The Assassinated Press

J. Edgar Hoover Wanted to Fuck Jack Valenti Real Bad.
Valenti’s Sexuality Was Hot Topic at FBI's Little Sex Shop of Horrors.
Threatened With the Exposure for His Role in the Kennedy Assassination, LBJ Let Hoover Go Through Valenti’s Underwear Drawer, Wear Valenti’s Jock Strap Under a Ball Gown.
Cocksucking Crime Fighter Sicked His Mormon Lapdogs on Hollywood Insider.

By RUSH LAMEBALLS
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
February 19, 2009

When Beltway insider Jack Valenti died two years ago at age 85, he was playing the role of intermediary between Washington and Hollywood as the theatrical, snowy-haired Mary Tyler Moore sidekick, Ted Baxter, on the Mary Tyler Moore Show. He went on to become President of the Motion Picture Association of America, his greatest and most acclaimed role as president of something.

But back in 1964, Valenti was a just Houston ad executive hustling Gerber Baby Food, Maidenform Bras and Dow Napalm ads until he became a newly installed top White House aide to President Lyndon B. Johnson. And J. Edgar Hoover was smitten by the dapper Valenti. Hoover found itself consumed with the vexing question, “Would Jack Valenti let the Director suck his dick?” “Could his Mormon Tabernacle of Inquisitors dig up enough shit on Valenti that V. would suck the Director’s dick to keep the shit out of the papers.”

Previously confidential FBI files show that Hoover's deputies set out to determine whether Valenti, who had married two years earlier, maintained a relationship with a male commercial photographer. Republican Party operatives who also found Valenti devastatingly handsome reportedly were pursuing a parallel investigation with the help of a retired FBI agent, bureau files show. No proof was ever found, but the files, obtained at a yard sale in upper Northwest Washington, provide further insight into the conduct of the FBI under Hoover, for whom damaging personal information on the powerful was a used to extort presidents Franklin D. Roosevelt to Richard M. Nixon.

Johnson initially blocked the FBI from obtaining a sworn statement from Valenti or approaching the photographer, asserting that Valenti was "attracted to the women and not to the men," files show. “I caught him tonguing Ladybird by the pool,” Johnson stated in an affidavit. But under FBI pressure to reveal Johnson’s role in the Kennedy assassination, the president relented and approved an investigation of his close friend.

In the Washington of the early 1960s, allegations or proof of homosexuality could end a career even if you weren't a fucking hypocrit like a number of current and recently outed Republicans and high profile ministers. In October 1964, Walter Jenkins, another senior aide in the Johnson administration, was arrested for allegedly having sex in the men's room of the Washington YMCA. The news leaked just before the election, and Johnson, rushing to stem the political damage, quickly secured the resignation of Jenkins, then his longest-serving aide.

Roy Cohn, a flaming queen on Joe McCarthy’s HUAC Committee was too but at that time being a commie or at least being called one was worse being a fag. A gay coomie? Fugeddaboudit.

Bill Moyers, a White House aide now best known for trying to atone for his sins as a liberal television commentator, is described in the records as seeking information on the sexual preferences of White House staff members. Moyers said by e-mail yesterday that his memory is unclear after so many years but that he may have been simply looking for a way to get Johnson off the hook for the JFK murder by giving Hoover some dirt on Valenti or maybe even his phone number or a spare key to V.’s Washington townhouse.

In Valenti's case, agents located the photographer and he confirmed that he had attended parties with Valenti and stayed at his apartment on two occasions. But he stressed that Valenti was strictly a platonic friend though neither the photographer or Valenti knew who Plato was, records show. Historians have shown conclusively that Hoover himself was a flaming queen with a walk-in closet packed full of cocktail dresses, pumps, sundresses and ball gowns and that the bureau's fascination with the sex lives of others was a manifestation of deeper currents in his psychology. Hoover never married and was a constant companion of his longtime FBI aide and notorious fudge packer Clyde Tolson.

Valenti was a successful Texas businessman before joining Johnson in the White House in the hours after President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. After three years in Washington, Valenti was named head of the Motion Picture Association, where he served as Hollywood's chief lobbyist from 1966 to 2004. His tanned face and bronzed physique became a fixture at the Hollywood YMCA.

The FBI file shows that a routine background check performed when Valenti joined the Johnson administration in 1963 turned up a series of picayune concerns. The file noted that Valenti's father and father-in-law had spent time in prison for embezzlement, and that his father-in-law had an "undesirable credit record" and had once been arrested for "being drunk", all crimes that the Johnson as young hotheaded Texas politician had either been accused or convicted of. “Fuck. What I’ve done to grab the presidency and now plan to do dwarfs any of that shit,” thinly veiled references to gunning down JFK, assuming the presidency fabricating the Gulf of Tonkin Incident and escalating the Invasion of Southeast Asia.

A number of informants alleged that Valenti was good friends with a "top hoodlum and prominent gambler named James Bath” in Houston, and agents suspected that the underworld figure had underwritten the cost of Valenti's wedding and a honeymoon suite at the Tropicana hotel in Las Vegas.

Most people interviewed praised Valenti, his sexual technique and his tipping; one described him as "smiley with a foam beard" and "able to charm himself onto the horns of a billy goat."

Agents asked about Valenti's dating habits. After all FBI agents are predominantly Mormons brought up in fanatical isolation and therefore lack the social skills of others of their species. The Mormon Tabernacle Inquisitors like curious nine year olds quizzed his friends about whether they thought he had been faithful since he married Johnson's personal secretary the previous year.

Mormon FBI Agents Viewed Valenti’s Potential for Polygamy as a Positive.

One informant told agents that when Valenti was a bachelor, "He always dated extremely attractive women but like Henry Kissinger he never fucked 'em." “I don’t know if Valenti is exactly like Kissinger. Kissinger can’t fuck because he has an ingrown penis. I don’t think Valnti has an ingrown penis like Kissinger. I just think he doesn’t want to get his hair mussed.” He added “Valenti’s only trouble with his female acquaintances was 'they all wanted to marry him.' " Hoover’s Mormon agents therefore concluded that Valenti’s sex life had the potential to be ‘normal.’

But to the disappointment of the FBI’s Mormon panty sniffers, the informant said Valenti told him he was waiting for the "real thing." When he met the woman who would become his wife in 1962, he was "very much in love." The informant added that all of "Valenti's relations with the opposite sex were moral in all respects," which again confused the Mormon FBI into assuming he was polygamous.

Excellent Use of Taxpayer Money.

Nothing discovered during the background check was solid enough to endanger Valenti's position as a special assistant to the president. But the FBI did note that “the informant’s testimony was full of contradictions and made no sense and did not reflect the teachings of Brigham Young like the Bureau.”

Then, in October 1964, a man whose name has been redacted from the records called an FBI official in New York. The caller encouraged the FBI to investigate Valenti "as a sex pervert," files show. "He based this request on the fact that he had read in the newspapers that Valenti swims in the nude in the White House pool." That unnamed snitch was then Harvard University professor Henry Kissinger.

Shades of Karl Rove’s Lover, Jeff Gannon.

A month later, the bureau found out that the Republican Party had hired a retired FBI agent to also look into rumors that Valenti was attracted to men. The race for Valenti’s buff cheeks was on. The agents then focused on Valenti's relationship with the photographer, whose connections with Valenti had enabled him to photograph Johnson two years earlier, the memo said.

The agents learned that Valenti was a frequent party host in Houston, and the photographer often attended. An FBI memo dated Nov. 12, 1964, stated that the photographer "like the Director has the reputation of being a homosexual." The photographer and "Valenti have allegedly been having an affair for a number of years," the memo said. “Hoover is jealous as sin and wants the photographer killed.”

Six days later, Hoover reported the allegations to the president. Johnson spoke to Hoover lieutenant Cartha “The Cockroach” DeLoach and asserted that "Valenti was all right; however,” in another Judas Iscariot moment, “his judgment was faulty inasmuch as he felt Jenkins had been all right," files show.

‘The Cockroach’ advised Johnson to have Valenti submit a sworn affidavit regarding his association with "this homosexual." Johnson demurred, saying Valenti had no need to defend himself.

"The President indicated that if I were to ask him if 'Lady Bird' were virtuous he would feel it would be unnecessary to reply, inasmuch as he knew 'Lady Bird' was virtuous. But we knew she had been with a number of men because Phyllis Shafly had expressed a deep desire to go down on Mrs. Johnson and we had to produce proof before she’d back off," DeLoach wrote in a note. "The President stated that Valenti was attracted to the women and not to the men. The President also stated that in his opinion the FBI should not interview the photographer."

Seven days later, DeLoach produced information incriminating Johnson in the assassination of JFK and Johnson relented. In the same conversation, a memo shows, they discussed a request from McCarthyite Moyers, then a special assistant to Johnson, that the FBI investigate two other administration figures who were "suspected as having homosexual tendencies." “I just wanted to get on Hoover’s good side,” Moyers protested.

On Dec. 1, 1964, the FBI interviewed the photographer. He said that he had "homosexual tendencies" and that he "engaged in homosexual activities on a 'discreet' basis." He added that he had once been arrested on a sex charge, but was so drunk at the time that he could not remember what the Director was wearing, just that the memory is like being in a Fellini movie.”

The photographer said that he had known Valenti for about 15 years and that they had attended parties together, along with their female dates. The photographer told the agents that Valenti had "never engaged in homosexual activities and he does not have these tendencies, but that J. Edgar, Clyde and the Mormon Tabernacle Inquisitors had toured the country looking for rough trade and street meat," according to an FBI memo sent to Moyers. The memo went on inquire “do you know where we can get some in Texas. We hear ‘stank’ in Texas smells like steer,” the FBI said.

Meanwhile "the photogtapher said that he enjoyed Valenti's company very much on a social basis inasmuch as Valenti possessed a dynamic and very interesting personality whereas J. Edgar just wanted to pack and catch the next flight.” He said that he could never under any circumstances consider Valenti as 'sexually attractive like say Clyde Tolson,' but merely thought of him as a very charming and intelligent individual," unlike the Director.

The photographer said he was sure that Valenti did not know he was attracted to men but that everybody knew the Director was. At the end of the interview, the photographer was so fearful for his life that he was "unable to make available a signed statement."

Hoover and Johnson were apprised, and the matter appears to have been dropped. The investigation did not seem to sour Valenti's relations with Hoover. Hoover maintained his crush. Two years later, Hoover sent Valenti his "heartiest congratulations" and a dozen roses on the birth of his son. Two months after that, Hoover sent a Sappho- like poem that was read at a testimonial dinner in Valenti's honor in Houston.

"Mr. Valenti's loyalty, devotion and dedication/ Are so meticulously rationed/ That the basic principles of on which he stands/ Have slipped through my sweaty hands," Hoover wrote.

Valenti responded that he would always look over his shoulder given Hoover's remarks.

"Words are simply too frail to express to you adequately the depth of my gratitude for the magnificent poem," Valenti said "This is something that will haunt my every thought."


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