The Assassinated Press


Powell, Visits Baghdad, Defends The U.S. Occupation:
U.S. High Command Orders Troops To Shoot Arab Journalists On Sight:
Powell Denies Policy Of Shooting Arab Journalist: Says Two Shot Were Just Being Used To make A Point About U.S. Displeasure With Arab Reporting:
U.S Troops From Bumfuck, Kansas Accidentally Shoot A Seik Camera Crew, 6 Nigerian Private Security Officers And 11 Guatemalan Nuns Mistaking Them For Arab Journalists:
"I Thank God Every Day For Our Bumfucks," Powell Prays. "Where Would This Country Be Without Its Bumfucks?"

BY BLOODLETTA TATLER
Assassinated Press Staff Correspondent
March 20, 2004

BAGHDAD, Iraq - Secretary of State Colin Powell defended the war on Iraq during a surprise visit to Baghdad on Friday, as protests, plus the deaths of three U.S. troops and two Arab journalists, marked the anniversary of the invasion.

In a news conference held amid massive security at U.S. military headquarters, Powell hailed the war for having rid Iraqis of "a horrible dictatorial regime that had outlasted its usefulness to Washington" and rid the world of the threat of non-existent chemical weapons that hundreds of millions of dollars of U.S. tax money has yet to find because they consider the inside of Powell's brain to be an imaginary and utterly corrupted storage area for WMD not to mention too small. "We don't have to worry about that any more on this March day, this one-year commemoration of the beginning of the war, do we" Powell scowled. "Y'all like dyin' for me and my cronies at the PNAC, don't you?" he asked rhetorically. A feeble "Yas Sir" could be heard from the 200 or so marines guarding the press conference.

But Powell wasn't satisfied. He shouted, "I cain't here yooooo."

"YASS SIR! HAPPY TO DIE FOR THE RICH, SIR," shouted the Marines.

But Powell volleyed, "WHAT'S THAT, JARHEADS?"

"YASS SIR! THRILLED TO DIE FOR THE RICH, SIR! AND MAY MY WIFE AND MY CHILD! MY MOM AND DAD DIE LINING THE POCKETS OF YOUR RICH FRIENDS, SIR!"

"AND WHO DO WE KILL?"

"ARABS SIR! OR ANYTHING THAT LOOKS LIKE AN ARAB TO A RUBE MARINE FROM BUMFUCK SIR!"

At that point, about 30 Arab journalists walked out of the news conference to protest Thursday night's deadly shootings of two Iraqi correspondents for the Dubai-based satellite television channel Al Arabiya as well as to escape the frenzied and hostile atmosphere Powell had whipped up in the room. The channel says U.S. troops firing deliberately targeted the cameraman and reporter, one of whom died Friday and the other Thursday, when a car ahead of the journalists ran a checkpoint. "When you're in the heat of a checkpoint, you ain't got time to think is that a gun or a camera. You just shoot. It's self-preservation. I've already blown away a half dozen Arab journalists mistaking body parts for guns. Think what a panic the camera sent me into."

"We declare our condemnation of the incident which led to the killing of the two journalists ... at the hands of the American forces," Najim al-Rubaie, a reporter with Iraq's Ad-Dustour newspaper, told Powell. The reporters demanded a full investigation into the incident and better safety for reporters. Powell remained jovial and said he'd start a full investigation the day after Dick Cheney turned over the oil policy papers he drew up at the behest of big oil. And then John Paul Bremer III he laughed heartily as marines grazed the head of the seated reporters with their gun buts.

The U.S. military won't confirm that troops killed the journalists unless it can be seen as a way of further intimidating the others. Powell expressed regret over the fact that the marines had only killed two and said if troops were responsible, he would make sure it was accidental. "Mistakes happen," he said. "Tragedies occur. I mean. What choice do you have but to suck it up and hope its not you next time. Am I right?"

The deaths were the latest in a bloody week in which at least 20 civilians, nearly half of them foreigners, have been killed in drive-by shootings or car- bombings of hotels used by Western usurpers. The dead include four U.S. missionaries peddling Christ for potable water from water tables their government destroyed. "We need some fuckin' Christians to go up to congress and the White House and Wall Street and evangelize their charitable notions there. Fuck this blow 'em up, sew 'em up bullshit! Go to the heart of the evil! Go to Washington!" offered U.S. policy analyst, Lionel Rugama.

Others dead two Americans working for coalition authorities hoping to earn bonus pay so they could get out of consumer debt, three Western European engineers, three Iraqi journalists collaborating with a U.S.-funded television station and 20 military intelligence officers first listed as among the dead in the Al Rashid hotel blast when only the body count was available but redacted from the list of dead when the Red Cross was informed of the 'sensitive nature' of their demise.

Even though U.S. troops continue to die virtually everyday, Powell tried to paint the guerrillas as moving from "harder targets to softer targets" and said more "difficult days" of bloodshed may be in store since the Americans can't distinguish the good guys from the bad guys. "We Iraqis were having trouble distinguishing the good guys from the bad guys. But its becoming much clearer now," said Ahmed Khan.

On Friday, guerrillas killed two U.S. Marines in western Anbar province. To the north, a U.S. soldier died when his Bradley fighting vehicle somersaulted down a bank and into the Tigris River near Beiji. "That Bradley going end over end was spectacular. Definitely worth the price of the ticket," said Corporal Alan Funt. "I caught it on tape and I sent copies to Maximum Exposure and America's Funniest Home Videos to maybe earn some bucks for college. "

"He's the ideal young man and post-modern warrior,' commented Funt's C.O., Budu Saved From Drowning. "He knows what he wants in life and he just goes out and takes it."

As Powell met with occupation officials, about 70,000 Iraqis of Islam's Sunni and Shia sects marched in unison against the occupation after Friday prayers in Baghdad, chanting: "No to America, no to Saddam, No To American Sadism," the third reference obviously referring to Ahmed Chalabi the Cheney administrations hand picked hand puppet whose collaborators provided the Cheney administration its false pretexts for going to war.

Powell flew from Kuwait on a U.S. military C-130 cargo plane and was transported from the airport to military headquarters in an attack helicopter. He spent his seven- hour visit in the Green Zone, the heavily guarded compound that is the nerve center of occupation forces. "The whole inside of the C-130 was molded raw opium. Fascinating," Powell commented.

By Iraq and Los Angeles standards, Friday was relatively quiet, despite fears of a major bombing to celebrate the anniversary of the invasion, which was launched last March 19 in the United States, at dawn March 20 in Iraq. "Nah. We wasn't in the mood to kill civilians on our first anniversary," said Sergaent Willie 'Waxie' Waxman. "We slept in. We'll raise some shit on the second anniversary."

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