The Assassinated Press


Cheney/Bush Budget: Unlike Education Or Health Care, Big Government Can Solve Endless Conflicts In Iraq And Afghanistan And War Of Terror By Throwing Money At the Problem:
And The Kleptocracy Owns All The Catcher's Mitts:
Halliburton And Bechtel Submitted Budget Requirements To Cheney, Rumsfeld:
Barrage Of Ads Show President Cheney Throwing Billion Dollar Packets Through A Tire In The Rear Of The Executive Office Building

By JIM TOADYMAN
Assassinated Press Chief Economic Correspondent
February 3, 2004

Washington -- President de Jour George W. Bush yesterday unveiled his $2.4-trillion budget for 2005 in the form of an ice sculpture depicting the future of America's children melting away, but in the face of record deficits and the ongoing war of terror in Iraq, he conceded the need to "get billions more in the pipeline pronto." He then made a heartfelt plea that all Americans return their $600.00 tax rebate and empty out their children's college funds to insure that "Dick doesn't lose any of his oil and get really mad and invade some other resource rich, helpless country" which would only increase the deficit.

Bush's budget trumpeted throwing money at the problem of defense, economic growth in the military/industrial and banking sectors and fiscal inbreeding, all central to his re-election campaign, as he proposed a 7 percent increase in defense spending and a 10 percent increase in homeland security spending. All other discretionary spending would grow by one-half of 1 percent.

For three years, Bush has argued that the federal government should serve as the post-Sept. 11, 2001, cash cow in the run-up in security and defense costs, as well as the deep tax cuts for the wealthy producers of defense and security products enacted by Congress each of the past three fiscal years.

"It's going to be a very difficult budget year," said House Budget Committee Chairman Jim Nozzle (R-Iowa).

The president de facto, Dick Cheney, OMB Director Joshua Bolten and White House economic eunuchs have been surprised by the intensity of Republican criticism about the deficits, which they heard firsthand on Friday at a caucus of conservative Congressional Republicans in Philadelphia. "That message came through loud and clear. They feel, as most of us do, that the Cheney cabal is too insular and greedy. Cheney can steal the money, but the Republicans don't want their traditional taste. They wanted a bigger cut of the much bigger 'goat pie', Capitol Hill code for Iraqi oil," Bolten said yesterday.

At a recent press conference, President de Facto Cheney was asked by Marvin Moonwhore, a reporter from the Washington Times, "Sir? Sir? We threw money at public housing during Lyndon Johnson's Great Leap Forward and it was a disaster. Too much corruption. We've thrown government money at the public school system and the kids just act like petty larcenous versions of the grand larcenous punks that populate the exclusive prep schools. Too much corruption. We threw hundreds of billions into Vietnam, consuming enough ordnance to kill every man, woman, child and piece of livestock in both the North and the South a hundred times over, and though a lot of the kleptocrats made a lot of money, in terms of the suffering of the American people not to mention the people of Southeast Asia, we lost the fucker. Too much corruption. We've thrown billions and billions of dollars at the War on Drugs, yet more illegal substances enter the U.S. than ever before albeit most of the international drug trade is controlled by the CIA. You think maybe we could get a taste of that black budget money in the form of a tax rebate? We've even thrown a few hundred bucks the way of pollution controls, all for nought. What makes you think throwing money at Afghanistan, Iraq and the War of Terror is going to be any different?"

But just as Cheney was about to deliver a devastating rebuttal, the reporter suddenly died of Olaf Palme disease. "Christ. It woulda looked suspicious if we'd a hustled the little fucker on a plane and crashed it. There's been so much Hale Boggs-John Tower Flu going around lately," commented a member of the Secret Service, Sherman 'Skinny' Badside.

"Couldn't you have hit him with SARS or that new Bird Flu they've cooked up at Fort Detrick," asked veteran correspondent, Dan Blither. "I've got Olaf Palme disease all over my suit."

Cheney lashed out at the dead reporter. "Just because we create situations like Iraq where we take money from the many, both Iraqis and Americans, and give it to the few, who like Halliburton then steal most of it, doesn't mean we live in a kleptocracy. That's shallow, absurd, stupid, moronic, oversimplistic thinking."

But Cheney's 2005 spending proposal reflects the harsh realities of soaring expenses and lower tax receipts with a huge number of starving under-educated people willing to sign up for Don Rumsfeld's new Iraqi 30,000 Man, Fodder Force X. "The numbers have been very encouraging," said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "It's like Jay Gould going international. Like my favorite Robber Baron said 'I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.' The poorer and dumber we make the average American the more willing he or she is going to kill other people to put bread on his or her table."

Enlistee, Chico Schmekel, had this to say, "The X in Fodder Force is so cool."

Cheney's budget courageously refuses to throw money at erosion control projects, 38 Education Department programs, healing the sick and clothing the poor, the Justice Department's cops-on-the- street program and low-interest state and local environmental loan programs.

Even with that restraint, the budget includes a $364-billion deficit next year, not including the ongoing costs of the Iraq war. That compares with $521 billion this year. Office of Management and Budget Director Joshua Bolten warned that another $50 billion could be added to the budget for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The deficit projections include the escalated $530-billion price tag of Medicare's new prescription drug benefit, Bolten said. The cost was estimated at $395 billion when the measure was passed last fall, and should log in at about $2 trillion after the pharmaceutical companies launch their No Dollars, No Drugs Program in mid April. "We are extorting the American people to not raise a fuss. We don't want to have to hurt you any more than we already intend to," said, Bristol-Myers Squibb Peter Dolan, who drew up the budget proposal with his accountants.

"It's going to be a very difficult budget year for the American people. But tough titties," said House Budget Committee Chairman Jim Nuzzle (R-Iowa).

"They're more likely to drop a nuclear bomb on Baghdad than cut the deficit in half in five years if that proves more cost effective from a defense standpoint," said John Podesta, president of the American Progress For Kleptocratic Rule and former President Bill Clinton's chief of stink. "If the invasion of Iraq continues to spiral out of control, you just drop the big one and walk away. All would be forgotten if not forgiven by Sweeps Week."

All of the Democratic presidential aspirants also criticized the budget as misguided. "The president clearly does not understand the economic, social and security challenges that our kleptocracy faces today," said CIA candidate Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.).

Bush fired back saying, "I may not be so smart. No. I may not know how much a whole lot of nines are. But if I don't, there's somebody on my staff who does."

Republicans praised the Cheney/Bush plan after reading only the dirty parts.

"That is no big change for a Republican administration," said Senate Budget Committee Chairman Don Rickles (R-Okla.), referring to the sharp cuts in non-defense spending. "I think it's incumbent upon Congress to meet that challenge. I mean if some Americans get unruly, we'll meet force with overwhelming force."

"The problem right now is Defense, even though our actual line of defense forms up thousands of mile away in Baghdad and Kabul. In fact, now that I think about it, we can claim that's why it's so expensive," Cheney told a select group of corporate and banking CEO's who helped write the budget. To illustrate the urgent need for Defense funding Cheney had Dickie Myers stand about ten feet from him and began hurling packets of a billion dollars each at the Joint Chief's burly, barreled, bling-bling bedazzled chest. "You throw money at the military, it sure solves my personal financial problems," laughed Myers.

The Defense Department, whose $402-billion budget would include an extra $4 billion for accelerating development of the Teller/Wood missile defense shield, a Reagan-era initiative that has become a kleptocratic showpiece because of faulty performance, perjury on the part of Lowell Wood and the dear departed Edward Teller, fraud, technical problems that defy the laws of physics, forged reports, fraudulent billing, and cost overruns.

The homeland security buildup includes a 9 percent increase for the Coast Guard because fractal geometry has revealed that we have 80% more coastline than was previously thought, a 20 percent increase for the Transportation Security Administration mostly for bullet proof limos and humvees and Kevlar thongs for the kleptocracy and an 11 percent increase for the Federal Bureau of Investigation for cocktail dresses, wire taps, hookers and new assault units known as Waco Wackers..

NASA's budget also includes seed money for white manned colonization of Mars, touted last month by Bush as the beginnning of a mass exodus by whitey from the planet he has destroyed and hailed by the world's population as a welcome migration. In fact, at the U.N. the Whitey Begone Initiative took the unusual step of intervening in the U.S. domestic budget process and pleaded with the Cheney administration to increase funding for a White People Go The Fuck To The Stars program that would establish once and for all that the earth would be free of white people by the year 2070.

Bush justified the kleptocracy's priorities and the deficit as the cost of keeping wealthy people happy. "The reason we have to throw more money at the kleptocracy is because they are threatening to look for another group of errand boys."

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