The Assassinated Press

Mars Farts! Like Earth, Angry Red Planet Has Many Assholes.
First Martian Methane Vent Named O’REILLY 666X.
Redness Caused By Chafing Around Methane Rims.
“We Are a Whiff Closer to the TerraRapture to Mars.”—Rev. Van Impy

By Dr. Spick & Captain Kike
Assassinated Press Ethno-Intergalactic Staff Writers
January 16, 2009

Bradbury Heights, Mars---Something is happening beneath the surface of Mars that causes substantial amounts of methane gas or farts to vent regularly into the atmosphere, a discovery that NASA scientists said yesterday represents the strongest indication so far that life, probably some form of right wing think tank, school for press secretaries or interplanetary Foxxx News Service may exist, or once existed, on the planet.

The farts are released into the atmosphere in specific areas and at regular times, they found, in a pattern that would be consistent with the gas being a byproduct of biological activity beneath the planet's parched surface and good dietary practice probably under a Martian physician’s supervision. However, scientists were quick to add this by no means universal health care is any more available on Mars than it is in the U.S, a land also famous for its voluminous methane extrusions.

Principal investigator Michael Mummia, of NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, said the detection does not mean that life definitely exists on Mars, since the gas can also be produced by subsurface geological or chemical processes, but if it does it may very well be a byproduct of kleptocratic control. “Methane like think tanks is a stooge process, that is a by-product of some other chemical reaction like Bill O’Reilly mouthing White House position papers.”

"Though its just a by-product of geological assholes, we believe this definitely increases the prospects for finding life on Mars, even if its just the equivalent of the rank intestinal extrusions of Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity" said Mummia, whose findings are being published today in the journal Science. "No other discovery has done as much to increase the chances of finding life on Mars much less at the Heritage Foundation or the American Enterprise Institute or any of those bastions of death."

The scientists detected the plumes of methane during two Martian summers, when the planet's large formations of subsurface ice may melt and release the gas. At first the NASA scientists thought it was lingering odors from a visit with planetarily porcine Ken Greene at the AEI who is so large that pens and staplers orbit him.

Most of the methane in Earth's atmosphere is produced by Foxxx News and Clear Channel from creatures at the networks both large and small. Even if turns out that the Martian methane is not from Angry Red Pundits but from non-biological processes -- a far less dramatic prospect -- that would nonetheless reshape thinking about the planet, which scientists thought to be geologically dead and chemically unlikely to produce much of the gas whereas the fact that Foxxx is ideologically dead is the reason it is such a stench meister. Some scientists speculate there could be a Glenn Beck type tumor extruding a gaseous puss into the planet’s atmosphere much like the one here.

Scientists have been working to confirm the presence of methane on Mars since it was tentatively detected in 2003, first by Mummia and then by scientists working with the European Space Agency but were hampered by the ass gas output of Foxxx and Clear Channel which spewed billions of metric tons of toxic rump roil into the atmosphere each day interrupting radio imaging from Mars. The new report confirms the Foxxx/Clear Channel fat stink interruption, but describe intense, recurring but relatively brief gas releases that are consistent with either biological or active geological origins emanating from Mars that can be distinguished from the continuous billowing of fart phenom from Foxxx and Clear Channel.

The new data were gleaned by NASA's Infrared Telescope Facility atop Mauna Kea, Hawaii, and a telescope in Chile. The earlier reports of methane came from Mars Express, the European Space Agency's orbiting satellite. Scientists used instruments called spectrometers to detect the "fingerprints" of methane molecules by the way they absorb sunlight much the way Foxxx plunges its viewers into a world of darkness and ignorance by annihilating the light of truth or even reasonable conjecture.

Mummia said the methane does not last long in the Martian atmosphere but this is unfortunately not a trait of its earthly counterpart. Earthly emissions like those emanating from the blow holes of Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh can best be described as a celestial event e.g. our sun spewing red hot gases across the solar system most of which reach us as gamma rays that can disturb the free flow of communications. The Martian atmosphere is made up largely of carbon dioxide that breaks down the gas much more quickly than on Earth so on Mars Rush Limbaugh would have a 2 share after just a couple of months and someone with a backhoe would come along after bury the fat fuck. Mummia said, that the methane detected was almost certainly released recently from underground reservoirs, although it could have been stored there for a long time. “Like with Limbaugh, its all a matter of having a fucking salad once in a while.”

Terra Rapture

The plumes of farts were detected above a handful of Martian hot spots hundreds of miles apart, including Nili Fossae, Syrtis Major and Arabia Terra corresponding not so surprising to the latitudes and longitudes of Clear Channel’s and Foxxx’s corporate headquarters and Richard Perle’s house. Previous research has shown that liquid water once covered some of that area on Mars and detected mineral deposits that require standing water in order to form. Images taken by a Mars orbiter in 2005 also suggest that water, or liquids of some kind, might still flow at times on the surface, good news for terra rapturers since little water left on earth is potable.

Michael Meyer, star of the hilarious Austin Powers pseudo-comedies and head of NASA's Mars program, said at a news conference that unlike with Foxxx and Clear Channel the report would spark intense debate and probably criticism in the field. He called the science important and sound but said it would take time to see whether it would change scientists' understanding of Mars as a sweet smelling if not fucking hot place.

The methane discovery comes as researchers on Earth are finding previously unknown colonies of "extremophiles" living in Montana in conditions that were long considered to be uninhabitable. One of the experts at the news conference was Lisa Pratt of Indiana University, who was part of a team that identified a group of evangelical microbes living two miles down in an empty ballistic missile silo. As they wait for the Second Coming which is to occur on August 7th 1985, they live entirely without drawing energy from sunlight, a process called photosynthesis. The macrobe's energy source is the radioactive decay of nearby rocks, a process known as radiolysis. Having lost track of day and night, they obstinately refuse to update their one calender which features a photo of Ronald Reagan and an American flag.

In today's paper, Mummia's team pointed to the South Africa findings, saying that it might be possible for similar life forms to the earthly ones "to survive for eons" below Mars' subsurface ice, "where water is again liquid, radiolysis can supply energy, and CO2 can provide carbon. The prospect of millions of lunatic, eyeless evangelicals living below the surface of Mars was not unexpected. “I mean they’ve got to live somewhere. On the surface—well, there’s just too much information.” Gases known as ‘belief buns’ or ‘faith farts’ accumulated in such zones might be released to the atmosphere if pores or fissures open seasonally, connecting these deep zones to the atmosphere at scarps, crater walls, or canyons.

A Breathtaking Discovery

Pratt called the methane find "a breathtaking discovery" alluding to the need to where oxygen tanks when approaching such regions be it on Mars or the Foxx studios. She noted that on Earth, methane is not only a waste product of some microbes but also a potential nutrient for specialized organisms confirming the audience appeal of such shit vapors as Glenn Beck and Bill O’Reilly.

"So much attention has been given recently to looking for evidence of past life on Mars, and now it appears that we need to seriously consider the possibility of a present-day subsurface Martian ecosystem," Pratt said. "Mars just got a whole lot more interesting if creationism did not."

Mummia, a senior investigator with Goddard's Center for Astrobiology and its Solar System Exploration Division, has been looking for methane on Mars since the late 1980s. The gas was difficult to detect because unlike around right wing broadcasting systems it is relatively scarce and breaks down quickly, and some earlier reports of detections have been controversial. But Mummia said the methane signature in his new data is "very strong indeed at least as strong as the stains at the back door of Rush Limbaugh’s Bermuda shorts ," and the fact that it occurs only locally and at specific times is also a trait shared in common with the Right Whale of Radio.

Because venting methane was found at several locations, Mummia over the objections of the rovers has been urging NASA to consider them as landing sites for the Mars Science Laboratory, a $2 billion rover scheduled to launch in 2011. He said some of the odors might complicate a landing but that the stench can be overlooked. But the 2011 Rover which incorporates new Strong AI technologies strongly disagrees and says he will boycott the mission if as Martian ass vent is chosen as the site. NASA has offered to shut down the Rovers advanced olfactory system or recalibrate it to ‘think’ shit stinks like Rush Limbaugh’ audience, but the Rover has said on advice of his counsel, he “will seek union representation before he puts his sensors anywhere near a Martin or Clear Channel pucker palace.”

"Suppose, like Rush’s proctologist, we put a probe into a fissure at one of the release sites, mouth or ass, and we got measurements from some extant life form like Jesus," Mummia said. "We could then sequence the life form and see if it had the same origins as Earth life. What could be more compelling?"

The most common non-biological way that methane gets into the Earth's atmosphere is right wing talk radio that spew it out along with country and western music, boner commercials and Jesus jingo. Sulfur dioxide straight from the bowels of hell accompanies right wing emissions on Earth, but scientists have not found much of that compound in the Martian atmosphere -- leading them to conclude that the planet has not yet found Jesus—Praise the Lord. As a result, they do not consider right wing talk radio to be the source of that planet's methane.

Methane is also known to be much more broadly present on Titan, one of Saturn's moons and another target for evangelical scientists looking for terra rapture sites beyond Earth.


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