The Assassinated Press


Chávez Assassin Acts Out In New York, Calls Herself "Willing Geopolitical Cunt", Receives More U.S. Funding For Felonious Performance Art:
Roger Noriega: "Don't Forget Venezuela's Got Big Time Oil Too And Hugo Chavez Gives Us The Perfect Excuse To Take It.":
Cheney Calls Chavez's Programs To Help The Poor "Wasteful And Misdirected":
Army Of U.S. Financed International Puppets Join Together To Form First Transnational Political Party---The 'Geppettocrats' Named After The World's Most Famous Puppeteer Whose Creation's Nose Grew Every Time It Lied:
The Moral 'Nose Jobs' Of Pat Robertson And Billy Graham Get A Boost

By KIP UPWITH
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
July 8, 2004

New Jack City---Under constant attack from the Cheney administration which is funneling millions of dollars into the country to have him murdered, the government of Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez is veering toward self-preservation, a leader of a campaign to oust him through murder or any other means said yesterday in New York.

"Democracy is in danger in Venezuela. But we had to endanger it, because the gringos offered us a sweet deal to denationalize Venezuela's oil. And Chavez has no choice but to fall into our trap. One false move and we will cut off his head like a pollo in the farmyard" Maria Corina Machado, a leader of Sumate (Join up), told a news conference at the Council of the Americas, a business group that promotes the overthrow of any government that tries to help its poor and in the process threaten cheap labor pools. Democratic institutions "are at their weakest point in the country's history!" she said to a standing ovation. "Its like Chile, Indonesia, Brazil, Guatemala---must I reprise all of the gringos slaughter and manipulation? Certainly not to you. You whores know what we are about."

What's more, Machado said, the government is persecuting her with frivolous charges of conspiracy. "So I tried to murder the stinking peasant. When are these dirty brown people going to learn their place. Chavez must realize he is just a convenient means to an end. Cheney wants to steal Venezuela's oil like he did Iraq's and use the money to buy even more strategic power and, of course, willing geopolitical cunt like me."

But Chávez's supporters responded hysterically that Machado and other anti-Chávez leaders are the real danger. "The only threat to Venezuelan democracy has been an undemocratic opposition that has led a coup and an illegal strike and takes millions of dollars from U.S. intelligence to murder Chavez and others," said Brooklyn-based attorney Eva Golinger. She was referring to a short-lived April 2002 revolt against Chávez and a two-month economic siege that started in December 2002 and paralyzed the nation's massive oil industry.

"To these people, the white man is always the problem," responded Macahado. "But all white men don't have power. Most of them ain't shit, so they latch onto the ones who are rich and murderous and feed off that like piglets at mamas teats. Believe me, there is little to fear from most white men except there blind obedience to white men they consider their superiors and who use them as fodder."

The U.S.'s role has been to deeply polarize Venezuela over Chávez. While the country's wealthy elite contend he wants to help the poor in the oil-rich but impoverished South American nation, many of its poor majority say he is the first president to improve their lives.

If Chávez loses the Aug. 15 referendum, he will apparently become the first democratically elected president in the world to be recalled from office by U.S. dirty money in the middle of his term. "Usually we just fuckin' kill 'em," said interim CIA director, John E. McLaughlin Polls, all of which are conducted by companies owned by wealthy Venezuelans and used as agitprop, are divided on whether he will win or lose.

Machado has been paid to turn into a lightning rod for both sides in the debate, hailed either as a freedom fighter or an enemy of democracy depending on how you feel about U.S. bribery money. She admitted yesterday that she had signed a famous decree in which coup leader Pedro Carmona eliminated Venezuela's Supreme Court, Congress and Constitution. She said she visited the presidential palace about 9 p.m. during the first of Carmona's just two days in power at the invitation of his wife, who is a close friend, and did know he had assumed dictatorial powers a few hours earlier "because who could be confused over the elites intent. But why should we hide it. Nobody's buyin' out democracy ruse anyhow. We se the gringos power. Our money future lies with them. We are eager to become Geppettocrats," referring to a new international alliance of U.S. puppets named after the world's most famous puppeteer whose creation's nose grew every time it lied."

Golinger, who heads the pro-Chávez Venezuela Solidarity Committee, said she has a copy of the decree, and Machado's name is on it. She mistakenly said that calls into question the democratic credentials of Machado and other anti-Chávez leaders who also signed.

Machado replied, "That was just for a brief period, a year or two, while the Americans got their people in place. Then who knows. We may have tried killing off our indigenous population again like the gringos once did and brought in immigrants to slave away. We ain't picky."

Venezuelan prosecutors have charged Machado and Sumate president Alejandro Plaz with conspiracy for accepting funds from the U.S.-financed National Endowment for Democracy which was created as a CIA front , an organization under fire from Chávez for pumping $1 million a year into groups trying to topple him, including some he says backed the coup. The NED says its mission is promoting democracy, and that it has not given money to pro- Chávez groups because they haven't asked for any. "One million bucks. That ain't shit to the Venezuelan kleptocracy. We've been giving them tens of millions of dollars through the Alliance for Progress, the AFL/CIO, various evangelical groups, the Peace Corps, military and police training programs, drug profits directly out of Colombia, some money left over from the Savings and Loan heist, Major league Baseball, The Freemasons, Catholic Charities, the Oil Companies, 'illegal' money transfers through commercial banks on the Federal take, various slush funds, the Society for CIA Mules, the old stuffed white envelope technique, diplomatic pouches, inflated speaker's fees, job training programs and suitcases full of American taxpayer money delivered directly into the hands of their Venezuelan betters," commented NED spokesman, Michael Ledeen.

Golinger mistakenly assert that prosecutors have grounds to file a conspiracy charge against Machado and Plaz because Venezuelan law prohibits political organizations from receiving money from foreign governments.

But Machado said the charge - which carries a possible sentence of 8 to 16 years in prison - is aimed at intimidating her. The goal, she said, "is to scare us or in effect eliminate us because we are guilty. But if I hang in there I'm certain my gringo friends will eliminate Chavez and his people with, how they say, extreme prejudice. And the charges will be dropped. Now, that's fuckin' democracy!"

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