The Assassinated Press

NSA Offers to Update Your Facebook Page for a Small Fee
New Service to Recoup Some of the Billions Spent on Domestic and Economic Espionage

By TED SHACKLEY & WALTER PINCUS
The Assassinated Press
7/11/13

Who knows better than you what you do every minute of every day? No, not god. No, not Santa Claus? No, not Anderson Cooper? Try again.

Thatís right the NSA! And the NSA knows better than pretty much anybody that youíre too much too busy to update your Facebook page much less defend your Fourth Amendment.

So let Facebook do the former and just forget about the latter. You didnít know there was anything called a Fourth Amendment until some lefty, pinko socialist mentioned it on John Stewart anyhow.

Have a nice chat with your next door neighbor over the back fence? Let the NSA link to the whole conversation through your Facebook page.

Visit your favorite kiddie porn site while the kids were at school and the wife at her motherís? Let The NSA connect you to likeminded perverts in your community via Facebook?

Naked teenage girls squirting your thing? Let the NSA put up a selection of your favorite candid shots.

Calls, emails twitters to your attorney, drug connect, accountant, bookie, parole officer, mistress, or just your babushka back in Chechnya, the NSA will link them all to your Facebook page and create photomontages, videos and unedited transcripts for family and friends and law enforcement who link your site.

The NSA will also provide thousands of key words like key lime pie, asphalt grumpies and blue stubble designed to throw local law enforcement off the scent for an extra charge.

Act Now and the NSA will sign you up for the Diane Feinstein/Orrin Hatch Blackmail Plan that will have you singing the praises of the NSA in no time flat.

Streaming videos of Congressional Hearings and Congressís backroom antics not your thing, then sign up for the NSA ĎYouíre on Candid Caní or ĎItís That Time of Monthí steady cam satellite video surveillance package, so your friends and family can see you at yout most vulnerable --- and lovable.

Always wanted to see your neighbor naked? Now, just sign him or her up or her up for the 24 hour surveillance plan and sit back and watch the NSA do its thing.

There isnít anything the NSA and their corporate handlers donít already know. So why fight it? Sign up today and expose yourself the NSA way.


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