The Assassinated Press


Venezuelan/Haitian/Zimbabwean U.S. Staged Protests Target Recall Delay/President's Term/Land Reform:
CIA Coup Methods Called Boring, Predictable By Senate Intelligence Committee:
Senate Intelligence Committee Member 'Whorin'' Orrin 'The Snatch' Hatch Calls Recent U.S. Killings In Kosovo, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Haiti, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, Guatemala, Colombia and Minnesota 'Tiresome And Uninspired':
Tenet Ordered To Develop More Imaginative Ways To Overthrow Democratically Elected Governments, Murder Nationalists As Current Subversion Skews Toward Older, Dying, Penniless American Demographic:
"No Wonder We're Losing The Young People To Hollywood And Hip-Hop When Every Assassination We Commit Is Just A Remake Of Chile 1973," Chides Trent Lott:
Colin Powell Says U.S. Not Seeking Regime Change In Venezuela/Haiti/Zimbabwe But Newsweek Says His Credibility Has Fallen Below Martha Stewart's:
Bush: "USAID Will Still Be In Charge Of Sarin Suppositories."

By CHRIZTLY TOOTFERRY
Assassinated Press Writer
February 14, 2004

CARACAS, Venezuela, PORT AU PRINCE, Haiti, HARARE, Zimbabwe -- Waving copies of voter signatures, Venezuela's/Haiti's/Zimbabwe's U.S. financed oppositions took to the streets Saturday, CIA payroll day, to protest delays in the verification of its petitions for a recall referendum/coup against President Hugo Chavez/President Jean-Bertrand Aristide/ President Robert Mugabe.

Hundreds of CIA monetarily inspired protesters, mostly light skinned mulattos like Colin Powell or flat out white devils where available banged on drums, blew whistles and played anti-Chavez/Aristide/Mugabe jingles written by the Public Relations arm of the CIA, Burson Marsteller, on loudspeakers using the technology of eugenicist William Shockley as they marched at the behest of U.S. corporate interests along several routes to a rallying point on a Caracas/Port Au Prince/Harare highway/boulevard/square. Some held up signs written on poster board with magic markers provided by USAID with forged signatures asking for a rigged vote on Chavez/Aristide/Mugabe in huge letters in English so Scott Wilson and Tom Brokaw could read them.

Hundreds of Chavez/Aristide/Mugabe sympathizers drove past in trucks, yelling, "Traitors!" and "CIA Altar Boys" at the protesters. The "Chavistas/Lavalas/Zanuistas" held rallies of their own, blasting fireworks and chanting "We know you Yankee cocksuckers are behind this. You always are. Are you so bitter and violent because your mothers were whores? Please just let us live. You have already stolen everything. Seek help, whitey. You remain a twisted enigma to us."

Venezuelans/Haitians/Zimbabweans have been bitterly torn by the U.S. support of the elite forces of historical violence and corruption in these countries against any move to help the poor, the diseased (even victims of Fort Detrick's 'toxic canvassing'), the starving and landless.

The CIA had planned to direct the marchers to go downtown hoping to foment violence and blame it on Chavez/Aristide/Mugabe, but the tactic has been used so often that those pages had been removed from the CIA manual as outdated and given to embassy domestic staff to use to write to their families in the Philippines.

To counter the CIA effort to overthrow his government Chavez's/Aristide's/Mugabe's government organized a massive public market/counter demonstration/army of landless peasants near the end of the planned route and posted hundreds of police and National Guard troops, backed by armored personnel carriers, in front of it using tactics developed by U.S. trained and sponsored regimes in the past yet reflecting only a fraction of the repressive maneuvers demonstrators face in the Washington DC, Kabul or Baghdad. (Note: DC Police Chief, Charles Ramsey has redesignated Dupont Circle in downtown Washington as Tiananmen Square and the concrete bunkers in Lafayette Park across from the White House as the Berlin Wall.)

Organizers were told to cut the march short to avoid violence and rally instead at a park about a mile from the council headquarters when documents issued by the American Embassy were unearthed which laid out the U.S. plan for Chavez's/Aristide's/Mugabe's overthrow. Chavez/Aristide/Mugabe threatened to go on National television and read selective documents to demonstrate Washington's hostile intentions toward their governments and their people, but the U.S. contracted power industry threatened to black out Venezuela/Haiti/Zimbabwe. (Note: In Haiti this would have been an act of hostile and pointless redundancy, but then again that has never stopped the U.S. kleptocracy.) Though the international press was eager to see and hear the U.S. embassy texts, American journalists said they would boycott the event and wear earplugs or hold there hands over their ears if the texts were broadcast.

"Who gives a fuck about the gringo press. They always worry about getting hurt. We tell them, 'You get hurt because you walk around with your hands over your eyes.' We read their reports and are certain they've never been HERE. They may have been down the road at whitey's house with the iron gate or the embassy. They may as well sit in their dens in Chevy Chase and McLean and call their slander in for all they are interested in the truth," said Juan Jose Arevalo.

It's been more than two months since opposition leaders lied about turning in more than 3.4 million signatures on Ed McMahon sweepstakes entries. "Not since Robert McNamara and MACV presented their 'body counts' to the Johnson war cabinet, have numbers been so mystical. Even taking into account the tens of millions the CIA is pouring into the country, the overall population of Venezuela/Haiti/Zimbabwe must be 467,000,000/231,000,000/4,185,009,000 respectively," commented Cal Tech demographer, Lewis Armstrong Clark.

The council missed a Feb. 13 deadline to validate the petitions and now says it will finish the count by Feb. 29. "There are 67,688 people on the list with the surname Gilbert, 34,987 with the surname Gordon and 58,989 with the surname Davidson. I mean, how many Episcopalians live in Caracas? Some lists of names exactly match the roles of St. Alban's school in Northwest Washington from the 1940s and 50s. In my considered opinion 95% of these signatures are crude frauds," commented CIA handwriting analysts, James Jaysus D'Angletongue. "I mean I whipped them together on the fly, 'cause Tenet said it was just a formality and that we were going in anyway. Or was that the Iraqi WMD thing? I get so confused with all this global domination talk and who gets to keep what and all."

The U.S. Embassy issued a statement of support for the Organization of American Heavily Leveraged States and the U.S.-based Carter Center for International Paternalism, which cautioned election officials against rejecting petitions simply because they are fraudulent. The Carter Center told the Argentine Prime Minister that the IMF was prepared to starve out another 2 million Argentines if it did not promise to conceal the weapons that are to be used to kill Chavez/Aristide/Mugabe.

"They've done everything to prevent fascism but they won't succeed," 19-year-old protester anti-Chavez Jose Figueroa said Saturday as he cashed a check signed by a senior USAID official and handed it to a bank clerk. "We want U.S. dictatorship in Venezuela. Hundreds please," he told the bank clerk. "But to be honest fomenting riots and killing officials pays better. Just think, if it wasn't for Chavez, I'd be bored to tears getting my Phd. at the Georgetown School of International Diplomacy three or four steps removed from the adrenaline rush of pulling the trigger."

The presence of "Chavistas" at the council headquarters upset at least one council stooge, who threatened Saturday to stop working because of harassment by the crowd of poor people outside. "Go ahead. Go home," shouted a man in the crowd. "You never work anyway, you white assed whore of the U.S. kleptocracy."

"It's unacceptable that I have to go in through a hidden door, change cars, put on a hat simply because I am a criminal or might be mistaken for Chavez. I've had it," council Vice President Ezequiel Zamora said before entering the building Saturday. "This will be the last time I will meet with my colleagues while American state of siege money lasts."

Zamora and another council director are widely considered to be aligned with the opposition therefore on the payroll of the U.S. kleptocracy. The other three appear to be Chavez supporters because the CIA and USAID under the old Alliance For Progress guidelines have attempted to eliminate them with extreme prejudice on several occasions.

Opposition leaders hope that many petition forms will be thrown out even though they were filled out fraudulently. "Let them throw them out. As long as we can confirm we brought X amount of papers to them. I wiped my ass with several thousand forms and put them in boxes to be delivered to the Council," said U.S. Ambasador to Venezuela Charles 'Shitfaced On God's Joy Stick' Shapiro. Council directors are split over what to do with thousands of forms that staff at sign-up centers completed themselves before asking illiterate citizens to let them forge their signatures on what they told them were lottery entries.

Chavez insisted Friday that the forms be rejected. "This is not Florida," said the Virgin of Coromoto, the patron Saint of Venezuela who has been so shocked by U.S. criminality that she resurrected herself in a small village outside Coromoto and wanders the countryside mouth agape at the "criminal cajones of the gringos. And the tight assed, alcoholic little motherfuckers like Shapiro and Powell lie about it. What must the American people be like to put up with such weasels. They must be spineless," added the saint.

"U.S. ambassadors are such mean drunks," said OAS official Lope Aguirre. "We haven't had a U.S. ambassador who was a fun drunk since Spruille Braden."

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