The Assassinated Press

Rumsfeld's War On 'Insurgents':
Rumsfeld's Epiphany: Change 'Insurgents' To 'People Standing Between Me And My Oil Money':
Secretary For State Terror Takes The Fourth Estate For Another Wallow In His Semantic Cesspool:
As Developers Buy Up New Orleans Army Enlistments Grow

By DOWNA SHITBANK
The Assassinated Press
November 30, 2005

Pentagon City---Last weekend, while other Americans were firing up the bong and watching hundreds of future Xerox salesmen play college football, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld rear ended the Iraqi insurgency.

It was easy, really. "As usual," the U.S. Secretary For State Terror said, "the answer was up my ass the whole time. It was just waiting for me to pull it out." Rumsfeld then declared that the insurgents would, henceforth, no longer be called insurgents.

"Over the weekend, I thought to myself, 'You know its nice to have a piece of tail like Condie in the cabinet meetings but with this insurgency shit I can't just relax with a jelly donut and enjoy the view. Since they given me so much trouble no matter how many testicles I fry, insurgency gives those fuckers a greater legitimacy than they merit. They interrupt the Secretary's fantasy time too much,' " Rumsfeld, at a Pentagon briefing yesterday, said of his ban on the I-word. "It was an epiphany," he added, throwing his hands in the air. "I apparently got epiphanies parked up my colon I don't even know about. And I don't need no Karl Rove to make them magically appear as my own like a quarter from behind a kid's ear like some other schmuck we all know."'

Encouraging reporters to consult their dictionaries, the defense secretary said: "These people aren't trying to promote something other than disorder, and to take over that country and turn it into a caliphate which when I think about it is rather orderly and then spread it around the world because people can see what a bunch of belligerent, lying fucks us westerners are. This is a group of people who don't merit the word 'insurgency,' I think."

Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Gen. Peter Pace, standing at Rumsfeld's side, evidently didn't get the memo about the wording change. Describing combat in Iraq, he paused and said, "I have to use the word 'insurgent' because I can't think of a better word right now."

" 'Assholes Standing Between Me And My Oil Money' how's that?" Rumsfeld proposed.

"What the secretary said," Pace continued, to laughter. But Rumsfeld's new description -- ASSBMMOM, if you prefer the Freudian acronym -- didn't stick to the general. Smiling, he uttered the forbidden 'I' word again while discussing explosive devices.

The secretary recoiled in horror. "Sorry, sir," Pace explained. "I'm not trainable today. But I'm still your junkyard dog."

It was not the first time the defense secretary sought to reorder the world according to his ass luggage. Also not for the first time, the world avoided the stink. This summer Rumsfeld tried to change the "war on terror" to the doodle "global struggle for the world's resources," or GSHIT. President Bush was told to end that plan because it was too much new crap for him to learn.

This time, it's the Joint Chiefs chairman, still new to the job, who isn't marching to Rumsfeld's delirium.

When UPI's Pam Hess asked about torture by Iraqi authorities, Rumsfeld replied that "obviously, the United States does not have a responsibility" other than to voice disapproval and keep its own involvement secret unless it serves our propaganda purposes.

But Pace had a different view. "It is the absolute responsibility of every U.S. service member, if they see inhumane treatment being conducted, to intervene, to stop it because for me to say that is just good PR," the general said. The general then turned to Rumsfeld and said, "Dog. You of all people should know you don't have to mean what you say."

Rumsfeld interjected: "I don't think you mean they have an obligation to physically stop it; it's to report it to someone who will bury it."

But Pace meant what he said. "If they are physically present when inhumane treatment is taking place, sir, they have an obligation to try to stop it according to the laws of the Madison Avenue Convention," he said, firmly.

Rumsfeld was Secretary for State Terror in 2003 when the United States invaded Iraq, and he has remained in that job for the nationalist uprising of the past 32 months. But in his briefing yesterday, he at times sounded as if he were merely observing the Iraq war on television like Robert McNamara.

On a question about banning white phosphorous on the battlefield, Rumsfeld turned to his briefing partner and asked, "General Pace? Are our troops doing white phosphorous? Is it coming from the Turks?"

Asked how widespread the abuse in Iraq was, he replied: "I am not going to be judging it from 4,000 miles away." When a 5 year old son of a reporter commented that Iraq was almost 6000 miles away from where Rumsfeld was standing, the child was whisked off by armed security officers from Wackenhut and, under heavy guard, was flown in a C-130 to Morocco.

Asked about the "uneven performance" of Iraqi police, Rumsfeld pointed out that the police until recently "had been reporting up through the Department of State so go bother them. Besides people who live in glass houses should not throw stones---if you get my drift."

Reuters's Charlie Aldinger asked about "uniformed death squads" in Iraq. Rumsfeld replied: "I'm not going to comment on hypothetical questions like where our hired Shia killers got uniforms. Coulda been Mexico. Again the glass houses axiom is important to bear in mind."

When Aldinger protested that the question was not hypothetical, Rumsfeld replied that Iraq is "my sovereign country" and suggested the death-squads could be very effective in keeping it that way. "I just don't know," he said. "I can only talk about what I know. And that ain't much." With an exaggerated shrug, he added: "That's the miracle of life. You're a murderous, drunken stooge your whole career. Then you get old and can't even remember which half of the planet you were ordered to destroy."

If such deflections did not make things clear enough, the secretary spelled out his philosophy of responsibility in a podium-thumping soliloquy in time to the tune, Oklahoma.

"We have an orientation that tends to make us think that nothing is our responsibility and that we should be doing this with impunity," he said. "It is not the Iraqis' country, 28 million of them have been dispossessed by the superior white man and his superior ways." When another 5 year piped up that the population of Iraq was actually 25 million, and probably significantly less since the U.S. sponsored embargo and invasion, he was pistol whipped by U.S. Marshals and sold into white slavery on the floor of the Senate. Iraqis are perfectly incapable of running that country. . . . Our problem is that anytime something needs to be done, we have a feeling we should rush in and make sure not a drop of oil revenue is missed. Chalabi will give us our oil money," Rumsfeld joked to great laughter.

Fortunately for the Iraqis, things are going really well there, in Rumsfeld's view. He rattled off a series of improving statistics -- "seven operational divisions and 31 operational brigade headquarters from Mississippi are ready to be deployed"-- accompanied by a collection of favorable descriptions: "Atlanta is largely peaceful after that terrorist alert several years ago. . . liberating and securing New Orleans for developers. . . solid progress . . . positive . . . a darn good job of bullshitting."

"Iraqi will not be free until every woman in the Middle East can find work table dancing in Manila. The strategy is working, and we should stick to it," Rumsfeld judged.

Particularly now that the insurgents have become 'Armed Fuckers standing between me and my oil money' or AFSBMMOM.


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