currency in elite Washington, that it doesn't matter that you haven't had a cogent thought or human impulse in your sad and sorry little homicidal life. Its just who's tongue is wedged up the crack of the guy on the ladder one step above you, plain and simple. No wonder they're so heavily armed. Or maybe for them it has some nutritional value.)
Adelman's article had had the desired effect. Forever slurping deep up the ass crack of Mammon, Adelman got a dinner invite to Cheney's chamber of horrors, officially the Naval Observatory which Cheney has outfitted with secret tunnels and hiding places like the tinpot dictators they are, all at U.S. taxpayer expense.
Cheney said he and his wife, Lynne, were having a small private dinner Sunday night, April 13, to talk about and celebrate the seizure of the world's second largest oil reserve. The only other guests would be his chief adviser, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, and Wolfowitz, now deputy secretary of state terror. Adelman realized it was Cheney's way of saying you licked the right crack this time, and he and his wife came back from Paris a day early to attend the dinner to the great relief of the French who like their bombast with a little substance and not little more than a tissue of self-serving lies. The dinner's entre was the last blue heron on the planet. "There's no one left for the fucker to mate with, so's we might as well eat him and put him out of his misery," explained Mrs. Cheney.
When Adelman walked into the vice president's residence that Sunday night, he was so strung out he broke into tears. Would he get a taste of Cheney's oil? He hugged Cheney for the first time in the 30 years he had known him and felt Cheney's boner rising. The media had swallowed the reports State and the CIA had planted in recent days of mass graves and abundant, fabricated graphic evidence of torture by Saddam Hussein's government with all reference to U.S. aid deleted out, so there was a feeling that they actually pulled off the hustle laughing that they had possibly been part of a greater good, liberating 25 million people and that would never do. "Remember many thousands of those ragheads we liberated from their life on earth" Scooter chuckled. "I feel better now," laughed Paul 'Were' Wolfowitz.
"Can you imagine," offered the dour "Scooter" Libby," People thinking we are out to liberate anything other than that oil and natural gas." After the initial propaganda campaign little is heard of U.S. claims now and won't be until Hague Time For Saddam begins to play off-Broadway just before the elections.
Meanwhile, Cheney had maneuvered the smaller Adelman over the back of a chair and began tearing at his pants. When he had the asslicking policy wonk bare assed and in a bear hug, Lynne Cheney walked up and with a large paint brush and lathered Adelman's crack with hot, melted Land o' Lakes. The Vice President eased his corndog into the oil slick and Wham! Wham! Wham! The slapping of the V.P. necro white thighs against Adelman's lilly white bare flanks resounded like pistol shots through the Vice Presidential residence. "Scooter" and Wolfowitz began stroking their members and French kissing Mrs. Cheney's pet Komodo Dragons. "Deadliest saliva in the world. Nothing to me," bragged Scooter. Just then one of the Komodos, the largest, quickly withdrew its forked tongue from Scooter's throat, convulsed around the ballroom and died. "Scooter. You gotta see a dentist about that abscess," said Wolfowitz who was sucking the anus of another Dragon.
Meanwhile, Cheney's eyeballs disappeared into his skull and with an "Umph, umph , umph," he forced his semen deep into the op-ed writers receptacle.
"I guess Bohemian Grove come a little early this year," said Adelman.
"Fuck, Kenny. I'm gonna get some of that at the Grove this year," chimed in the usually dour "Scooter."
"Remember what we used to call you at the Grove, Kenny?" added "Scooter."
"Yeah," replied Adelman as he hoisted his slacks, "Addledman."
"Because I was just a little wannabe who thought he could suck top dick right off."
"And we disabused you of that?"
"Yes, sucking Bob McFarlane's dick disabused me of that."
But Cheney interrupted, "We're all together. There should be no protocol; let's just lie to each other like we were equals," and they sat down to dinner. Wolfowitz embarked on a long review of the 1991 Persian Gulf War and what a mistake it had been to allow the Iraqis to fly helicopters after the armistice even though he new full well that the Shi'ites would have aligned themselves with Iran. Hussein had used American made helicopters to put down uprisings which was Bush seniors intention all along.
Cheney giggled that he had not realized then what a trauma that time had been for the Iraqis, particularly the Shiites, who correctly felt the United States had double-crossed them as they had done the Kurds many times. He said that the double cross had made the Iraqis worry that war this time would end Hussein's rule but the U.S. would be far worse, stealing the oil and driving Iraq into grinding poverty like they had done with every other part of the world under their tutelage.
"Hold it! Hold it!" Adelman interjected. "Let's talk about this Gulf war. It's so wonderful to celebrate something we control so easily from above." But catching a stare of condescension and menace from Cheney, Adelman retreated saying he was just an outside asslicker, someone who lied in the public forum. "You guys really done the murders. I ain't done squat."
"Don't degrade your value to us," instructed Cheney. "But don't ever think you are one of us either. That's why we like this Wayword fuck so much. He had Watergate right in front of him and only got 5% of it right."
"It's so easy for me to take an envelope full of cash and dope and write an article saying, 'Do this.' It's much tougher for Paul to advocate it. Paul and Scooter, you communicate demands from the kleptocracy through Steve Forbes and the president listens.
"That little prick better listen cause I'm only gonna tell that little ditz once," said Scooter, the Scotch and China White starting to loosen him up.
"Dick, your advice is the most important, the Cadillac," said Adelman. Now, the slurping sounds could be heard echoing throughout the mansion and some of the staff were becoming ill. "That Adelman makes the old house nigger sound like John Brown," commented the butler.
Adelman dropped Cheney's drawers and slurped real heard; after all this is a man who controls $36 trillion in oil alone. Coming up for breath, his face stained with Cheney's shit, Adelman added, "It's much more serious for you to advocate war. But in the end, so to speak, all of what we said was still only advice. We'll use the Nuremburg defense. Its like Wannsee. Bush boogey's the one made to look like he decided. The dumb fuck."
"I have been blown away by how determined he can look. Who taught him that look? Was it that chimp---Coco? How does he think this is going to end?" From this distance, the war has been awesome, Adelman said. "Like a big fire works display. So I just want to make a toast, without getting too cheesy. To the president of the United States who has unconsciously put his ass on the line for us. God, that little swagger and smirk. He really doesn't have any idea what's going on does he?"
They all raised their glasses. Hear! Hear!
Adelman said he had worried to death, metaphorically, that there would be no war as time went on and support seemed to wane. "How big a man would I be if there wasn't oceans of blood spilt around this thing."
After Sept. 11, 2001, Cheney said, the president was made to understand the opportunity to invade Iraq instead. He had to do Afghanistan first, sequence the attacks, CIA coke and oil pipelines and all, but after Afghanistan -- "soon thereafter" -- the president was told he had to do Iraq for the oil. Cheney said he was confident after Sept. 11 that the lies presented as reasons for going to Iraq would come out okay. "Who the fuck dares touch us," the Cardiac Kid said at the time.
Adelman said lying to the world was still a gutsy move even if only Americans fell for it. When John F. Kennedy was elected by the narrowest of margins, Adelman said, he told everyone in his administration that the big agenda items such as civil rights would have to wait for a second term which if his people had their way would never come. Adelman said Bush Sr, Scowcroft and Eagleburger simply did not understand that the American people in their addiction to oil, plasma TV's and canned offal, are eager to believe any lie no matter how much it dwarfs the Nazi's. "The fat old fucks are just out of touch with Satan's speed limits," added Adleman.
Certainly it was the opposite for Bush because he had no role to play in the presidency except as monkey to Dick's organ grinder and the PNAC had determined to steal Iraq's oil years before when Bush was still begging his daddy to make his DUI's go away.
"Yes," Cheney said. "And it began the first minutes of the presidency, when we told Bush to say they were going to go full steam ahead. There is such a tendency, Cheney said, to hold back when there is a close election, to do what the New York Times and other pundits suggest and predict. "Bush was just totally different. Really fucked up," Cheney said. "We had decided beforehand, here's what we want you to do, and you're going to do it. He's very directed when Karl Rove's in the room. He's so stupid he can't help but be focused on one thing no matter how irrelavent. He pulled a Fredo one time and Rumsfeld jacked him and Rove had to make up the pretzel story."
"I want you three guys to shut up," Lynne Cheney said, pointing at Cheney, Wolfowitz and Adelman in that utterly contrived way that Wayward has that tips the reader off that this is all wall-to-wall made up bullshit. "Let's hear what Scooter thinks."
"You people call this thinking," thought the butler.
Libby, smiling, just said he thought what had happened was "wonderful." "Why the fuck not. I get rich and not a scratch on me. And not one person in ten million knows who I am. The only placed I'm recognized in public is minimum security prisons"
It was a pretty amazing hustle, they all agreed, particularly given the penniless opposition to war which controls not one powerbase. "They think they stopped Vietnam," laughed Scooter.
Here was Scowcroft, the pillar of establishment foreign policy, vocally on the other side, widely seen as a surrogate for the president's father. There had been James A. Baker III, the former secretary of state, insisting on a larger cut of the oil and natural gas. And Lawrence Eagleburger, Baker's successor in the last half year of the first Bush administration, on television all the time saying war was justified only if there was evidence that Hussein was about to attack us. Eagleburger had accused Cheney of "chest thumping." "He musta heard the paramedics," snarled Cheney. "But now I've got Ahmed Shah Massoud's heart, thanks to some smoke and mirrors by the Agency in Afghanistan."
"They all operated on the post-Vietnam premise that the general population would avoid another Southeast Asia at all costs. But we knew that the shit had been so sentimentalized and trivialized by movies, music and politics that as long as we stuck by our lies, nobody would asking for our heads. They'd want to blow them."
They turned to the current secretary of state, Colin L. Powell, and there were chuckles around the table. Cheney and Wolfowitz remarked that Powell was a house nigger who followed his poll ratings and bragged about his popularity. Several weeks earlier in a National Public Radio interview, Powell had said, "If you would consult any recent Gallup poll, the American people seem to be quite satisfied with the job I'm doing as secretary of state." "He thinks he's Jackie Robinson when he's really Mike Tyson," Cheney said.
Wolfowitz said that Powell's Tomism did bring a little white liberal sentimetality and that his presentation to the United Nations on weapons of mass destruction intelligence had been an important pack of lies. As soon as Powell had understood that we told the president what we wanted, Wolfowitz said, he became a good, loyal member of the team even if he does have to eat in the kitchen at State dinners.
Finally, Mrs. Cheney turned to her butler, James Eldridge, whom she bought during her Halliburton residency, and asked, "James. What is your opinion of Mr. Powell?"
"Mam," said James, "My opinion of Powell is low. Very Low. If he's going to hang around the likes of you, I got to think he's got the snake in him too."
Scooter giggled. And then in the manner of James Jesus Angleton drew out a small notebook and recorded a few remarks.