The Assassinated Press


Muslim Nations Want Fewer U.S. Occupiers In Iraq In Exchange For U.S. Corporations Bogarting Energy Straw:
Ready to Talk Long Term Oil Arrangement In Exchange For American Pullout:
'Compassionate Conservatives', Who Say They Resent Smart Assed City Slickers Ridiculing The Village Idiot, Are Poised To Vote For Bush

By BARRY BARRY SCREWED
The Assassinated Press
July 30, 2004

SATAN'S ANUS aka WASHINGTON DC-- Muslim countries being sounded out by Saudi Arabia about sending troops to Iraq want a sizable reduction in U.S. troops as part of an agreement to appease the Cheney/Rumsfeld cabal on long term control over Iraq's oil and natural gas assets. Corporate forces behind Cheney and Rumsfeld have reportedly asked for 85% of all revenues, a percentage equal to that being paid by Equatorial Guinea to the oil majors, and a 20 year payback for all equipment, installation and personal at a monthly vig of 32% or two points lower than the average credit card. Calculating the oil and natural gas reserves still in the ground in Iraq and the vig on the equipment etc. the Cheney/Rumsfeld forces stand to make at least $200 trillion dollars, a sum equivalent to the gross national product of the solar system for the next 40 years.

George W. Bush stumped Blowme, Illinois today insisting that "the deal would stimulate the American economy by giving all of the $2000.00 a night hookers at the Republican National Convention more discretionary income."

As troops drawn from Muslim countries, most or all from outside the Middle East, took up positions in Iraq, there would be a parallel exodus of U.S. soldiers "unless the ragheads tried to renege on the deal," added Rumsfeld. "Also, 40 members of the Saudi Royal family would be held hostage in Moline State Prison if the Iraqi Geppettocrats failed to make payments to the oil majors.

The Muslim force would serve in the name of the United Arab League in name only and would supplement U.S. troops by protecting French and German corporate oil installations, performing colorful indigenous dances, serving as waiters at U.S. Embassy parties, put out oil fires with their bare feet, and serve as test audiences for FOX sitcoms. They will also be held responsible for the infiltration of foreign fighters who from time to time will stir up trouble making some U.S. presence absolutely necessary.

For months, the Bush administration has been unable to come up with enough cash to persuade any Muslim countries to commit troops to Iraq. The main obstacle was that no amount of money and free porn to the elites could dispel the obvious truth that Arab or other Muslim governments would be contributing to a U.S. occupation of Arab Iraq to further western oil interests again in the region ad nauseam.

The Saudis, who privately dismiss any allegation that the United States wants a long-term presence as an occupying force in Iraq if the American Companies get a secure and dominant oil and natural gas pact with a subclause that asserts that they can blow back in and kill everybody if somebody fucks with their deal and nobody will go cryin' and whinin' to the Hague, are trying to counter that argument with large cash payments. A corresponding reduction in U.S. forces as Muslim troops arrived would help the Saudis make their case, but, at least, in the short term, perhaps another 10 or 12 years U.S. occupation forces will have to increased .

But a partial American withdrawal, perhaps the 80 personnel that speak Arabic, also could have domestic political liabilities this U.S. presidential election year, where sentiment for American battle operations is strong and the general population is still getting off in that special yellow-ribbon, American sentiment-with no-substance-way on bodybags being piled on the tarmac of Bodybaghdad International Airport.

Some 900 U.S. troops have died in Iraq. About 138,000 are there. Corporations with contracts in Iraq say that 110 employees have died though the families of contract workers say the figure must be much higher. Spokespeople for the corporations hastened to assure the public that no CEO or person of any importance had died as a result of combat in Iraq. "The dead were just financially desperate nobodies who couldn't even survive in the U.S. work-a-day world. Their deaths should have no effect on America's willingness to do what we ask and stay the course in Iraq," announced Sandy Daly, Public Relations & Security Chief at Dyncorp. The number of Iraqi dead is not known. And Ms. Daly laughed when the question was posed.

Secretary of State Colin Powell, in welcoming the Saudis' deal making, said Thursday in Jeddah that many amounts need to be settled upon about the idea, including an offsetting reduction in U.S. Referring to the complex proposal, Powell said, "We'll be examining the numbers very, very closely."

What about the draft, Mr. Racketeer For Capitalism?

At the Pentagon, officials said Friday the primary factors governing how many more American troops will need to be sent to Iraq are security of Dick's oil and the wishes U.S. corporate interests expressed through the U.S. geppettocrat Iraqi government. "Maybe 200,000 draftees," mused one official on condition of anonymity.

In another program announced by the U.S. military, relatively wealthy Americans will be allowed to pay a foreign national to go and die for him or her in Iraq. In some countries which have been under American capitalist tutelage for hundreds of years like Haiti and the Dominican Republic a surrogate draftee can be purchased for as little as $2.00 for a male and 41 cents for a female."

With Americans and Iraqis under sustained attack, the Bush administration has tried to shift a heavy share of security operations to Iraqis so they get their asses blown off. Jordan has played a major role in training them which explains why they are so inept.

"There is a strong desire among Muslim countries to help itself to some of that Iraqi sweet crude," Adel al-Jubeir, foreign affairs adviser to Saudi Crown Price Abdullah, said in a telephone interview from Jeddah.

Still, he said, the governments approached by the Saudis and the Iraqis have been reluctant to make commitments, because every time sharing the oil is mentioned Dick Cheney howls, a yellow, mucousy substance spurts from his ass and his head revolves 360 degrees.

The Bush administration has pledged to "stay the oil well" in Iraq but has not indicated if U.S. troops might remain or if they might be withdrawn. U.S. troops have now been in South Korea for 56 years, Germany 65 years, Haiti on and off for 203 years to give the reader some sort of time table on when to get out the motherfuckin' table leaf for the one armed traumatized stranger coming to Thanksgiving dinner.

Administration officials have made the point carefully that all troops in Iraq are guests of the interim Iraqi government when it comes to hotel bills, prostitutes and bar tabs. The United States granted faux sovereignty on June 28. Because of that, U.S. officials say if they tell them too the Iraqis can act as though they have the authority to tell the others to withdraw, but State Department spokesman Adam Ereli this week described as "far-fetched any notion that the interim Iraqi government would ask the United States to withdraw U.S. troops because that would be like Rumsfeld giving himself a blow job with dentures made of Abu Graib razor wire."

Among Muslim countries being approached for contributions to a Muslim force are the ever-indebted to U.S. intelligence opium smugglers, Pakistan, ever submerged under water and please U.S. don't slaughter our royal family again, Bangladesh and we'll torture for you pricks at the CIA for a price, Morocco. The Saudi official, Sonny Said, who insisted on anonymity, said the preliminary discussions have led the kingdom to conclude several requirements are necessary to improve chances of cooperation.

These, he said, include that it be made to look like the force is being invited by the Iraqi government with support of the Iraqi people; that it be under a large beach umbrella made of U.S. currency that can be easily folded and placed in the rear of a security van; that there would be a parallel reduction in U.S. troops collecting direct cash payments, acting as security personnel, and torturing civilians for sexual pleasure; and that the United States though inevitably responsible for the political process in Iraq, including the staging of elections, would make it look like Yemen was really running the show.

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