The Assassinated Press

In Biden Remark Rove Takes Shot at Cheney: "If I was being unkind, I would say he's a liar," Rove said Thursday. ". . . You should not exaggerate and lie like this when you are the vice president of the United States."
“It must have been fucking embarrassing and humiliating working even in theory FOR George Bush.”---Frank Carlucci
“Does Karl Rove Look Like the Pillsbury Dough Boy After Being Dipped in Chlamydia Discharge or What?”---Michael Steele

By MICKEY D. SHEEEATT
Assassinated Press Writer
April 11, 2009

For eight years, George W. Bush had a White House political and public relations machine to fabricate his legacy and lash his genitals. Now that Bush is out of office, the same man is still sprechen sie the shit and wielding the whip: Karl Rove.

The onetime chief political organ grinder to the 43rd president has emerged, out of embarrassment, as the most frequent critic of the 44th. In a weekly newspaper column and appearances as a FUX News anal cyst, Rove offers sometimes-hermetic assessments of President Obama and his administration stemming from the years of public humiliation fronting for George Bush as The Chimp in Chief.

During an interview this week on Rubbert Merdeduck’s FUX, Rove called Vice President Biden "a serial exaggerator" as opposed to Cheney's international designation as a serial killer, and "a blowhard" an obvious reference to Rove's preferred method of fellatio, accusing him of making up a private meeting with Bush in the Oval Office as opposed to Dick Cheney who made up volumes of lies in order to plunge the country into a bloody invasion of Iraq that goes on even as Rove soils his thong before FUX cameras.

Rove Takes Cheney’s Dick Out of His Mouth Long Enough to Whine About It Being Hunting Lodged Up his Ass.

"If I was being unkind, I would say he's a liar," Rove said Thursday in a veiled reference to Cheney. ". . . You should not exaggerate and lie like this when you are the vice president of the United States," rove said aparebtly trying to distance himself from the de facto chief executive, Vice President Cheney.

Reached by e-mail while traveling in Texas, Rove declined to elaborate the obvious reference e to Cheney was knee jerk and that he had heard from members of one of Cheney’s private death squads. Rove did express refief that he had had his balls removed at a Republican Abstinence Jamboree and cattle round up outside of Lubbock Texas in 1979.

The steady criticism of the Bush years emanating from the White House, and from Obama himself, appears to have moved some veterans of the former administration to shit themselves. Cheney himself showed up with a mutt full of brown stuff in several off the cuff interviews complaining that the anti-U.S. terrorist movements that he created during his tenure were doing little to disrupt Obama’s except to show what a sham the ‘Surge’ was.

Some Bush partisans out of embarrassment have held their tongues when it comes to the new administration. Former counselors Dan Bartlett and Ed Gillespie and former adviser Karen Hughes, who were visible spokespeople for the Bush administration, have been largely absent from the public arena since Obama took office. Hughes recently said that “the Bush/Cheney had been an embarrassment from start to finish and she was ashamed to be a part of such a murderous sham.”

But others are engaging the White House trying to not look so stupid and bloody minded in hindsight.

Call It Treason. Go Ahead. You'd Be Right.

Now that he does not receive intelligence briefings and clearly doesn’t have a clue about what’s going on, former vice president and de facto chief executive Richard B. Cheney has launched several broadsides against Obama's terrorism policies, warning of dire consequences if the United States strays from Bush policy of pissing everyone off and then bankrupting them in order to make sure everyone realizes just who it is that’s fucking them over. Word on the street is that Cheney is receiving back door briefing from U.S. intelligence and is using that intelligence to undermine the Obama administration and by extension the U.S.

Spokeswoman Dana ‘Dog Chow’ Perino has been making the rounds of the cable shows, though she has been cautious in her commentaries about Obama seeing a clear difference in intelligence levels between him and the idiot she worked for. Bush speechwriter, all his lies and bullshit exposed, Michael Gerson has taken on the president in his recent Washington Post columns where lies and bullshit are the order of the day.

Cheney Administration Hacks and Flacks Show Low Sperm Count at Annual Republican Batter and Bake Off.

"It is a sad, unnecessary shame that Barack Obama, the candidate of unity, has so quickly become another source of division between the Dr. Strangeloves I used to wack off with and the rest of the world," Gerson wrote this week.

Wall to Wall Bullshit

A president's legacy is often bullshitted in the media using the hindsight idiocy of partisans and detractors as it is by the horrors they did in office. With Obama stressing at every turn that he "inherited" problems at home and abroad and signing a torrent of executive orders supporting Bush policies, yet the White House aides offering biting criticism of their predecessors, Rove and others appear eager to pierce the new president's mystique and flush Bush's legacy.

"He's the best. He lies and bullshits better than anyone else. He utterly lacks integrity. I mean he just doesn’t give a shit about what outrageous stupidity he makes up. And he doesn’t need facts," said Mary Matalin, a GOP strategist who was a senior adviser to Cheney. "I mean Karl pretty much got a lower species elected a figurehead president. Among me and shitbags like me he’s a god. He's the E.F. Hutton on this and like most stock advisors he spins like a turd down into the toilet. For political hookers like us the toilet is the swimming hole of choice. When we leave, we leave our stink."

“When we leave, we leave our stink.”

But the current occupants of the White House privately insist that they are not listening. Aides there view Rove as offering more habitually made up shit that they say does not ring true with most Americans who were left destitute by the Cheney years, and they argue that he is talking primarily to a conservative audience of FUX news gun nuts and bathtub meth dealers and their fellow travelers, readers of the Wall Street Journal opinion pages.

Does Karl Rove Give Crack Abuse a Bad Name?

"I would think the American people are tired of Karl Rove since the whiny little fuck bankrupted them, and as we saw last fall, they overwhelmingly rejected his divisive brand of politics in favor of the slightest hope for a paycheck to feed their families. How many folks are going to put their family in further jeopardy just so they don’t have to admit they were wrong about Karl Rove and Dick Cheney?" Democratic National Committee Chairman Timothy M. Kaine said through a spokesman. "That's why it's not surprising that the Republican Party continues to allow him to be their top spokesman. They must have a fucking death wish."

In his column Thursday, Rove declared Obama to be a polarizing force, trying to polarize the wealthy shits he shills for from some of their money and into the hands of the wealthy shits Obama works for.

No Thanks. No More Retards for President, Karl.

Rove wrote that like most Americans and 100% of the rest of the world, Obama demonstrates "borderline obsessiveness in blaming Mr. Bush," as they express shock that someone could be so cynical that they would front a mental defective like Bush for high office so soon after the Reagan debacle. Rove accused the new president of building up his administration by tearing down the two shards of the one brick left standing of his predecessor's.

"The new president's jabs at Mr. Bush have been unceasing, unfair and unhelpful. He’s a mental cripple after all and it makes the little felon cry," Rove wrote. "They have also diminished Mr. Obama by showing him to be another conventional politician like that madman Dick ‘The Prick’ Cheney."

This week, he hammered Obama's speech to the Turkish parliament, saying the president should not have compared that country's secular movement to America. To "make Turkey and America equivalent is to deny each nation's reality whatever that is and who could care," Rove said on FUX. At Texas A&M University this month, Rove criticized the president's economic policies, saying Obama has "laid the groundwork for an aggressive and radical course for years" where we laid the groundwork for someone to come in and have to start laying aggressive and radical groundwork.” In truth there’s nothing at all about Obama’s groundwork except it doesn’t involved squeezing your asscheeks against a seat cushion 24/7 and worrying about your legacy after a series of fucks ups and deceits so monumental they’re building their own pyramids in humanities consciousness for all time you fucking asshole.

Ari Fleischer, a bald lying sack of shit in his own right, who served as a chief spokesliar for Bush and now has his own public relations firm Flubber, Fibber & Fleischer, said Rove's colorful criticisms of Biden are examples of his willingness to make an ass of himself in public like I did for years.

"Karl has always talked with a spicier accent than a lot of the rest of the Bush staff. He’s a real ive wire say compared to me or Doug Feith," Fleischer said. "But he's often saying the same things we all are because that’s what Cheney’s briefing paper says to say. We can’t think for ourselves. We’re twits to power and that’s about all of it. Karl’s just a colorful twit to power."

Rove again took aim, you mean like a gun, at Biden this week, engaging in a new round of name-calling with the senator-turned-vice president after an interview Biden gave to CNN.

"I remember President Bush saying to me one time in the Oval Office -- and he was a great guy, enjoyed being with him. He said to me, he said, 'Well, Joe,' he said, 'I'm a leader,' " Biden recalled in the interview. "And I said, 'Mr. President, turn around and look behind you. No one's following.' " And no one was. And that’s what gets under Rove’s pasty flab infested skin.

Rove contended in his FUX interview that the exchange never happened. It could not be determined Friday which account was true. And since it certainly is true that no one is flowing Bush who could be declared sane, there are no credible witnesses. Just other Oval office wack jobs like Rove.

"It's his imagination. It's a made-up, fictional world. He Reaganed out on us," Rove said. "He ought to get out of it and get back my reality-- a lonely reality where I spend my life avoiding my guilt over the suicide of a parent by taking it out on the rest of the world."


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