The Assassinated Press

The City of Detroit To Be Re-Chartered as a Bank Qualifying for an Immediate Bailout and Fed Money at 0% Interest
"First Public Employees Pay Into Their Pension Fund Which Is Then Invested On Wall Street In the Form of Bonds Where Their Value Is Destroyed By Wall Street Bankers and Brokerages, So When the Time Comes to Pay Off On the Pensions There’s No Money, So the City Declares Bankruptcy, Sells Off All of Its Assets For Pennies On the Dollar To the Very Wall Street Thugs That Robbed the Pensions In the First Place." SWEET!
Obama, Cheney, Bill Clinton, Alan Greenspan, Bernie Madoff, Larry Summers, Tim Geitner endorse the Plan
Bondholders and CEOs Will Be Paid With Interest; Cuts Still Inevitable for Public Service Workers

By ROBERT RUBINS
The Assassinated Press
7/23/13

Detroit Emergency Manager Kevyn Orr is being hailed as a genius by free market economists of every stripe for his 11:00 hour plan to save the city of Detroit from bankruptcy. From the pinstripes of Wall Street to the prison stripes that adorn Bernie Madofff’s new line of formal wear, the financial community is wetting itself over an ingenious plan by a young attorney who until 2:00PM was considered just another stooge for the kleptocracy.

“Shit. It came to me while I was taking an enormous dump at city expense. Why not simply charter Detroit as a bank,” Orr told the Assassinated Press. It’s a fucking city with billions of dollars in assets. It surely would be declared too big to fail by people who wanted to get their hands on those assets.”

So pony up a public bailout and start issuing special Detroit Derivatives made up of algorithms so complex that when the mathematicians pull them from their asses they immediately wrap around the public’s throats like debt ridden anacondas.

“Fuck just think of the toilet paper we can issue as stock through the Bank of Detroit,” Jamie Dimon mused as he put up his dukes and gave his best pussy stare. “This Orr,fella. I here he’s a darky. I gotta admit Obama, Holder, this Orr boy. The darkies dome alright by us.”

Ayn Rand's Cunt. Freddy Hayek's Prick.

Alan Greenspan went before the cameras to vigorously support the plan. “When I was a young man Ayn Rand sucked my short sale until it was purple. I consider this the greatest moment of my life and vowed to live up to that schmekel zogyn. I haven’t washed my kishke since. What? I’m old. I don’t know nothin’ from nothin’. Detroit. What? Hank Greenberg at it again? That boy should play on Shabbat and hit a 100 home runs and show them goyim and schwarzes whose got the big bat. Bail out? Bail out what? We onna boat?”

Other kleptcrats prefer the bankruptcy route and not only because they’ve been behind it for years. Politicians have been assets to the wealthy ad infinitum. But now literally every public asset in the Detroit will be up for sale.

Bill Gates has his eye on the Howdy Doody puppet. “They used to call me Howdy Doody I High School. But then I stole everybody else’s software, so now they call me Pinocchio because I lie about it before Congressional committees and judges.”

The Koch brothers are interested in purchasing much of the Detroit Institute of Arts holdings. But local cultural supporters and museum groups say selling any of the collection would be a crime. “Exactly .” said David Koch. “Why else the fuck would we be interested.”

Another Detroit asset in that same spirit is Belle Isle. The island park in the Detroit River is a lovely natural sanctuary just east of the city’s downtown. Generations of Detroiters have escaped the city heat here, and the beach was packed during the recent heat wave. The Kochs hope to purchase the landmark and declare part of the Independent Commonwealth of Koch so that they may resume their practice of hunting naked human children closer to their Wichita, Kansas headquarters. Scott Walker has been a frequent visitor to the Koch’s infamous ‘blood islands’. It’s reported that Mr. Walker has taken part in the hunt of two if his own children. “This way Scott can get away for weekends and bring his lovely daughter in exchange for that presidential run,” David Koch said.

"First Public Employees Pay Into Their Pension Fund Which Is Then Invested On Wall Street In the Form of Bonds Where Their Value Is Destroyed By Wall Street Bankers and Brokerages, So When the Time Comes to Pay Off On the Pensions There’s No Money, So the City Declares Bankruptcy, Sells Off All of Its Assets For Pennies On the Dollar To the Very Wall Street Thugs That Robbed the Pensions In the First Place." SWEET!


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