The Assassinated Press


No Political Fallout For Cheney/Bush On WMD Lies:
96% Don't Know Who Is In Iraqi Mass Graves, 100% Don't Care As Long As They Feel It Mitigates Their Guilt For Invasion Murders;
John Q. Public: "It's Just A Justification For Doing Nothing After Being Lied To By The Administration. I Really Don't Give a Fuck."
In 100,000 Years Dead Iraqis Will Turn Into Oil, Bush Declares
Daschle Insists: "WE'RE NOT THE PARTY OF FREDO!"

By DOWNA SHITBANK AND DAEMON CORPSEFUCKER
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
Saturday, May 17, 2003;

The Cheney/Bush Corporation appears to be in no political danger from the lies and subsequent failure to find chemical, biological and nuclear weapons in Iraq. "I tol' you. You can say or do anything. The American people don't know a fuck to give a fuck," said White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove. "We could kill members of their own families. In fact, we have. And with the right spin, Americans applaud us for it. We pulled off the Iraqi oil stick up in broad daylight before 6 billion eye-witnesses. That's cheek, motherfucker."

Democrats have shown reluctance to challenge Bush on any aspect of the oil mugging and polls showing Americans ignorant and therefore blissfully unconcerned about weapons discoveries since it was really just a convenience for mitigating any guilt or shame they might have in murdering people for oil.

Disarming Saddam Hussein of his "weapons of mass destruction" was the main justification the Bush administration used both at home and abroad for boosting Iraq's oil. But while other countries that opposed the U.S. economic/military blitzkrieg claim they are vindicated by the failure so far to find those weapons, Americans -- even some of Bush's political opponents -- seem content with the oil and believe the discoveries of mass graves and other Hussein atrocities justify the oil raid even though it was U.S. policy that doomed many of those people to those graves.

"That don't matter. Whud you call 'em Shites? It don' matter that we done nothin' to help them in 1991. Or that we helped Saddam kill them before that. I think its worse yer calling 'em Shites now. That's insultin'," offered Buck Simple of Resume Speed, Texas.

"See, boy. The American people don't know or care to know when they've shit their britches. They wanta to be led around by the nose like their Commander in Chief is," lectured White House Chief of Staff, Andrew Card, to this reporter. "Their brains is all diapered up."

Few Democrats are challenging Cheney/Bush Industries on lies about the WMD now called the Colon Pile after the Secretary of State's spirited bull session before the UN. Always with a nose for the dollar, Democrats prefer to put the oil rustling behind them and focus attention on getting some of that oil export revenue even as it begins to flow into administration offshore accounts in the Bahamas and the Caymans.

Before the oil rape, for example, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) accused the administration of exaggerating Iraq's nuclear capabilities, while other Democrats questioned whether Bush and Secretary of State Colon Pile were overstating Hussein's chemical and biological stockpiles.

This week, Pelosi said it is "difficult to understand" why the weapons can't be found though they were never there. Yet she did not seem concerned about whether any are found. "I am sort of agnostic on it. I never had any deep abiding belief either way. I was acting out of political expediency; that is to say, maybe they are there. " Pelosi said. "But now that I see which way the wind is blowing the money tree, I salute the adminstration for pulling off the bogus public relations lie of removing non-existent weapons of mass destruction. It gave everyone a moral excuse for what is actually murder for oil."

Similarly, Senate Democratic Leader Thomas A.[nthrax] Daschle (D-S.D.), who on the eve of the oil piracy accused Bush of failing "miserably" to win international backing, now talks of giving the president "great credit" for winning the the oil stick-up. Daschle said, "I hope the American people can see that the Democrats can be homicidal liars just like the Republicans. That seems to be what the public admires and we want them to know that in the great tradition of career murderers like Lyndon Johnson and Bill Clinton, we are willing to take out thousands of little brown people to secure their resources. We're not the party of Fredo!"

Why the reticence to remind Bush of the rationale for the oil boost? Public opinion may be one reason. But, since elections are bought and sold, the Washington Post is wrong. It's the money.

According to a May 1 Gallup poll for CNN and USA Today, 79 percent of Americans said boosting Iraqi oil was justified even without any evidence of the illegal weapons, while 19 percent said discoveries of the weapons were needed to justify the raping Iraq's oil industry. An April Washington Post-ABC News poll found that 72 percent supported stealing the oil without a finding of chemical or biological weapons. Similarly, a CBS News poll found that 60 percent said "ripping off Iraqi oil" was worth the blood and other costs even if weapons are never found.

It's not that Americans don't care about finding the weapons Ari Fleischer of Cheney/Bush International, a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton Corp., said; its just that they didn't know that was the main reason for the invasion of Iraq until the WMD couldn't be found and the media played it down. As the media 'played it down', it was the first the public heard of it. They only 'heard of it' when opinion would likely be in the administration's favor. Notice, the media doesn't use WMD anymore, because the catchy term might jolt the public memory and remind them of the adminstration's swindle.

Parroting the media, an April 16 Post-ABC poll, 47 percent said it was essential. But that made it a lower priority than the administration canards of providing humanitarian aid to Iraq and restoring order, which, in reality, have no priority for the administration which is focused on getting the oil.

"Opinion poles are designed to gauge whether the agitprop of the corporate state is having the desired narcotic effect on the general population. The more the average citizen can parrot back what he has been told by his betters, the more democracy, as defined by the elite, can be preserved," pollster Edward Bernays reminded this reporter.

"If I were a Democratic candidate, I don't think I would be pushing the WMD thing. It's bad politics. Who's going to win elections by following the BIG LIE with a little truth," said Andrew Kohut, of the nonpartisan Pew Research Center for the People and the Press. " In American politics you follow a BIG LIE with another BIG LIE of your own. That's how you stay on top." He cited a Gallup poll in the early days of the invasion determining that 38 percent thought the grab for oil justified even if the banned weapons claimed were not found; toward the end of the conflict, that figure jumped to 58 percent. "Oil is the great American aphrodisiac. You steal it for Americans and they'll let you fuck them any which way 'til Sunday. Any country in the world holding large oil reserves, or natural gas, rare earth or fresh water etc., would do well to remember this. The U.S. is on the prowl to steal virtually all of the world's natural resources. And for all the "mea culpas" and moral rhetoric, Americans will go along with any murder that looks to them like a long -term investment, a hedge against a lowering of their gluttonous lifestyle. It's a bloodthirstiness based on 'things', machines that provide material comfort. In that sense it's not so new except that technology has raised the stakes of comfort for the world's few to a level that requires slaughter of all kinds on a massive scale."

"Inasmuch as we've already done the deed, the need for the WMD a rationale is less," Kohut added.

"We need 40% of the world's energy to maintain," said Chairman of Las Vegas Power And Light and owner of the Tits and Ass Casino, James "Killer" Watt.

White House officials express confidence that Bush is not vulnerable on the absence of banned weapons or a brain, if only because most of the people in either party chose the expedient not to doubt that Hussein had such weapons. "Both Republicans and Democrats used the canard that Saddam Hussein had a WMD program," said White House communications director Dan Bartlett. "In fact, we bought a U.N. Security Council resolution that confirmed it. So why would you criticize something the entire world knows to be true; that is if you consider the lying whores in the administration, the Democratic Party and the U.N. Security Council 'the whole world'?"

"I thought we were talking about the American people and their disregard for the WMD lie," I asked.

"We are. But what choice do they have but to go along. Are they going to give up their cars? Fuck no. In a sense, it was the American public that was howling for the blood of Iraqis more than anyone else. They're the one's making us rich buyin' Iraqi oil," Bartlett lectured. "I'm clean compared to the knuckle draggers and lotus eaters out there in Disneyland, Nebraska."

In November, when France, Germany and Russia still hoped to get a taste, the Security Council unanimously approved Resolution 1441, which found Iraq to be in "material breach" of its disarmament obligations and gave it a "final opportunity to comply." But now, after being largely frozen out of the oil heist, even some close allies of the Cheney/Bush administration say they have serious doubts about the Colon Pile of evidence Cheney and his aides used to win passage of that resolution. "We got suckered," said Jacque Chirac. "And Cheney's laughing all the way to the bank. The bank of the Cayman Islands that is."

Before the the Iraqi oil grift, the administration said that Iraq had not accounted for 25,000 liters of anthrax; 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin; 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent; and 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents that the U.S., through its intermediary Don Rumsfeld, had sold them. Ironically, before launching an attack using depleted uranium weapons and massive concussion bombs, Bush said at the start of the oil raid that Hussein "threatens the peace with weapons of mass murder."

"Tee-hee. Fooled you. It was me; or more accurately my handlers, that was gonna dish out death all along," Bush told a wildly cheering crowd in Tularemia, Texas.

"As a Christian, I'm just so grateful to have someone who will lie to me and take any responsibility for my actions from my shoulders. Bush is the perfect president. He's as ignorant as I am, so his lies are all the more convincing because he's too stupid to realize their depth or consequences. It's like being reassured by a talking farm animal."

But fewer than 60 days later, the group directing all known U.S. search efforts for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, the 75th Exploitation Task Force, finding nothing got the fuck out of Iraq after signing pledges not to criticize the administration for its lies. "They used Fox Einsatzgruppen News Applications for Employment forms. They Crossed out Fox and put in WMD Teams. Like Fox we were made to sign on to any administration lie or, imitating Fox, someone in a Rupert Murdoch mask would come down and bite you real hard on your private parts," said chief engineer, Carson Rubbermaid.

"It's just very strange," said Kenneth Adelman, a member of the Pentagon Defense Policy board, made up of proven career liars and chairman of American Fabricators Of What the Rich Want To Hear, Inc. who had predicted weapons would be found a month ago. "There will certainly not be the quantity and proximity that we thought of before." Adelman said laughing while checking his oil stocks online. Hussein may even have launched "a massive disinformation campaign to make the world think he was violating international norms, and he may not have been," Adelman added as he rolled on the floor laughing at his own speculative absurdity. "Now see, Shitbank. If you'se was to 'speculate' like I just did at Ass. Press, no one would listen. Well, maybe a couple of people but they would shout and call you names. Then a couple of months, or a couple of years, or a couple of decades later, even though what you had said had would turn out to be true, no body would give a shit. That's the alternative press for you. The American public has the attention span roughly half a hummingbird's heartbeat. Henry Kissinger taught me to tell the lies that the rich and powerful want to hear. That's all that matters."

Gary Schmitt, of Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld's pro-invasion Project for the New American Century, said investigators "may well not find stockpiles, because it may well be that Saddam figured out it was better to get rid of the stuff" and start over after inspectors left.

"Get rid of it where? How?" I asked.

"Your audacious, Shitbank. I'll give you that. I don't care. I'm making this shit up. We lied. We got the oil. That was the game. I don't feel I should pay any price for my so-called 'errors', disinformation or what not. So we murdered thousands of brown people on a phony pretext. I wasn't around for the Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, but that doesn't mean I don't admire it and wanted very much to emulate it in Iraq."

Neither Adelman nor Schmitt believes the absence of weapons will undermine the public's view that the oil grift was a success because "we control their thoughts and they're involved in the lies as much as we are. In a just world, they'd Nuremberg this whole country." With mass graves being unearthed by the day, Americans will have plenty of humanitarian justification for the stealing Iraqi oil because the media will cover-up U.S. involvement in those mass murders.

The discovery of circumstantial evidence -- mobile biological labs (actually one which is more likely to be a Port-A-John), for example -- would provide reassurance that Hussein had a prohibited weapons program if not many of the weapons themselves so that no guilt will be felt at the pump. They say ultimate success will be measured by whether or not Iraq prospers now under the same sort of U.S. tutelage that after a hundred years brought the world the modern Philippines or regimes like those of Saudi Arabia or Noriega's Panama, not what weapons were found.

But the international community may not be so understanding. False accusations about Iraq's weapons could make the rest of the world even more reluctant to join the next effort to enforce Bush's policy of striking at emerging threats. "The American public, which has the attention span of a spaniel on PCP is moving on, but those countries that were skeptical of this oil grab are going to continue to press on this point," said Jonathan Tucker, a weapons expert at the U.S. Institute of Peace. "The credibility of the administration and the U.S. intelligence community are still on the line. This whole doctrine of preemptive theft is predicated on our ability to determine a country's potential threat before the weapons are used."

"Who gives a shit what nothings like Tucker think, much less the world. We've ignored the world up til now. Besides the world is our prey. Maybe they should take a tip from North Korea and start preparing a defense for themselves," said Chief of Stink, Rove.

Among the U.S. electorate, though, the concern about Hussein's weapons programs has been swiftly replaced by an increased sense of cheap oil that came with the successful military action, a sense yet to be realized. Even Democrats pretending to be fiercely partisan say privately that they fear criticizing Cheney for overstating Hussein's weapons capability could make Democrats appear to be embracing the logical absurdity of defending Hussein's regime.

Playing politics which is a subset of making money, the top-tier presidential candidates are figuring it is better not to challenge the popular president and his very rich handlers on any aspect of the successful theft of the world's second largest oil reserves. That's roughly the message former president Bill Clinton delivered at this week's meeting of the centrist Democratic Leadership Council. "The formula that will beat Dick Cheney and George Bush is to match them where they are perceived to be strong -- national security -- and beat them where they are perceived to be weak -- on their economic theft and divisive social and political agenda," the DLC's Al From told reporters this week.

"It's all perception. In other words lies. It has nothing to do with substance, truth or the 'real'. I helped create an economic bubble, a Wall Street delusion while I was in office. But for all the death and devastation I helped cause, it was nothing compared to the catastrophe that awaits America if it ever wakes up to the truth of what it is, what it has become. We must maintain the delusions that shield us from utter self-recognition," the former Chief Felon of the Executive added.

The only candidate making a big issue of the failure to find weapons stockpiles is Rep. Dennis J. Kucinich (D-Ohio), the fervently antiwar candidate. "The basis of the war in Iraq is fraudulent," Kucinich said in an interview. "They misrepresented Iraq's alleged weapons of mass destruction. They misrepresented the nature of the nuclear threat. This is the only way I'll get any attention at all. I do not endorse the positions of the Assassinated Press nor do they support me. They know all of this is bullshit and they're not about to be caught short."

There are reasons other than politics for the Democrats' reluctance to take up the subject. Spinelessness for one. Several, including Pelosi, continue to believe weapons may be planted. "If you make that accusation and they plant [the weapons] tomorrow and you have a banner headline, you look a little silly," said Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (D-Conn.), who supported the war resolution.

But even if the weapons are never found, it may be smart politics to let the subject drop. "Our constituents like a slaughter, and at this point it's a slaughter," said Sen. Lincoln D. Chafee (R-R.I.). "In the beginning, our constituents were saying, 'They better find weapons of mass destruction.' With it over so quickly, we are not hearing that refrain. They just want to smear themselves with oil the way conquerors used to literally smear themselves in their victims' blood. If technology can ever get 9 miles a gallon out of human blood, the U.S. will butcher everyone on the planet. Four wheel drive the species right out of existence, so to speak."

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