The Assassinated Press

Lady Gaga rescheduled: Pop idol turned down offer to play point guard for Wizards in game 6 to avoid scheduling conflict

By JAY SWIFT
The Assassinated Press
5/4/14

Lady Gaga has caved to the Washington Wizards citing her poor three point shooting as the main reason for refusing the teams of offer to allow her to pay at least 40 minutes at point guard for the team in a potential game 6 playoff game.

There is great benefit for the culture at large because Gaga, who was originally scheduled to perform in Philadelphia on May 12 as part of her artRave: The ARTPOP Ball Tour, will now not have her name associated with Art by the corporate public relations industry at least for brief time.

Both Art and Gaga will greatly benefit from the brief separation, a partnership that has appeared hollow every fuckin’ nano-second of its PR existence, demeaning to Indo-European based languages, and whatever dram of culture is left in western society now that the corporations are in control.

AWE

And while the new date will work for some, others are now in a bind. Mark James, a 19-year from Charlotte, got tickets to the show as a Christmas present after last year’s Gaga show in D.C. was canceled because of the singer’s rabid but pseudo-aesthetic drug use. His flight to Washington is on Wednesday; that no longer works. His hotel has no available rooms on the new date, and his friends aren’t available May 12.

He said he “pretty much started crying” when the new date was announced, and is “freaking out right now” over the switch.

Wizards management offered him an all expenses paid trip to the UK to attend the two week Stratford on the Avon Shakespeare Festival, but young Mark answered “Eeeew.”

Buck up, fuck up. At least nobody’s bombing your home or killing your family with a drone, Mark.


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