The Assassinated Press

Mike Huckabee Releases 9/11 Cartoon For Kids, Critics Call Profits 'Blood Money.'
"If you ask me brother Huckabee's a fucking cartoon." --- God

By LIAN SHAM
The Assassinated Press
8/15/11

Mike Huckabee set pundits ablaze last week when his "Learn Our History: TimeCycle Academy" released an educational cartoon for kids about the 9/11 attacks, in time for its 10th anniversary.

Critics mostly aren't happy that the former governor of Arkansas is trying to profit from the deadliest Stateside attack, nor are they pleased that the cartoon associates terrorism to Islam.

Dozens of corprorations have profited off of 9/11 and tye subsequent lies and canards used ot invade Iraq. But this is the first time carton has been used to hustly money from an unsuspecting public.

And what’s more American that turning a profit. Americans may blither about so calledtort reform but the preponderance of the pupulationa are little more than rubbernecking ambulance chasers.

Turkey Hatchlings at Their Own Thanskgiving.

So the video targets children. What better way to show kids how to turn lemons into lemonade especially now that the simplest lemonade stand can result in health code violations and a few of dollars worth of fines. And you might get a few more de-regualtion whores in the bargain. Can’t start ‘em too young on the road to serfdom disguised as capitalism.

"You, probably like me, are frustrated that so many kids don't have a clue about the real American history available in cartoon form and how great an animated country we really have," Huckabee told The 700 Club's Pat Robertson last week.

And what better way to get history than through a cartoon.

Don't we all need to get a little history from cartoons like ?

Kids can get good ol’ conservative values from South Park.

And don’t Squidbillie’s Early Cuyler speak for all of us when it comes to fast women, liquor, DUI, gun control and homosexuality.

When I was kid I learned all about Italian Opera from Bugs Bunny cartoons. Before long I knew that Porky Pig’s answer to a quiz show question, Cavalleria rusticana, was just plain wrong.

Huckabee added that the video aims to show that "American history is very positive, that this is a good country so we have to lie – a lot." And what could be more positive than a cartoon version of the immolation of 3000 people. It sure as shit will keep them little ADD asshole kids glued to the screen.

Look what Disney did for England and the Arthurian Legend in Sword and the Stone; or early American history in Pocahontas; or the ante-bellum South with his classy Song of the South. Zippety-doo-da motherfucker.

A preview of the cartoon shows nearly two minutes of an animated retelling of 9/11 with patriotic maxims, dramatic music and strong portrayals of al Qaeda. At one point, an animated Osama bin Laden throws his hand in the air, proclaiming, "death to the Americans." Unforuantely, when I watched the video with a bunch of 10 year olds from Mrs. Bunripe’s second grade class at Betsy Ross Elementary School in Bald Knob, Arkanasas, the kids began chanting ‘Death to America’ and marching and stomping around the room. They them burned the American flag and an effigy of Mike Huckabee and held their teacher hostage until afternoon recess.

The full video costs $9.95 plus $200.00 shipping and handling, and comes with a money-back guarantee with four gifts. Huckabee co-founded Learn Our History, whose goal is "to make cartoon history fun for kids," according to the company website.

"This special introductory episode teaches your kids valuable concepts including helping others, being heroic, protecting America and standing up to evil!" so people like Karl Rove, Grover Norquist, Pat Robertson and Mike Huckabee won’t have to and the Koch brothers and Judge Scalia fuck over their daddy and mommy. The site also cites three satisfied customers:

"My daughter was just an infant when 9/11 happened, and it's always been hard for me to try and explain why we were attacked because I really have no idea. But this video really helped me to show her what Mike Huckabee thought happened and what Huckabee did or didn’t do about like pay medical costs and/or burial costs of first responders in a way she could understand. -- Robyn B., Ventura, CA. When she grows up I pray to god she’s not as dumb as her mama and can see what a piece of shit Mr. Huckabee is."

But others aren't so sure. MSNBC's Martin Bashir noted that retired New York City fire chief Jim Riches, whose firefighter son died on September 11, finds that "the September 11 profit motive is simply disgusting." "I'd like to see the kids from 9/11 whose fathers died go to college, not have to pay a nickel, let's educate them the right way, not for a person to take the money and put it in their pocket," Riches said. "I think that's blood money, it'll come back to haunt them someday."

Riches and MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell, among others, also argue that teaching about 9/11 as a historical event should be left to teachers and schools.

In response, Huckabee wrote an e-mail to supporters last week in a push for his video, urging them not to "let the liberal media tell you how to educate your kids. You already sit your kids down in front of the TV 14 hours a day. What harm is one more cartoon going to do?

Wile E. Coyote blows up his own ass, just the way you done with your own life by believing the next Acme product or Hucksterbee piece of shit video was going to 'educate' your children, or pay your mortgage or solve your marital problems.


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