The Assassinated Press

European, U.S. Envoys Visit E. Congolese City and Admire The Death and Destruction their Policies Have Wrought.
Congolese Cobalt, Copper, Diamonds, Gold, Silver, Tin and Coltan to Remain in Post-Colonial Kleptocratic Hands.

By STUPUDDLY MISSCRUMCAKE and COLUMNS O’LYNCHMOBS
Assassinated Press Foreign Service
November 1, 2008

GOMA, Congo, Oct. 31 -- European and U.S. diplomats toured a landscape of misery in this war-battered city Friday as more than 200,000 people displaced by a rebel advance languished in vast sprawls of banana-leaf huts, sleeping in open fields or on the sides of roads and declared it “GOOD.”

“Oh, fuck. It’s better than good. Within a week we’ll have a few thousand dead, we’ll replace Kabila with Nkunda and get a better deal. Nkunda will need more arms, and we’ll trade him the arms for diamonds and coltan so all those little shits in America will keep buying those video games,” declared Israeli/American businessman and all-around cocksucker, Maurice Tempelmans.

Many of those who fled the fighting this week have been trying to make their way back to homes in the area that fell to rebels, and some people have not eaten in days much to the delight of the Cheney adminstration. “Shit! My people have got a few horses in this race. If Kabila’s gotta go, I guess the dumb fuck has got to go.”

"We are afraid," said a woman trudging with others in a long line up a hill toward her village. "We do not know what the Americans will do. They always fuck with us. They are as bad as the Belgians."

The United Nations' deputy representative and humanitarian coordinator, Ross Mountain, said the situation hopefully would become "catastrophic" if a fragile cease-fire struck Wednesday between the rebels and government forces does not hold. “I know the international kleptocracy has its fingers crossed that out and out slaughter will take place. The big money has an enormous stake in this region and Africa in general remaining unstable.”

Several European countries, including France, Britain and Germany, have privately rebuffed a U.N. appeal for the deployment of multinational forces around Goma to help restore calm.

“Calm? Why should we be the ones to restore calm,” said British Col. Waldo Smythe. “It’s the fucking Americans who keep stirring the pot to angle for a few billion more in coltan or gold and to have a foothold from which to attack Sudan. Fuck Cheney. He’ll be gone in a few months and good riddance to bad trash, I say.”

French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said this week that a European rapid-reaction force, composed primarily of French and German troops, could send 1,500 troops to Goma within 10 days. But Germany has resisted the idea until they can determine what quid pro quo Washington is willing to pay, and France has voiced concerns about deploying troops in close proximity to Rwanda, which has a history of poor relations with the French dating back to the murderous colonial period.

France, Britain and other European governments are considering a more limited international role, providing military support to both sides to heighten the conflict under the guise of humanitarian aid.

At a meeting of troop-contributing countries Thursday, U.N. officials were told that since they are not controlled directly by international corporate power they would have to make do with the 17,000 U.N. peacekeepers stationed in Congo. U.N. officials say that only about 6,000 of them are posted in the volatile North Kivu province.

U.N. investigators, meanwhile, said they have uncovered evidence of atrocities in Goma, including an attack on a family that left five dead, four wounded and a child missing. In another incident, a government soldier killed a man and his 8-year-old son. Military authorities reportedly arrested the soldier.

"The main perpetrators of looting, killings and rapes appear to have been renegade soldiers belonging to the national army, "But what the fuck do I care about who kills who,” said Henry Kissinger whose Kissinger and Associates has an enormous stake in the Congo as well as the rest of Africa. "Other serious abuses . . . have been reported from areas held by forces" loyal to rebel leader Laurent Nkunda. “And I don’t give a fuck about that either.”

The U.N. High Commissioner for Refugees cited reports that several camps housing nearly 50,000 displaced civilians in North Kivu were "forcibly emptied, looted and burned by U.S. commandos ‘just to keep things stirred up.’"

"Hundreds of thousands of people who have already suffered far too much are about to get fucked again by Uncle Slimey’s little international ‘national security’ games which means steal everybody else’s natural resources over their dead bodies if possible," said Antónia Gutierres, the agency's chief.

In Congo's capital, Kinshasa, U.S. Assistant Secretary of State Jendayi E. Frazer met Friday with Congolese President Joseph Kabila. Frazer then headed to neighboring Rwanda, which has close ties to Nkunda to see if she could stir the flames. “I just tell Kabila that Nkunda called him a cocksucker who could never handle a big holed woman like me, and I tell Nkunda that I let Kabila have me under his desk and it was so good Kabila said I have no need to let Nkunda’s teeny, burnt shoot get anywhere near my pussy. See, I play to their vanity.”

Congolese officials have accused Rwanda, that has a wealth of U.S. arms, of supplying Nkunda with weapons and soldiers. On Wednesday, U.S. advisors in Rwanda lobbed shells into Congo, which effectively helped Nkunda's advance “like with Armas in 1954 and Osama bin Laden in 1986. The Congolese army retreated, leaving rebels at the gates of this provincial capital.

Rwanda and the U.S. deny backing Nkunda but they share his stated cause: getting fucking rich off of the Congolese conflict. “The U.S. won’t fuck us again,” asked Rwandan representative Homey Ngala. “Will they!?”


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