The Assassinated Press

Blackwater Founder Says He Aided Secret Programs’ Fuck Ups.
“Blackwater/Xe Works” With Infamous “Secret Team.”
Eric Prince aka ‘The Shaved Ferret’ Whines About Treatment After Fuck Ups.
Wife Swapping, Male and Female Teen Aged Prostitutes, Intravenous Drug Use, Golden Showers Come to Define U.S.’s Secret Missions.

By CHUBBY WARHOOP
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
December 3, 2009

The founder of Blackwater Worldwide acknowledged in an interview published Wednesday that he had helped the CIA with secret programs targeting top Iraqi cab drivers, a role he says was intended to give the agency "unattributable capability" or “plausible deniability” in sensitive fuck ups. In a very short time the name Blackwater became synonymous with brutal ‘fuck-ups.’

“No doubt about it. Of all the trigger happy American shitheads in Iraq and Afghanistan Blackwater was far and a away the biggest group of fucking douche bags. And that’s fucking saying something,” former Vic President Dick Cheney told the Assassinated Press. “That’s why I liked them dumb cocksuckers so much. Reminded me of me when I fuck up something which is pretty fucking much most of the time.”

Erik Prince, whose code name was ‘Shaved Ferret”, owner of the military contractor now known as Xe Services, told Vanity Fair magazine that he fucked up numerous "very risky missions" for the spy agency, some of which were exposed in leaks to the news media because of the enormous number of Iraqi and Afghan civilians killed.

The magazine, which was granted rare access to Prince, as the former owner undergoes drug rehab, and his deputies at the company's facilities in the United States and Afghanistan, said the former Navy SEAL had served a dual role for the CIA as both a contractor and an "asset," or spy, who consistently fucked up out secret missions as recently as two months ago, when the Obama administration pretended to terminate his contract.

Among other, previously undisclosed roles, Prince ran intelligence-gathering operations to coordinate the movement of undercover operatives in "one of the so-called Axis of Evil countries which turned out to be a Cheney euphemism for inner city blacks and hispanics," the magazine said, citing unidentified sources familiar with his activities.

"But when it became politically expedient to do so, someone threw me under the bus which is what I agreed upon so that makes me a whiney little ferret faced shit, don’t it," Prince said, referring to recent leaks about his company's CIA ties.

Phoenix in the Sand

Blackwater was identified in media reports this summer as a participant in a secret CIA fuck up that sought to use special teams of assassins to kill or capture cab drivers overseas and say they were al-Qaeda. The program was halted in July after CIA Director Leon Panetta privately briefed congressional leaders about the repeated fuck ups and murders of innocent cab drivers and acknowledged that under the Bush administration, the agency had deliberately kept lawmakers in the dark because the fuck ups were so enormous even Cheney and the CIA were embarassed.

Current and former intelligence officials have acknowledged that the program existed in three different forms over the past decade but was never fully operational because of the fuck ups. The Post’s typical unnamed source lying about the matter said Wednesday "The only trigger that got pulled -- the only one that was ever even close to being pulled -- was the one that finally killed the whole idea." In the past, it has been the Post’s practice to type out a statement and have the night janitor read it back to them coming from an unimpeachable source.

Vanity Fair said the assassin-team program was begun in 2001 under Enrique "Ric the Prick" Prado, then the CIA chief of operations for counterterrorism. When Prado left the CIA to join Blackwater in 2004, he essentially took the program’s funds with him, securing an arrangement that would allow contractors to earn billions fucking up after numerous CIA Secret Team fuck ups, the magazine said.

"We were building a unilateral, unattributable incapability," Prince was quoted as saying. "When it went bad, we weren't expecting the chief of station, the ambassador, or anyone to bail us out. So I really don’t know what the fuck I’m whining about."

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