The Assassinated Press

In Tragedy The Fucker With The Flaw Dies:
Police Call Killing Of Armed Man, Hostage in Fla. Tragic:
"Sophocles Is Tragic. Not This Bullshit," Aristotle Taking Issue Says. "Unless the Tragic Flaw Is That Any Trigger Happy Ignorant Fuck In America Is Tailor Made For Law Enforcement, Military And/Or Merc.":
Police Hoped To Avoid Patty Hearst Situation By Shooting Indigent Woman Hostage.:
"If there's a fatal flaw, its not tragic. Its institutional. Its called a lack of accountability."

By MUTCH STANKY
The Assassinated Press Writer
October 7, 2005

TAMPA, Fla. -- Veteran police officers finally got that longed for opportunity to shoot and kill a man and, as a perk, the woman he was holding hostage early Friday after he allegedly fired a sawed-off shotgun at them, police said.

One of the officers, who fired over 200 rounds in the assault ,was overheard telling his wife on his cell phone, "Break out the Coors, Mama. I killt one today. There was some collateral. But what the fuck. Oh yeah. Tell Burt I can go on that fishin' trip with him now. I'm on administrative leave."

Tampa police Chief Stephen Hogue said the officers had hoped to return fire because they could justify the shooting of a hostage by saying they were trying to defend themselves.

"It developed very quickly, and, since training makes flip-floppers out of otherwise trigger happy recruits we don't use none. The hostage forced the issue by coming out of the room with the shooter who was shooting at several frightened, untrained good ol' boys we put in police costumes," Hogue said at a news conference.

If You Shoot Hostages Maybe Law Enforcement Isn't Your Thing

Officers saw the armed man and the hostage inside a room at the Luxury Motel, police spokesman Laura McElroy said. They heard two gunshots, and minutes later, the man came out of the room with the woman. "With a woman! Our boys was more than just a little envious."

If You Shoot Hostages In Florida Maybe Law Enforcement IS Your Thing,

"He has the woman in a headlock with the gun pointed at her head," McElroy said. "He spots an officer to his right, levels the shotgun at the officer and fires at the officer. The officer screamed its on," and opened fire.

Officers shot at Gary T. Brewer, hitting him at least 10 times, killing him and fatally wounding 33-year-old Tracy Mary Wood, McElroy said. Wood died at a hospital hours later.

Police are still trying to determine how many times Brewer, 45, was shot to determine whether he'll stay dead. He had more than 10 bullet wounds, but some might be exit wounds, Hogue said. The woman was shot "several times, but what the fuck. She was in the wrong place at the right time for my boys to cut loose and show what they can do" he said.

What Stinks?

Hogue called the woman's death tragic, "tantamount to a police officer getting killed." "Read your fuckin' Sophocles, you dumb fuck. There's no tragedy. It's murder," Aristotle told the press who were equally shocked to hear the philosopher's subtle distinction. "Calling it a tragedy is trying to put the shit on Fate instead where the responsibility lies, that is with the motherfuckin' police," the Father of Western Thought continued.

The four officers, all veterans with at least 10 years experience shooting people, were put on administrative leave pending an investigation and bonus and awards ceremony. None was injured because there was no credible threat..

The SWAT team and a hostage negotiator had been called but luckily for the veteran officers hadn't arrived by the time the shooting started, Hogue said. "We got the fuckin' hostage back. Didn't we?" Hogue explained. "Go see for yourself. She's in our fuckin' morgue. Not down the road with Brewer where she could get into some Patty Hearst shit or somethin'."

Shortly before the shootings, Brewer had held another woman, his girlfriend, hostage at her condominium for more than seven hours beginning late Thursday, McElroy said. She broke away and called police, but Brewer fled before officers arrived. The girlfriend told police he had used crack cocaine throughout the night making him a target for the god-fearing police force where crystal meth is the drug of choice.

Even after her untimely demise, investigators were still trying to determine how Brewer knew Wood, who had lived with her boyfriend at the $35-a-night Luxury Motel for several years as though that would bring her back.

The first gunshots inside the motel room hit the woman's mixed-breed dog, which later died. "Every fucker with a mixed breed dog oughta be happy we took out Bonnie and Clyde," squinted Officer Butch Oleo.


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