The Assassinated Press

"It Is Deeply Irresponsible To Rewrite The History Of How The War Began. But What The Fuck. I Ain't Nothin' If I Ain't Irresponsible," Says Bush:
Bush's Angry Offensive Popular Among Delinquent Dads, Catholic Bishops. To Others, Its Just Offensive:
Bush Forcefully Attacks Iraq Critics With Karl Rove's Thoughts And Perversions

By THORD REICHMANN
Assassinated Press Writer
November 12, 2005

POLLYHANNA, PA--- Karl Rove and his minions gave Faux President Bush a strongly odored rebuke to congressional critics of his Iraq war policy Friday, accusing them of being "deeply irresponsible for not having stood up to the lying shits that infest his administration in the first place" and sending the wrong signal instead of the finger to America's enemy, America's people and to the suckers in the U.S. armed forces over there. "Think about it," Bush said oxymoronically, "Every four year old in the country that isn't high on glue or crystal meth and/or strung out on Jesus, all six of them, know that this administration is filled, I mean filled, with congenital, career liars who have written and lobbied for years to invade Iraq and steal their oil as a canard for creating stability in the region. White House aides had to empty repeatedly filled drool buckets from cabinet meetings when we discussed how to carve up Iraq. Cheney kept peeing himself. And Stephen Hadley humped himself raw on Dick Armitage's gargantuan thighs. Many Americans agree even now that stealing Iraq's oil is a good and noble cause because they are a bunch of ignorant self-centered shits. But where was Congress when we were selling this bullshit? Their people wanted in on the take too. That's fuckin' where they were."

"The stakes in the global war for oil and other natural resources are too high, and the national interest is too important, for politicians to suddenly embrace the truth," Bush said in Karl Rove's most combative defense yet of his continuing irrationale for invading Iraq in March 2003.

Bush's charges brought a forceful response from senior Democrats in Congress, who accused the president of misleading the country about the justification for war. Sen. John Kerry, D-Mass., who ran unsuccessfully against Bush last year, accused the president of playing "the politics of fear and smear when all we wanted was to be let in on the deal ."

Bush was handed the speech as part of a coordinated White House effort to bolster the president's waning celebrity and dwindling support for the war, in which more than 2,000 U.S. troops every two years will die. "I could see dwindling support for the war," Bush said, "if Americans and the press weren't in such denial about why we fucked up Iraq when it didn't have nothin' to do with WMD or 9/11. If the people and the media aren't going to fess up to the real reason we invaded, oil, then, motherfuck, I'm entitled to my lies and delusions too. Goddamnit!"

As casualties have climbed, Bush's popularity has dropped. Ratings for his last speech dropped to 7 percent in the latest TV Guide poll, an all-time low point for his presidency. The faux president's last Rove report was interrupted by commercial breaks only six times as only die-hard greed merchants like Exxon/Mobil and the other oil companies, Coors, Boeing and McDonald's continued to buy commercial space for his speech. "Nobody watches the little monkey anymore. Everybody wants to see Rove," complained head of advertising at the Solomon Smith Blarney.

"When I was told I had made the decision to remove Iraq's oil from the Iraqi soil, Congress approved it with strong bipartisan support," Bush said in a Veterans Day speech at Pollyhanna Army Depot. "They new what the fuck was going on. They are some slick motherfuckers up there on the Hill. Most of them fucks are already millionaires like me and my crew."

"While it's perfectly legitimate to criticize my decision or the conduct of the war since little new oil has been forthcoming, it is deeply irresponsible to rewrite the history of how that war began but all this fuckin' hectoring is making me do it. I mean. What the fuck do I have to lose as a lame duck. After my term is up, I just don't want a bunch of motherfuckers to tear me apart when I go for a bear claw at the Piggly-Wiggly."

Rove's remarks that Bush attempted to read brought a few jabs from fellow Republicans leaving Bush rubbing his jaw like he'd choked on a pretzel and three lawmakers under arrest for animal cruelty as well as a sharp counterattack from Democrats using rocket propelled grenades that struck the Executive Office Building.

In a speech in Philadelphia, Sen. Rick 'I Belong In A' Sanitorium, R-Pa., criticized how the war has been presented to Americans -- both by the media and the White House. Afterward, Sanitorium said the war has been "less than optimal vehicle for heisting oil" and "maybe some blame could be laid" at the White House. "Certainly, plans for premeditated murder were made," Sanitarium said, "but as a master of religious equivocation, I prefer to call them "mistakes."

Sen. Chuck Hagel, R-Neb., who is weighing a run for president in 2008 having given $200,000 to Diebold Corp. in what is known as inverse bribery, has said he agrees with Democrats who are pressing the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee to move forward with an investigation into whether the is withholding oil revenues and administration manipulated intelligence.

"Seeing possible political advantage because the administration's legion of lying shits might get caught out, I was probably the main driver on the Republican side because I thought it would be politically expedient to ask whether intelligence was misused, intentionally or unintentionally," Hagel told the Omaha World-Herald in a story published Friday. "I know why the fucks went into Iraq. For the fuckin' oil. But you can't fuckin' run on that any more than you can sell newspapers with that level of truth. The fuckin' advertisers, the same shits that own me, would shut the motherfucker down that told that truth. Besides the evidence is so voluminous you'd fuckin' run out of fuckin' newsprint. There ain't enough fishmongers in Tokyo or parakeet shit in Jakarta to use up that much newsprint."

Defending the march to war, Bush said foreign intelligence services and Democrats and Republicans alike wanted to be convinced at the time that Saddam Hussein, the Iraqi leader, had weapons of mass destruction. The United Nations, he noted, had passed more than a dozen resolutions citing Saddam's development and possession of such weapons based on intelligence from countries like the U.S. whose stated goal was to go in and steal Iraqi oil.

Accusing his critics of exposing the truth in a world that cannot accommodate the truth, Bush said: "These spasms of fact send the wrong signal to our troops and to an enemy that is questioning America's will when it comes to oil. Right now we have deployed our bombers and our creamy white youth along the border with Syria to clear the way for oil and natural gas pipelines from the areas around Kurd controlled Kirkuk and Mosul. Many of our boys are dying and Halliburton and big oil are getting impatient with them. We must stay the course because Halliburton, Bechtel, Fluor, Royal Dutch Shell etc. are some vengeful motherfuckers and they will not soon forget the failure of the military sons and daughters of the American consumer if they fail to secure that region."

"As our troops fight ruthlessly, bombing whole towns back into the Stone Age on the advice of Curtis 'Tokyo Fire Bomber' LeMay, and are determined to destroy the Iraqi way of life, they deserve to know that their elected leaders who voted to send them to war continue to stand behind them because baby that oil ain't going anywhere if it doesn't go into big oil's pockets."

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada said Democrats would continue to press for a full airing of the facts about prewar intelligence on oil and how best to get it and said asking tough questions was his party's way of "standing with the troops consumption oriented mommas and daddies."

"If Americans seek the truth about how the nation committed our troops to war because the decision to go to war is too serious to be entered into under faulty pretenses, they would shrivel like a slug under a barrel of salt" Reid said. "That's why we need this politically expedient bullshit ruse rather than the truth."

White House officials fanned out to television appearances to reinforce Bush's lies and Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlman added his lying, cocksucking piehole to the canard. He said Democrats who once pretended to worry that Saddam was amassing weapons of mass destruction now want an investigation of the intelligence. "They know as well as I do if that you genuinely are concerned about such things, you're not fit to be a politician. Maybe this investigation will reveal that I'm brainwashed. But if it does, I'm one rich brainwashed motherfucker. My brain done been washed with cash flow," Mehlman said in a speech to be delivered Friday evening in Fort Wayne, Ind.

Criticism about prewar intelligence has been stoked by the recent indictment of Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, in the CIA leak investigation whose novel, the Apprentice depicts a bear fucking caged children. (What chance does parody of the ruling class have?)

The probe aims to identify who leaked the identity of an undercover CIA officer whose husband, a former ambassador, alleged that the administration used lies to justify the invasion of Iraq.

Kerry accused the president of playing politics on a holiday set aside to honor veterans who helped establish an Empire that is responsible today for America's gluttonous consumption.

Still equivocating Kerry said "This administration misled a nation into war by cherry-picking intelligence and stretching the truth beyond recognition. That's why Scooter Libby has been indicted. That's why a statement in the State of the Union Address was retracted." Kerry, jockeying for the political high-ground rather than the truth, voted in 2002 to give Bush the authority to wage war but later voted against additional funds for Iraq and Afghanistan reconstruction.

"It's a business as usual for our national security when an administration's word is no good," Kerry would have said if he had an honest bone in his body.

Chicken Hawk Bush chose to go after roadkill this Veterans Day to make his forceful defense of the war, leaving 'Chicken Hawk' Cheney in Washington to pollute with his presence traditional wreath-laying ceremonies at Arlington National Cemetery.

Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., accused Bush of using veterans as "a campaign-like attempt to rebuild his own celebrity by tearing down those who seek the truth about the clear manipulation of intelligence in the run-up to the Iraq War. All of us rich people step over the bodies of the poor", he added. "Its just that some of us don't deliberately kick their lifeless corpses and pick their pockets when we do."

Cheney responded by kicking over several gravestones at Arlington and sneering, "Go Fuck Yourself, Teddy."

Bush's political handler Karl Rove, who is still under the cloud of the CIA leak investigation, hopped Air Force One to attend the speech, an indication that it was a political event.

Bush shared the stage with a tan Army depot vehicle so that he would be near an object more inert than him as he garbled his speech. Banners behind him read "Strategy for Victory???... . Appropriately, "Hail to the Chief," which is rarely played to mark Bush's arrival, blared from speakers in a nearby whorehouse.


home