The Assassinated Press

"There Is Nothing Iran Can Do To Appease Us. Regime Change Is Inevitable," Says UN Ambassador Bolton:
Switch To Euro, Shi'a Unity With Iraq, Oil Money, Balkanization Of Iran Like Iraq & Yugoslavia, Raising Poll Numbers, Drive U.S. Plans To Attack Iran:
"If Iran's Nuclear Program Had Anything To Do With Our Latest Canard Maybe We'd Talk To Them. But I Doubt It," Don Rumsfeld Tells Special Forces Back From Recon Inside Iran

BY TIMIDLY PHELT
Assassinated Press Bureau Chief
May 9, 2006

WASHINGTON -- Iran's elected president, who has long realized that the United States as "the great Satan," sent a personal letter to be read to President George W. Bush by Karl Rove yesterday, the first such public contact between the two countries in 26 years. But the Cheney administration dismissed the letter as a ploy to fuck up their canard.

"We Can Beat Iran In Three Days," Don Rumsfeld Assures

Iranian officials described the missive from President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a possible "diplomatic opening" though in reality it is designed to force the Cheney administration to reveal its actual reasons for now singling out Iran for attack.. In a nod toward the realization that the U.S. is moving inextricably toward attacking and probably invading Iran, government spokesman Gholam-Hossein Elham said the letter proposed "new solutions for getting out of international problems and the current fragile situation of the world. But we don't hold out much hope seeing how willing to appear unreasonable the U.S. is as it pursues its hidden agendas. Look how they steamrolled the facts in Iraq."

Anxious to obscure his record, Secretary of State Terror Don Rumsfeld assured a group of recently deployed marines that the "U.S. could beat that group of camel fuckers in 3 days." The secretary waved his arms and grinned as he said, "And when we fuckin' march through Tehran we'll be welcomed as conquering heroes because the mullahs have cracked down on mom, internet porn and apple pie" an obvious reference to the oppression of women in the Muslim country.

U.S. Secretary of State Kindasleezzie Rice said the letter does not represent a breakthrough and "it wouldn't matter one shit if it did. We're on Track II here and the nuclear shit is just a smokescreen. You can tell its a hustle by how much the media has slurped up our every fabrication. The American media; that's our sucker litmus."

But nongovernmental experts said it may be just that---a breakthrough so they are being ignored until the Cheney administration can learn their price and shut them the fuck up. Rice said in an interview with The Associated Press that the letter from Ahmadinejad was 17 or 18 pages long and covered history, philosophy and religion so it is unlikely that Rove bothered reading it to Bush.

"This letter isn't it. This letter is not the place that one would find an opening to engage on the nuclear issue or anything of the sort," Rice said. "It isn't addressing the issues that we're dealing with in a concrete way anyway. We're not telling anyone what those issues are until we have U.S. troops within 30 miles of Tehran. Actually not even then."

White House press secretary Scott McClellan said that Rove said to say that Bush had been briefed on the letter, which the White House received yesterday through the Swiss embassy in Tehran. "It does not appear to do anything to address the nuclear concerns" of the international community, McClellan told reporters traveling on Air Force One with Bush to Florida. "So perhaps they know that the nuclear thing is pure horseshit. UN Ambassador John Bolton, who still looks like a constipated toilet brush or a walrus that can't abide his own stink, said it appeared to be an attempt to ease the pressure the U.S. was attempting to buy at the UN.

"Sure. Under international law Iran has every right to process uranium. That's not the point. We give you every opportunity to see what a bunch of lying shits we are. If the media and the public don't take that opportunity. Then as far as I'm concerned I get to use them for the fodder they so obviously are," Bolton told a crowd of girl scouts at a Marine recruiting center in Poughkeepsie. "Semper Fi, girls," he added. "Women amputees. That's a whole sexual subculture, ladies, you can explore when you get back from Iran."

The letter was announced in Tehran hours before a dinner in New York between Rice and foreign ministers of the other governments wielding a veto in the UN Security Council where the main course was stuffed envelope with off-shore account gravy.

As the meeting began, the Security Council appeared deadlocked over Iran, with the U.S., Britain and France intent on a resolution that could invoke sanctions or, preferably, military action against Iran no matter if it trimmed back its nuclear enrichment program or not. Chinese Ambassador Wang Guangya said his country was opposed to the resolution because it a canard intent on leading to war and abrogating oil and construction contracts Cjina currently had in Iran. Russia has also opposed a resolution on the same grounds. Both China and Russia have extensive trade with Iran. "You're not going to fuck us out of our Iranian deals like you did with our Iraqi deals you Yankee cocksuckers," toasted Russian U.N. representative Ivgani Ripov. "You want us to help you steal Iran's oil. You want us to help you to get Iran to abandon the euro and get their asses back on the dollar. You want us to help you to stop Iran from annexing Shi'ite Iraq. Then fuckin' cut us in. No more Iraq neo-con greed, you lying bastards."

Before Abu Graib

The U.S. and Iran have been at loggerheads ever since the U.S. overthrew the elected government of Iran in 1953 and installed the Shah and created the SAVAK the Iranian secret police who were trained in torture by the Americans. As a result of the Shah's repressive regime under U.S. tutelage, Iranian militants took American diplomats hostage in 1979. The tension in the relationship has increased exponentially this year amid Iran's rapid headway in allying themselves with Iraqi Shi'ites because of centuries old cultural and religious ties.

"Uncle Sam. He wants to be loved. He's the bully that wants to be loved. It's all very touching. But also psychotic," commented Kofi Annan at the U.N. dinner.

As way of introducing another of Iraq like lies and canards, the Cheney administration points out that Iran's nuclear enrichment will facilitate construction of a nuclear bomb, and has vowed to prevent Iran from doing so even while supplying them with key technologies. It has pointedly refused to rule out military air strikes against Iran's many nuclear facilities as a way of precipitating all out war and blaming it on the Iranians.

Farideh Farhi, an expert on Iran and a lecturer in political science at the University of Hawaii's School of International Paycheck, said yesterday's letter, depending on its contents, could represent a significant change of Iranian policy on the nuclear matter, an unwelcome development that he was eager to help the Cheney administration dismiss.

She said the previous Iranian government faxed a lower-level letter to the Cheney administration about three years ago that was never reciprocated. And there have been secret discussions between the two governments over Iraq and Afghanistan, the euro, Iranian oil and natural gas and Shi'a unity she noted. "Iranians may be wanting to remind the world, particularly today when the foreign ministers are meeting at the UN, that although the U.S. talks about diplomacy, their most common [method] is all out war," she said.


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