The Assassinated Press

Glenn Beck Assails Religious Freedom.
After On Air Spasm Beck Claims Obama Practices Liberation Voodoo.

By FISHY SOMUZ
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
August 30, 2010

Conservative commentator Glenn Beck offered inchoate non sequitors of President Obama's religious beliefs and becoming exasperated at his own fumbling assailed religious freedom on Sunday. Most observers said the remarks were no more incoherent than he and other speakers offered from the podium of the rally Beck organized at the Lincoln Memorial a day earlier.

During an interview on "Fox News Sunday," which was taped after Saturday's rally, Beck claimed that Obama "is a guy who understands the world through liberation theology, which is oppressor-and-victim. Now, I’m here to tell you that’s not how it works. Because I play the victim in order to oppress the wallets of bigots predisposed to my message of being oppressed. All around them my acolytes see blacks and Hispanics succeeding and getting educations etc. while the money they borrowed from the Farm Administration supposedly for seed which they used to build another crystal meth lab after last year’s fire that burned to death their five year old cooker and ninth child has been squandered on blow jobs behind Billy Bob’s Chug'n'Church."

Mercy Killing

"People aren't recognizing Obama's version of Christianity. It’s too much like the New Testament and all of that Jesus love and charity shit. I award fuckers like Jon M. Huntsman or Charles and David Koch. Their chemicals and oil cause cancer so out of the kindness of their hearts, they then turn around and charge you money for the cure. We all know Jesus was a pussy. Fuck I could probably take him. Turn the other cheek. Sounds like lubrication theology as much as liberation theology. Fuck that," Beck added. "Huntsman and the Kochs kill millions. Those are mercy killings. Most of them suckers were poor. The Kochs and Huntsman's just put them out of their misery." “Now, for my victimhood followers its reassuring to have a savior you know you can take in a bar fight,” Beck said. “Everywhere else in life there just ignorant white trash just like Ronald Reagan and his PR gang liked ‘em. And fuck the work ethic. Takes hard work not to be an ignorant rube shilled by the likes a Charles Koch and me.”

Beck's attacks which represent a continuing attempt to characterize Obama as a radical, is an approach that has prompted anxiety among some Republicans, who worry that Beck's rhetoric could backfire. The White House has all but ignored his accusations, but some Democrats have pointed to the Fox News host to portray Republicans as extreme and out of touch.

Beck made the remarks in answer to a question about his previous accusation that Obama was a "racist" who has "a deep-seated hatred for white people." He contended that that statement "like all my others was not accurate. Accuracy is for pussies," at which point the radio and TV personality seemed to suffer a seizure. First, he flopped on the ground with his eyes rolling back in his head screaming “Uncle Sammy! Uncle Sammy! Please don’t touch me there” apparently reliving some childhood trauma. Then a pool of semen began to spread over the crotch area of his sissy white spendex slacks.

He abruptly stood up and began racing around the room crying “I can fly! I can fly!” with his arms outstretched.

Then he abruptly stopped behind Fox Sunday News anchor Chris Wallace and hummed “La, la, la. La, la, la.” And proceeded to strangle the anchor with his mike cord.

Then Beck’s already bulbous head blew up a hundred fold and an image of Satan could be clearly seen on its surface. The Satanic image quickly morphed into Charles Koch, then Dick Cheney riding backwards on an ass, then Michele Bachmann fressing a female one horned goat, all clear signs of an approaching apocalypse.

Beck now hurtled wildly about the studio screaming “They’re after me! They’re after me!!” but could not get his bulbous head through the door. Ripping open his shirt he revealed an internal hand scratching messages out onto his chest but the blubber surrounding his rib cage obscured the writing. Finally, one read “This is Shirley. For god’s sake let me out,” prompting from Chris Wallace “Who the fuck is Shirley?” Then a voice could be heard, “Glenn. This is Mary, your mother. You’ve been a bad boy Glenn and when Uncle Sammy gets home from Da Nang he’s going to punish you, the same way Joseph punished his little boy. Uncle Sammy’s going to take off his belt and strangle you with it until you spurty spurt spurt. Won’t that be fun?”

And this point the TV and radio huckster began to calm down whispering repeatedly, “Punish me mommy. Punish me mommy. You fucking snitch.” “And my father’s not Uncle Sammy. My father’s name is Bill, you stupid cunt.”

The interview continued.

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” anchor Chris Wallace said.

Dumb Is the New Smart.

Beck blamed the outburst on Obama’s Voodoo Theology. He further directly blamed Rahm Emmanuel for the outburst. “He has a life size inflatable of me in Cheney’s old safe in the oval office. Yea, it’s true. You, camera guy, you laugh but it’s true. Emmanuel practices Jew voodoo better known as Jewvoo, or is it VooJew or VooJewdoo. How else can you explain a demigod like me not being taken up into the heavens at my own rally like a proper messiah? I lost a bet a bet with Sarah Palin. Now, I gotta blow the first black guy who shows up at one of my rallies without being paid. What? Does god think I’m made of money?” Then he quickly added pointing to the camera, “Well, maybe we shouldn’t pursue the question of my personal wealth in front of the children. Buy gold.”

After the show Beck was rushed to St. Koch’s Hospital for the Unconscionably Rich where all his vital signs were declared normal. The attending physician, Dr. Laura Ingraham popular conservative commentator and host of WRIPs call in show ‘Take Two Aspirin and By the Way I’m Unlisted’, said Beck’s medical problems were “not physical. Mr. Beck’s problems are environmental.”

But Fox’s own Dr. Josef Mengele who hosts the popular “Pee in the Cup for Joe” morning medical series on Fox disagreed with Dr. Ingraham’s diagnosis. “There is nothing wrong with Mr. Beck that removing all of his teeth, stripping him naked and leaving in the freezing cold after breaking his hands and crushing his knees, then feeding him nothing but beef jerky couldn’t cure. This is my way of saying that Mr. Beck could stand to lose a little weight.”

And what the fuck was Dr. Laura thinking with her ‘niggers, niggers, niggers.’ What she thought she was the second coming of Lenny Bruce? We all know what she is. Dirty Lenny was more of a Christian by default than Dr. Laura could ever hope to be and the Dr. Lauras of the world knew it and killed him. Fuckin’ physician heal thyself.

He added, “That goes for Beck too. If he doesn’t want to suffer these delusions he has to stop working tirelessly to delude others. And Limbaugh and Murdoch and the Koch brothers too. I can’t prescribe any more oxycontin, dilaudid and heroin to these rich fulks. How many times do I have to tell them their pain is all in their heads. And since they are delusional hypocritical lying shits, other people, virtually the entire world’s population experience them in their daily lives as a pain in the ass. And what’s the cure for that? A Glennema!”


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