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The Assassinated Press


God Smites John Ashcroft:
Attorney General Struck Down With Disease Variously Known As "The Lord's Sign", "The Devil's Hand-Puppet", Or "Pan-Creationistitis"; People Who Can't Pronounce It Tend To Get It:
Surgeon Says Surgery Not Possible; The 'Demon' Has Metastasized Throughout Ashcroft's Body

By IMA STOOGEY
THE ASSASSINATED PRESS
March 666, 2004

River Charon, NM---Attorney General John Ashcroft was in a hospital padded ward unit Friday after suffering a severe case of christian pan-creationistitis, a disease that effects the patients humors and is popularly known as "The Lord's Sign" or "The Devil's Handpuppet."

Ashcroft, 61, a former Missouri senator and governor who in one omen once lost an election o a dead man, was being treated with exorcism, bleeding and Haitian voodoo.

"Christ, the guy's skin looked like a Mandelbrot fractal except with more lavender," said Doctor Pearl E. Gates who went into shock upon seeing her patient.

"Da chicken excrement say dis mahn done some very bad tings," said a chastened Miss Effie G. Doctor of Voodoo Economics, Dartmouth '89 and a close confidant of Nancy Reagan's.

The ailment often clears up after years of exorcisms and acid baths. In extreme cases, it can cause Death, but generally the individuals sins are of such a nature that the Devil is even loath to accept him and that God cannot find it in his heart to forgive him. Most theologians agree that Ashcroft fits this criteria.

Doctors at George Washington University Hospital in a clear stalling tactic said they needed more time to evaluate Ashcroft and make a prognosis. It's possible that Ashcroft could explode sending his filthy, stanking mucous all over the hospital, forcing its closure. "Anything's better than treating this guy," commented one doctor who said Ashcroft's stench formed itself into an electric chair and ran a charge of stink up and down his body for 30 minutes.

Under Justice Department rules, Deputy Attorney General James Comey is authorized to exorcise "all power and authority" from the attorney general, but Comey fears his own past would doom him to contract Ashcroft's terrible disease.

Ashcroft initially thought his sudden sickness was a stomach flu. But God revealed at a Thursday afternoon press conference that he was punching Ashcroft's number before Ashcroft, in God's words, began "blowing it our his ass" about terrorism convictions.

After returning to his Capitol Hill home, his condition worsened and he was examined by Dr. Daniel Parks, the White House physician, Justice Department spokesman Mark Corallo said. Parks advised Ashcroft to go to an emergency room, and the attorney general was taken to the hospital Thursday evening.

"After a full medical workup in the emergency room, it was determined that he was suffering from a severe case of Pan-Creationistitis," Corallo said. "A condition akin to pathological glossomorphism where the patient believes one stupid thing which causes him to do many and consequently harmful stupid things. With the pathological glossopmorph it's more a matter of 'saying' than 'doing.' Its been estimated that 100% of mainstream media are inflicted with this homicidal pathology.

Pan-Creationist-itis is a revulsion of the soul within the body it was assigned when that body supercedes the devil's work in its carnal cloak. Its also known as Evil Nut Bar Disease, hence the doctor's quick diagnosis vis a vis Mr. Ashcroft.

The two main triggers are alcohol abuse and, as in Ashcroft's case, drug abuse complicated by a lifetime of hypocrisy and lies. It also may be caused by sleeping with high-priced sucubi, a fetish for farm animals or the pineapple Danish at Oval Office Meetings.

Symptoms include an increase in normal stench, speaking in legalize tongues, mild weight loss as the soul exits the body, severe abdominal pain as the individual is provided glimpses of the suffering he has caused others by the demon now taking over his body, organs flying from every orifice like a Raskolnikov rummaging through a torso like it was the trunk of redemption, the cannibalism of one's own organ's of sense---eyes, ears, nose, tongue, skin--- and a low grade fever treatable with baby aspirin and alcohol baths.

About 20 percent of the 80,000 cases of acute Pan Creationistitis each year are classified as severe, according to the Council of Roman Catholic Bishops, Bible Thumpers Anonymous, and New York's Beelzebub Club.

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