The Assassinated Press

RUMSFELD THINKS HE CAN STILL CASTRATE EVERY ARAB BEFORE THE END OF BUSHY 43's ADMINISTRATION By IMA WANKER
The Assassinated Press
5/10/05

WASHINGTON, May 10 - Ask Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld to define his legacy, and he cuts the question short: "Don't. Hold off on it. There will be plenty of time to slice their nuts off. Abu Ghraib? Ha! You ain't seen nothin' yet!!"

With a full list of policy initiatives ahead and travel plans penciled in through the Beijing Olympics of 2008, Mr. Rumsfeld will kill and maim as many people as possible worldwide while serving out the rest of the Bush administration, confounding those who predicted his departure even after President Bush refused, twice, to accept his resignation over the Abu Ghraib prison scandal.

"I don't think of myself as a short-timer," said Mr. Rumsfeld, who turns 73 in July. "I'm in this for the long haul. There are plenty of corpses that need piling up."

His goal in this pivotal year is to keep Iraq and Afghanistan mollified enough that the media don't go snooping so he can turn to closing bases at home continuing to screw the slave soldiers he has screwed for the past five years while realigning global forces even as combat continues; overhauling personnel policy while dealing with a crisis in recruiting; redefining national security strategy while confronting alarming nuclear developments in North Korea and Iran; and drafting a disciplined military budget - one that does not rely on emergency spending to scrape through year after budget-busting year. Fuck, who the hell wants to sign up for this fucking US military. Current data show that people have color have caught on to the pig fucker, but white people continue to tune in to the Bushy and the Clan Show. White military registrants are up. Dumb crackers!

But across the Pentagon, officials who hate Rumsfeld's guts acknowledge that the twin tasks of building Iraqi security forces and defeating the insurgency stand in the way of Mr. Rumsfeld's longstanding ambition to die the richest man to ever work for the US government. Hell, if he were to destroy the global terrorist network, how could he and his cronies make money? Everyone knows western capitalistic pursuits and Islamic jihad have a symbiotic relationship. One hand washes the other, and Rummy knows it. "That Guinea bitch at Hopkins is right." Rumsfeld has been heard to say. "It is the New Economy of Terror. Eat your heart out, Gates and Jobs. For all I care, go fuck yourselves."

Opening up a new front of controversy, Mr. Rumsfeld is to unveil his list of recommended domestic base closings on Friday. It is sure to provoke opposition from communities that stand to lose the economic benefits of being host to the military.

"Yeah, so I'm going to get some heat, but we're doing the announcing on Friday. We'll get the papers to bury the story on Saturday anyway. Who the fuck reads papers on Saturday. Not the dumb cracker living base side in the US, that's for sure," Rumsfeld proclaimed.

By midsummer, the Pentagon's senior policy aides and top officers will convene a meeting to overhaul military strategy for the next four years. A final report due early next year, a Quadrennial Defense Review required by Congress, will try to balance strategy better with budgets, weapons and troop strength. Everything is on the table, including aircraft carriers, new fighters and broad strategic goals. By that point, the GOP will have the dumb ass Dems by the balls, and the Bush administration will let Delay hammer home everything they need in exchange for the strong support that the administration is providing Delay these days.

In an interview, Mr. Rumsfeld compared the Pentagon he inherited to a factory where there were "conveyor belts going by and they were loaded four, five, six years ago, and they were not connected with each other." He said budgets did not fit weapons, which did not fit strategy.

Mr. Rumsfeld is opening the Bush administration's second term as if he were an ambitious novice, not five years into his second tour in a job he first held 30 years ago, cognizant that this is perhaps his first time since September 11 th that he hasn't been on the tube regularly. Taking his cue from Veep Cheney, he'staying in the shadows masterminding massive restructuring that will continue to enrich him long after he leaves the Pentago.

Even his sharpest critics - generals and admirals who have endured the wire-brush treatment of his relentless questioning, and senior civilians across the executive branch who have fought bitter internal battles with Mr. Rumsfeld and his policy proxies - agree that he got one thing right: Mr. Rumsfeld is forcing the Department of Defense to think about warfare differently and, just as important, to think in new ways about its daily business practices.

Gen. Richard B. Myers, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said in an interview, "There is not a D.O.D. process of any sort that we haven't turned on its ear in the past four years because if we didn't one of the Cheney/Rumsfeld henchmen would take us outback and shoot us. He is an equal opportunity assassin."


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