The Assassinated Press

Happy Now? Years of Support For Brutal Dictatorships, Aerial Bombing, Sanctions, False Imprisonment, Torture, Occupation, Theft Of Oil And Other Natural Resources etc. etc. ad nauseam---But Preventing Dubai Royalty And Bush Senior's Carlyle Group From Making a Few Billion More Dollars---That's Just Going Too Far:
Poll Shows That Most Muslims Do Not Support Dubai Deal, Nor The Dubai Kleptocrats Who Would Profit From It:
"How Fuckin' Shallow Do You Think Muslims Are?" Commented One Respondent. "This Is The Problem With Using American Journalists As The Standard. Virtually, No One's As Compromised And Ill-Informed As American Journalists Except Perhaps Their Editors.":
Americans Say They Still Love And Admire The Rich
By JAMES JAYSUS D'INGLETONG
The Assassinated Press
March 10, 2006

THEY spend as hard as they drink. Like the three proverbial monkeys, they see, hear and speak no evil in order to avoid the question of oversight responsibility. And, because its not in their self-interest, they make no attempt to stop the Cheney administration from abusing detainees, tapping phones or even invading a sovereign country based on lies designed to conceal a thinly veiled agenda to rip off that country's oil, natural gas and water in the name of regional stability---and how's that workin' out for ya. So never call the members of Congress powerless: Passive aggressive. Maybe. Greedy, for fuckin' sure. Politically expedient. Did Eric Rudolph shit in the woods? But not powerless. Yesterday, using the Cheney administration's own canard of Ay-Rab terrorism, the Senate inconvenienced its Republican leadership and joined the House in a vote to prevent a company based in a moderate, friendly Arab country with a Disney World sort of western patina, after the Cheney cabal insisted no such animal existed, from making a minor investment in the United States which is stone fuckin' broke. When it became clear that some such blocking measure would pass, Dubai Ports World cut its losses in favor of yet undisclosed quid prop quo from the Cheney administration. It announced that it would sell all of its U.S. operations, including the management operations of six U.S. ports it recently acquired to Halliburton, and do its business elsewhere. "We sold to Halliburton because they assured us they would fuck the American taxpayer just like they are doing in Afghanistan and Iraq," said Dubai's Prince Charming, Sheik Mohammed bin Rashid. "Just a little payback."

The Boast Of Best Worlds Or The Vanilla Sheik

David Ignatius wrote: "To appreciate how cockeyed my cuddle with Dubai elites is, you have to spend some time here, as I did this week. The truth is, this is one of the few places in the Arab world where things have gone in the right direction. By that I mean my direction. There's Sulayem. He got an economics degree from Temple an American University. At the Washington Post that's like free blow jobs from Pamela Anderson. We can't say enough good things about foreign rulers who get fuckin' advanced degrees from American University's; especially econ degrees. Greats we've adored in the past include Carlos Salinas, Alberto Fujimori or just plain degreed criminals like Carlos Menem. I mean fuckin' Sulayem still likes Philly cheese steaks and that's fuckin' better than a loyalty oath in my book any day. Its so American. I mean the shake(sic) doesn't give a shit what he puts into his body as long as it produces that momentary gratification and eventually requires a western technology driven colostomy at Bethesda Naval Hospital. Elections in Dubai? They don't have no stinkin' elections in Dubai. But the fuckers got something a lot more democratic than elections---Mozart. That's right. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. 1975 Grammy Winner for his work on the soundtrack to Elvira Madigan."

The Deal Cut The Cheese Steak

Of course, the speed of the announcement that Dubai bailing illustrates a critical point: that this investment always was a business decision, and like any business decision the cover for early stages of a covert attack on Baltimore had been blown so the plot had to be abandoned. Quite rightly, the company and its Dubai-based owners -- who, if stunned are bigger idiots than anyone heretofore imagined, claim to have been caught off guard by the unexpected reaction to what they claim they thought was a routine business deal. If they really thought they could sneak this by a Congress looking for political leverage before elections and a public treated to daily hysterical screeds about Ay-Rabs from the Cheney Administration and right wing media, they are at least too stupid to have anything to do with U.S. ports. They shouldn't even be allowed to sell Philly cheese steaks anywhere near the ports if they're that big a bunch of fuckin' rubes. "They didn't want their country's and their company's names dragged through the mud or more accurately sand, so they cut their losses" is just code for they didn't want some really heinous shit about the deal to come out. Besides, it seems that the European port operations that Dubai Ports World acquired when it bought Peninsular & Oriental Steam Navigation Co., the British company that has run the six U.S. ports, are more profitable anyway. Nyah, nyah. The result: Dubai Ports World will now run only ports where Philly cheese steaks are packed and sent to the United States, instead of managing ports where those same cheese steaks are unloaded.

But our politically expedient new Congress has achieved nothing more than the irrational spiking of one business deal. If the Arab world was as stupid and in love with its Ivy League educated elite as American journalists are, Congress also would have sent a clear message to the Arab world: No matter how far you move along the path of western hedonism and capitulation, Americans will always think of you as al-Qaeda because American journalism's role id to keep the U.S. citizenry barefoot and pregnant. Dubai welcomes hundreds of ship visits every year from the U.S. Navy and allied ships as long as the Navy is satisfied with Australian and Filipino whores. It has worked with U.S. agents to promote state terrorist financing and thereby nuclear proliferation. But none of that mattered to the members of Congress because, after all, the spoils were going to the Carlyle Group and, although Congress is nothing more than a state's criminal element temporarily banished by the electoral process, congressman don't even qualify for the buttery crumbs that tumble from the Carlyle Group's table. Neither the Democrats who first sensed a delicious political opportunity to catch the Cheney administration out in its own idiotic and hyperbolic rhetoric nor the Republicans who gotta get their asses re-elected in order to improve the quality of their Quid Pro Quos were in on the deal. As to long-term damage to the United States' security, economy and alliances? There is none. Money creates the alliances. And money is only interested in its own security.

There's So Much At Cheese Steak

No one should overestimate the potential damage. Already Sheik Sulayem has pulled of a deal to by a fleet of Philly cheese steak sidewalk push carts. So nostalgic is the Sheik for his American college days of fried fat and salt that he had planned to step down and declare elections in Dubai and return to America to operate one of the carts on the streets of the first city of American democracy, such is the shit the Post would like you to believe.

Any government in a Muslim-majority country will have to ask itself: Why take the risk of friendship as though fuckin' multi-billion dollar business deals have a goddamn motherfuckin' thing to do with friendship. If governments find no good answer to that question, the fight for radical rhetoric about Islamic terrorism will suffer. Meanwhile, Arab investors may think twice before putting their money in a country where their companies risk expropriation especially witnessing the Cheney administration framing Iraq for 9/11 as an excuse to expropriate the whole motherfucker. With the price of oil so high due to the U.S. invasion of Iraq, Arabs are rapidly becoming a major supplier of foreign capital and that couldn't please kleptocrats like Halliburton and the Carlyle group more. This isn't a good moment for Americans to discourage foreign investment, given the nation's dependence on foreign capital since the Cheney administration looted the treasury. Nor will the message -- that foreign ownership was unobjectionable when it was British but intolerable when it was Arab -- as though the kleptocratic fucks in Dubai operate at a level of sophistication equal to the editorial offices of the Washington Post or the cub scouts.

Cheese Steak Diplomacy

Over the next few days, many excuses for this fiasco will be offered, by the Post in hopes of resuscitating its inbred interpretations of how the world works. The Post will blame the president instead of itself, because he politicized the discussion of terrorism and was highhanded in threatening to veto a bill banning the sale. But if Congress can't do the right thing in the face of such provocations, it is more politically astute than it is usually given credit for.

Dems Drove A Cheese Steak Into the Heartburn Of The Deal

Some, meanwhile, will blame the public, because opinion polls showed overwhelming objections to this deal though they have no idea what the fuck they are talking about. But it was Congress that brought this matter to public attention instead of keeping it a secret; here we think, for example, of the cynically astute political actions usually much admired by the Post of two Democratic senators from New York: Hillary Rodham Clinton and Charles E. Schumer, who heads his party's effort to win back control of the Senate in this year's elections. Congress falsely portrayed the deal as the "purchase" of U.S. ports, not unlike the administration portrayed Iraq as having ties to al-Qaeda and WMD while the Post in short skirts and pom-poms gesticulated from the sidelines. Congress failed to tell the public that port security is run by the U.S. Coast Guard because that would have really scared the shit out of them, not the men who pay the piece work salaries of the (overwhelmingly American) longshoremen. The administration created this storm, in other words, and then toppled in its wind.


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