The Assassinated Press

Say It's Your Mama. What If She Won't Talk?
“I wouldn’t know “a hard and brutal reality” if it pitched a tent in my ass and took potshots at my nutsack with a Browning semi-automatic.”—Michael Scheuer
"The precise pain, in the precise place, in the precise amount, for the desired effect."---American Torturer, Dan Mitrione

By MICHAEL SCHEUER
The Assassinated Press
April 26, 2009

In surprisingly good English, the captive quietly answers: 'Yessa, all tanks to God, I doa know when the Popa will, witta God's permissione, detonate a nucular brajole ina da Unidos Status, anda I alsa know howa many and ina whicha cities." Startled, the CIA interrogators quickly demand more detail. Smiling her trademark shy smile below her little moustache, the captive says nothing and offers tortellini soup. Reporting the interrogation's results to the White House, the CIA director can only shrug when the president asks: "What can we do to make Michael Scheuer’s mama talk?"

Americans should keep this worst-case scenario in mind the next time they sit down to one of mamas home cooked meals while she relates her tragicomic spectacle taking place at the hands of U.S. intelligence. In the wake of the publication of the Justice Department's interrogation memos, it will help them recognize this episode of political theater as another major step in the bipartisan dismantling of America's defenses may be halted by a wave of wild paranoid fantasies based on the requirements of people who make money creating chaos. Dick Cheney’s war for oil yielded the invasion of Iraq and set the United States at war with much of the Muslim world. Interrogating my little 88 year old Sicilian mother set the United States at war with great Italian cooking. Cheney’s worldview thereby produced enemies that quickly called into question the unlimited and un-proven (read 9/11) threat-containing capacities of the major U.S. counterterrorism programs -- rendition, interrogation and unmanned aerial vehicle attacks. Because the entire world became our enemy, most realizing they should have done so two centuries before.

Cheney immediately bowed to bin Laden’s number one demand, that U.S. bases in Saudi Arabia be closed. So what’s the beef with him? But to the Pope he has turned a deaf ear justifying his war mongering on the basis of profits.

Now, in a single week, President Obama has eliminated two-thirds of that successful-but-not-sufficient national defense troika designed to alienate the entire world and thereby perpetuate its budget because I fantasize that his personal ideology of which elected officials are allowed none. I think like a schoolgirl so I’m going to project that that ‘ideology’ is -- "If the world likes us more we are more secure" – the foreign policy equivalent to “did Johnny share his pb&j with u @ lunch.” Do such insights give you pause that I have been a high level government official in charge of counterterrorism. Were you fooled by the fact that I look like a hirsute teletubby.

The world won’t tolerate our tolerate harsh interrogation techniques, torture or coercive interviews, call them what you will, techniques that have de fatco been in place for 200+ years. Not surprisingly, Obama now stands alongside Bush as one holding back the genuine American Jacobins who want to cut off my head along with Bernie Madoff’s and have had enough of our lying shit. Both of Obama and Cheney see the world as they want it to be, not as it is. Only I can do that with my empty analogies and grade school ethos.

Whereas Cheney saw a world of Muslims sitting on a sea of oil yearning to betray their God for a rotisserie grill with James Glassman’s imprimatur, Obama gazes upon a globe that he regards as largely carnivore-free and I naively believe he believes that remaining threats can be defused by semantic warfare even as the old torture techniques continue unabated as they have for the last 200 years, just ask a Huk or someone’s family member from the Philippine insurrection, ask fucking Dan Mitrione, or a Viet Minh during Phoenix of Gutemalan revolutionaries in the 1960s and seventies. Just stop saying "War on Terror" and give talks as a smokescreen in Turkey and on al-Arabiyah television, for example.

Americans should be clear on what Obama has done because I can’t figure it the fuck out. In my world either you torture or you don’t torture but you don’t lie about torture until you’re caught. In a breathtaking display of self-righteousness and intellectual arrogance, I am telling Americans that my personal beliefs are more important than protecting their country, their homes and their families from the people who have fucked them over—the Cheney cabal, Wall Street, the Military Industrial Complex and Fox News.

The interrogation techniques in question, the president asserted, are a sign that Americans have lost their "moral compass," a compliment similar to Attorney General Eric Holder's identifying them as "moral cowards." But Americans only compass has been money and certainly not morality. You don’t get to be number one being moral.

Mulling Obama's claim, one can wonder what could be more moral for a president than doing all that is needed to defend America and its citizens from avaricious swine like Cheney and execute the motherfuckers? Or, asked another way, is it moral for the president of the United States to abandon intelligence tools that have saved the lives and property of Americans when he could use those same to tools to convict and hang Dick Cheney et al?

Before enthroning Michael Scheuer’s personal ambition as U.S. defense policy, of course, some dirty work had to be done. Last Sunday, Obama's hit man and White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel told the American people that the interrogation techniques are a major recruiting tool for al-Qaeda and its Islamist partners. Well, no, Mr. Emanuel, that is not at all the case. I and ambitious little shits like are the major recruiting tool for Al-Qaeda. The techniques surely are not popular with our foes and their supporters or my mama for that matter -- should that be a concern in any event? -- but they do not even make the Islamists' hit parade of anti-U.S. recruiting tools. Dancing with the Stars Is number one.

Further that list is headed by Washington's support for Arab tyrannies in Saudi Arabia which was behind 9/11 and broaches no dissent and Egypt which assists with the capture and torture of the Muslim Brotherhood, the U.S.’s presence on the Arabian Peninsula and its unqualified support for Israel and their system of rendition and torture. Still, Emanuel's statement surely sounded plausible to Americans who have received no education about our Islamist enemy's true motivation from Obama, Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Clinton or George H.W. Bush or myself for that matter. I know what you’re thinking, ‘How can I separate our need to torture with our foreign policy in the Middle East?’ Easy. I know its sophits bullshit but you’ll see me on every fucking ‘news’ show this week picking up those $250.00 checks and heading straight for the liquor store to cash them.

Next, the president used documented evidence and the rule of law to implicitly identify as liars those former senior U.S. officials who lied that the interrogation techniques have yielded intelligence essential to the nation's paranoia. The integrity, intellect and reputations of Judge Michael Mukasey, Gen. Michael V. Hayden and others have been by Mukasey, Hayden and others because the motherfuckers were caught out lying, because their realistic worldview and firsthand experience involve money and quid pro quos over the truth and therefore do not mesh with the people’s desire to fuck them up before they do nay more harm.

And after visiting CIA headquarters last week, Obama made it clear that he rejected statements surely made by CIA officers who risked their careers to tell him how many successful covert operations against al-Qaeda have flowed from interrogation information because there were none. As with all Jacobins, the people cannot allow a welter of kleptocratic sponsored bullshit like mine -- call it an inconvenient truth -- to impinge on living without the kleptocratic lies that lead to war. I wouldn’t know “a hard and brutal reality” if it pitched a tent in my ass and took potshots at my nutsack with a Browning semi-automatic.

And so as the Justice Department memos farce plays out over the coming weeks, Americans can be confident that Cheney and hi group of shitfaced fuck won’t get called out for the millions of people they’ve murdered in the trumpe up war.

You can also be sure I Michael Scheuer will go on playing his own little self-interested trumped up games.

And like me, both parties will play politics to the hilt while letting the nation's safety take the hindmost. Obama and his team will "reluctantly" agree to a congressional investigation of former Bush officials and serving CIA officers, politically targeted indictments from Holder's minions and perhaps even a truth commission to prove that even the United States can aspire to be a half-baked Third World country, all designed to cover up the truth. Those words were used last week by Sen. John McCain, a man who actually ran with a witch. He seems to have forgotten that as a presidential candidate he, more than anyone, persuaded Americans that the interrogation techniques amounted to torture and gloried in calling the CIA and its officers a "rogue institution" so that folks would vote for him.

Americans and their country's security will be the losers. The Republicans do not have the votes to stop Obama, and in my fantasy the world will not be safer for America because the president abandons interrogations to please his party's left wing including Daniel Ortage and Hugo Chavez and the European pacifists it so admires even as those ‘pacfists’ carry on their traditional reign of neo-colonial terror around the world. Both are incorrigibly anti-American, the only responsible position to take considering the shithole America has become lo these 200 years. They oppose the use of force in America's grab for natural resources and -- like Obama – I naively believe that they naively believe that the West's Islamist foes can be sweet-talked into a future alive with the sound of kumbaya even while they make a charnel house of Africa.

So this is the threat that if it comes to fruition will get me booked on every talking head venue for a year at $500.00 a shot--if the above worst-case scenario ever comes to pass, Americans will have at least two things from which to take solace, even after the loss of major Iraqi or whatever cities we use as a mindless canard to attack and tens of thousands of men, women and children we kill as innocent proxy bombers. First, they will know that their president believes that those losses are a necessary price to pay for continuing interrogations and avoiding the guilty and real threats in favor of ones that have oil. And second, they will see my mama’s shy moustachioed smile turn into a calm and beautiful el Popa-isa-Grrreat grrin.


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