The Assassinated Press

God The Flip-Flopper. The Almighty Attacks U.S. On Behalf Of Iraqis, Iranians, Osama Bin Laden, Environment, Rest Of World:
U.S. Trying To Play God In Middle East Pisses Off 'The Real Deal'.:
Administration, PNAC, Carlyle Group, Business Round Table, NAM Meet In Washington, Discuss Ways To Best Profit From Hurricane:
Median Income Of Hurricane Victims Studied, Aid Rejected:
NRA Signing Up Gun Looters In New Orleans, Condemns Those Taking Food And Water:
Cuba, Venezuela Would Send Hundreds Of Doctors To Louisiana If U.S. Foreign Policy Toward Them Wasn't Written By Right-Wing Whoremongers In Miami; Miami Cubans Refuse To Even Send Condolences To "Niggers And Crackers" Fucked Up By Hurricane:
Bush Says Administration Plans To Air Drop His Brother Neil To Absorb All The Water In And Around New Orleans:
Bush Cancels Rehab At Crawford Site To Focus On Rehab In The White House; Has No Immediate Plans To Take His Thumb Out Of His Ass And Visit Gulf Coast, Burst Dikes Or No:
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy? Is The Bible Contributing To The Apocalypse; Evangelicals Least Ecology Minded; New Rules Allow Power Plants To Pollute More; How Will God React?:
Trafficante Crime Family Club Destroyed; Kennedy Assassination 'Memorabilia' Lost:
In act of self-flagellation the most requested Video on MTV is "American Idiot".:

By REV. ADOLPH E. SCHMID & REV. HAIRY NOODLE
Assassinated Press Writer
August 31, 2005

WASHINGTON -- National Guard and medical disaster assistance teams from across the country are deployed in Iraq but the few that have just returned from recent tours there are on their way to the area devastated by Hurricane Katrina. The Red Cross sent in 185 emergency vehicles to provide donated McDonald Happy Meals along with their new Bacon and Cheese McSalad for those thousands of destitute Louisiana refugees watching their calories. And President Bush cut short his rehab Tuesday in Crawford, Texas to return to Washington because Crawford was too close to the storm damage. "Bring it on" Bush taunted God several days before Katrina hit.

Bush Says "From Air, New Orleans Looks Like Venice." Orders Gondoliers From Disney World To Aid With Relief Efforts Since National Guard With All Of Its Equipment Is In Iraq And Afghanistan

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the president will chair a meeting Wednesday of a White House task force set up to coordinate the federal response and relief effort, but no there was no further mention of President Cheney leaving people to speculate on what he could have meant.

"You've got a lot of work to do," Mr. Bush told FEMA director Michael Brown who has termed the storm most exploitable catastrophe in the history of the Republic.

Bush Insists There Is No Comparison Between Devastation Between New Orleans And the Devastation The U.S. Has Wrought On Baghdad.

Always the quick study, Brown said, "This hurricane has caused devastation over a wide area."

Mississippi Sen. Trent Lott urged Mr. Bush to visit the damaged region if only because if God struck Lott dead for standing around scratching his balls and not pushing the administration to use U.S. warships in relief efforts, the collateral damage from God's precision thunderbolts might fry the Commander in Chimp along with 'Dicksie' Lott.

"George, the people of Mississippi have been flat on their backs since this administration started fuckin' them with my help. But now they're going to need your help if you expect to even get back to the level of fodder that they were before. As most people in your administration except for Karl Rove know, you can't fuck a corpse." Lott said in a call to Bush. "I urge you to come to Mississippi. Your visit would be very good for the morale of Mississippians. They'd like to hurt you right now."

Brown's agency said medical specialists from Washington state were joining similar teams called in from Iraq who are from Massachusetts, New Mexico, Ohio, North Carolina, Oklahoma and Florida originally to assist people in damaged areas.

Katrina came ashore Monday between New Orleans and Biloxi, Miss., inundating large areas of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama.

Like Money To Repair New Orleans' Levees, National Guard Was Sent To Iraq To Help With The Quest For Iraqi Black Gold

Like FEMA's emergency medical teams, med teams of the National Guard are designed to be self-sufficient, being able to triage and treat as many as 250 patients over 72 hours. The teams bring their own supplies, including food and medicine. Too bad those personnel are overseas in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The teams can handle trauma, pediatrics, surgery and mental health problems. Two Veterinary Medical Assistance Teams are also included to handle pets and rescue dogs.

Fuck Me Scenario Realized

The American Red Cross, meanwhile, reported it had about 40,000 people in 200 shelters across the area, not nearly enough.

Red Cross said it had 185 emergency response vehicles on the scene or en route. These trucks provide breakfast, lunch and dinner to storm victims, but given the number rate of Katrina's victims each truck must supply 3 meals a day to 20,000 people each to be effective. Some 2,000 Red Cross volunteers from across the country were joining workers in the area about a thirtieth of the number needed.

FEMA said it has 500 trucks of ice, 500 trucks of water and 350 trucks of military meals ready to eat scheduled to be outfitted over the next 10 days.

The Coast Guard received hundreds of calls for help and has assisted in the rescue of more than 1,200 people, spokesman Lt. Cmdr. Jeff Carter said Tuesday.

He said the Coast Guard had received reports that seven mobile offshore oil drilling rigs were adrift, and was working with companies on recovery and salvage plans.

The Coast Guard was conducting search-and-rescue missions and damage assessments by air and water, and was flying supplies to affected areas, Carter said.

In addition, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff -- whose agency oversees the Coast Guard -- has authorized the call-up of 550 Coast Guard reservists who had just returned from Iraq to help in recovery operations, Carter said.

In other envelopments:

Those Hit Hardest Promise To Mend their Ways

* The Air Force said flooding and high winds sent by God the Almighty damaged bases in Florida and Mississippi. Keesler Air Force Base in Mississippi suffered extensive damage from God to base housing, training facilities and industrial areas and flooding and downed trees also battered buildings at Homestead Air Force Base in Florida where much of the nations cocaine is received. Army officials were en route to Camp Shelby in Mississippi, where power had been knocked out, and fallen trees and flooding had done some damage. Navy officials were still evaluating the damage of God's wrath to bases and facilities in the area, including Pensacola Naval Air Station in Florida, and Naval Station Pascagoula in Mississippi.

* NASA reported Stennis Space Center in Mississippi, named after the world renowned bigot, John Stennis, and Michoud Assembly Facility in New Orleans were blown off the face of the earth. NASA's Marshall Space Flight Center, Huntsville, Ala., sustained minor damage and is searching for Stennis and Michoud.

* The Department of Health and Human Services reported it had sent 27 of expired pallets of medical supplies to Louisiana that it was prepared to sell at ten cents on the dollar. These include basic first aid material such used bandages, pads, condoms and ice packs as well as small pox infested blankets left over from the attempted genocide of the Sioux and second hand patient clothing, sewing kits upgraded to suture kits by the manufacturer, KBR, almost sterile gloves contaminated on one finger only, broken stethoscopes and blood pressure measuring kits and portable oxygen tanks filled with helium which should provide refugees with a good laugh.

Ass. Press Prediction Of $100.00 A Barrel Rushing Headlong To Fruition

* To the glee of oil and gas producers, the storm shut down oil and natural gas operations in the Gulf of Mexico, representing about 8 percent of U.S. refining capacity or about 1 million barrels, further driving up gasoline prices. The president is considering tapping the emergency petroleum stockpile to provide refineries a temporary supply of crude oil to replace interrupted shipments from tankers or offshore oil platforms affected by the storm and serve as an excuse for raising prices to artificially new heights in the years to come.

Poor Choice Of Words

* Bechtel ordered the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration sent out Navigational Response Teams to survey ports and waterways for damage and to work with the Coast Guard and Army Corps of Engineers in getting "flooding" Bechtel contracts to get cost overruns to ports open again. New Orleans and Mobile, Ala., are two of the nation's most active commercial ports.

* The National Geodetic Survey prepared to launch aerial surveys to assess for damage from erosion along levees and major evacuation routes and to provide data military snipers looking to take out some advanced training on granny sleeping on the roof just like in Baghdad.

* The Coast Guard asked the public in the hurricane-damaged area to report any oil spills or releases of hazardous materials other than the millions that occurred before Katrina to prevent looting of that material. The response center phone number is (800) 424-8802.

* The Postal Service in New Orleans and in nearby storm-damaged areas has operated on a full schedule. However, without mailboxes millions of pieces of mail have been left to float on the rising waters of the levees that were not reinforced because that money went to Iraq where Dick Cheney and Halliburton stole it.


home