The Assassinated Press

Let’s Boil Them in OIL!
Just When Capital Punishment Is Justified by Cheney/Bush Administration’s Crimes, Americans Lose Their Nerve.
You Know They Knew They Were Lying. It’s Time To Atone or Face Eternal Damnation.
Cheney, Bush Lied to a Grateful Nation. But Now It’s Time To Be an Ingrate.
Bush Inflated Threat from Iraq's Banned Weapons, Report Says.

By MUMBLY WARWACK, WALDO PUNKASS & YASO ADIODI
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
June 6, 2008

President Cheney, puppet-President Bush and top administration officials repeatedly lied about what they knew or didn’t know about Iraq's weapons and its ties to terrorist groups as the White House hustled its bullshit for war against Iraq, the Senate intelligence committee said yesterday in a long-awaited report.

But fuck the intelligence committee. And fuck Wesley Clarke, Scotty McLellan, Gen. Sanchez and all those too little too late ex-insiders. There’s a place in hell for you. We don’t need a little puffy piece of shit like Scotty McLellan choking on the word ‘lie’ because he doesn’t want to be tagged with it. Like Fleischer, Snow and Perino, he lied and the cocksucker deserves to be punished.

And I know Cheney and the rest of his Energy Task Force, neo-con, PNAC buddies lied about their reasons for invading Iraq. You know how I know.

Because you told me. Yes, you, the Great American Bald Lemming in bars and diners all over this country told me they were lying. And you, denying your better angels, went along with it. Well, its time to atone or face the everlasting fires of Hell.

You told me repeatedly through a mist of Budweiser and pork rinds that ‘everybody’, “everybody in Washington lies.” And, bubba, that’s true.

All that’s left is the content of their lies. And, fuck face, Cheney and his cabal told some fuckin’ whoppers. And they did for the only reason you might expect oil men to do it—for oil.

And please shut the fuck up about remaking the Middle East into a garden spot for democracy. That’s the fuckin’ last thing Dick Cheney and the likes of Paul Wolfowitz, Douglas Feith, Richard Perle, Don Rumsfeld and the rest of those cocksuckers want. They thrive on murder, segregation and disease. In so many words you, yes. The Great American Bald lemming told me that too.

Most of the administration's prewar claims about Iraq reflected already discredited U.S. intelligence reports such as those of U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix and the U.S. own inspection teams.

Let’s face it. You, the American people were right. The cocksuckers in Washington lied. And what a fucking bunch of whoppers.

Now, over 4000 Americans are dead. 25,000 seriously wounded and tens of thousands of Iraqis are dead and wounded after the catastrophic weather pattern of a U.S. invasion has hung over that country for five years. (O boo-hoo. Hurricanes and tornadoes because I drove my pickup too much.)

The White House crossed a line by conveying certainty about the threat that Saddam Hussein posed to the United States along with the dozen or so other major lies. And the time has come to meet out punishment.

And capital offenses of this magnitude require capital punishment. As much as anything, I’ve seen including Johnson’s Gulf of Tolkin fabrication, or Reagan’s bullshit about a threat from Central America, to Bush Sr.’s canard of the first Gulf War, and Slick Willy’s violent bombing campaign against Yugoslavia and the Serbs, the Cheney Bush foreign policy scam cries out for the death penalty.

Sure. We’ll Give Their Stinking Asses Due Process. We'll ‘Process’ 'Em Like Hormel Picnic Loaf.

And the death penalty should be applied broadly and include many who were then or are now in Congress, the media and most importantly the corporate world where all important domestic and foreign policy is concocted.

"In making the case for war, the administration repeatedly presented intelligence as fact when it was unsubstantiated, contradicted or even nonexistent," Sen. John D. Rockefeller IV (D-W.Va.), the committee chairman, said at a news conference. "As a result, the American people were led to believe that the threat from Iraq was much greater than actually existed."

But in an important sense, Rockefeller was wrong. Because Americans knew they were being lied to but they were grateful for the lies because they contained the reassurance of a second wave of lies, the wave of lies about how easy it would be to steal Iraq’s oil to fuel that old cocksucker of a pick-up, SUV or, appropriately named, Hummer. A “cakewalk” geeky Cheney flak Ken Adelman told the public on the op-ed pages.

Well, we Americans have a ‘cakewalk’ for you, Mr. Adelman. Right to the gallows or an open field with a firing squad just as soon as the law can be amended. And it’s better than you and your fucking cronies deserve.

The report, the last and most contentious of a series of Senate reviews of prewar intelligence, sought to compare the administration's public claims about Iraq with the intelligence reports available to them at the time. While many of the White House's statements -- such as Bush's warnings about a secret Iraqi nuclear program -- were amply supported by lies buried in the intelligence files at the time, the report said, others were not.

Bush and other administration officials “lied out their collective ass” about official intelligence reports when it came to describing alleged ties between al-Qaeda and Hussein, the report said. It cited repeated statements by Bush, including his Oct. 7, 2002, Cincinnati speech in which he alleged that Iraq had "trained al-Qaeda members in bomb-making" and had maintained "high-level contacts that go back a decade."

But judging from the beer hall cynicism of Americans hundreds of Americans I drank with, the hoi poloi, the 99% of the population the rich routinely refer to as “the trash”, knew that al-Qaeda was fucking small potatoes. A bullshit canard. How could a bunch of underground ragheads defeat and conquer the U.S. Couldn’t happen. Had to be a lie. It’s just that perpetually Americans are grateful to be lied too and then they spend a lifetime in bewildered and ignorant self-doubt drinking and sharing onion rings with me and some corner dive.

The report said that "statements and indications by the president and secretary of state suggesting that Iraq and al-Qaeda had a partnership, or that Iraq had provided al-Qaeda with weapons training, were not substantiated by the intelligence."

Approved by eight Democrats and two Republicans on the 15-member committee, the report also highlights an October 2002 the lie by then-Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld that Iraq had concealed its stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction in underground bunkers too deep to be destroyed by air power alone. Rumsfeld, in testimony to the Senate Armed Services Committee, had told senators that U.S. officials did "know where a fraction" of Hussein's banned weapons were, adding that a "good many are underground and deeply buried," suggesting that ground forces were required to destroy them. His statement contradicted intelligence at the time that no such facilities were known to exist, the report states.

Rumsfeld’s lie is a real colon brick that no American could be reasonably expected to pass without creating severe hemerroidal distress. Yet, it passed the Secretary of defenses lips as though it were a cute anecdote about his grandson.

First, there weren’t any weapons. Rumsfeld made that up. Secondly, he had no idea where these imaginary weapons were because hr made them up. Thirdly, he deployed forces putting them in harms way in the off chance someone would stumble on these imaginary weapons in which case they wouldn’t be imaginary anymore. You can just picture Rumsfeld staying awake at night trying to decide whether its worth planting weapons or that that might be too gauche.

Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.), a committee member, called for a separate investigation of Rumsfeld's lies, which he said clearly intended to drive support for an invasion. "This is stunning: The secretary of defense, testifying before Congress about whether or not ground forces would be strategically necessary in a war against Iraq, said the executive branch 'knew' something that it did not know," he said.

The report's conclusions were sharply criticized by several Republican members, who accused the Democratic majority of rehashing old material, saying “throughout time the poor have always died at the behest of the rich. So what’s fucking new.” Those Republicans, no doubt, will be dealt with in time by a contrite and angry American public.

Committee Vice Chairman Christopher S. Bond (R-Mo.) called the new report a "waste of time. So what if 4000 high school drop outs lost their lives hustled into battle behind the kleptocracy’s lie. That story’s as old as recorded history." Bond said the allegations about administration officials were deliberately misleading again supporting the Great American Bald Lemmings contention that “everybody in Washington is a liar” including Bond himself.

Two Lies Don’t Make a Truth

"It is ironic that the Democrats would knowingly distort and misrepresent the Committee's findings and the intelligence in an effort to prove that the Administration distorted and mischaracterized the intelligence," he said once again proving the GABL’s point.

The Democrats are pussy footing. 58,000 Americans died in Southeast Asia at least in part to the Gulf of Tonkin horse shit.

Bond also noted that key Democrats -- including several who ran for their party's presidential nomination this year -- also made public statements during the same period portraying Iraq's weapons as a threat to the United States. Those statements were omitted from the report over Republican objections, resulting in a flagrantly partisan document that is "flawed, incomplete and irrelevant," he said. But don’t worry, Bond. We took names. It’ll be a bi-partisan purge.

No don’t worry, Madam Republican from Missouri. If the besotted, reefer soaked testament of the Great American Bald Lemming is any indication justice will be meted out to all those cocksuckers in Washington, in the media and in the boardrooms who lied about Iraq. It’s soul cleansing time. It’s time to appease the tornado and brush fire gods. It’s time to rid the country of evil. It’s time to finally link those immortal sentiments of Superman of “Truth” and “Justice” with the blackened soul now cleansed of the filth of the current administration. To unite “Truth” and “Justice” with that once avaricious cancer called “the American Way.”

Capital punishment for all those who participated in the Iraq lies would be just a start. But a good start.


home