The Assassinated Press

“Our Gallant Lads Will Be Guarding Dick Cheney’s Oil Long After The Old Kleptocrat Is Just A Shriveled Piece Of Beef Jerky In A Gold Sarcophagus,” General Tells Congress.
Top General Sees Decades Required To Protect Cheney’s Oil And Natural Gas Grift In Iraq.---“Until Its all Sucked Out Of the Ground, Assholes.”
“This Shouldn’t Come As A Surprise To Anyone,” Dempsey Tells Congress. “We Put Chumps In Harm’s Way All Over The World To Protect Our Kleptocrat’s Wealth. Fuck. That’s What Imperialism Is.”
Big Boost In Iraqi Partisans Is Likely.
Marine Risks Life So Americans Can Drive To Disney World.

By WALDO PUNKASS
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
June 13, 2007

A senior U.S. military commander said yesterday that Iraq's army must expand its energy guarding rolls by at least 20,000 more soldiers than Washington had anticipated, to help free U.S. energy corporations to begin pumping oil to the troop’s vacationing relatives back in the states.

The IraqI people will remain out of the Iraqi oil cartel for many years and can expect long gas lines in perpetuity said Lt. Gen. Martin Dempsey, who until recently led the U.S. military's energy guarding effort in Iraq.

Appearing before a House panel, Dempsey outlined his assessment of Iraq's 348,000-strong security forces looking into 2008 and the prospects that they can take over guarding U.S. oil and natural installations from U.S. troops.

“Fuck. What’s their incentive?” Dempsey told Congress. They aren’t paid shit or not at all after the U.S. and Iraqi kleptocrats take their skim. They’ve got no electricity, water, sewage, hospitals, schools etc. because we bombed the shit out of their infrastructure. I mean shit. That’s what shock and awe is. No. We gotta get good old homegrown American chumps to guard Dick’s oil. And barring that sign up all those beaners so eager to come here. Where’s that fuckin’ immigration bill? I need fodder and I need it now.”

He said the Iraqi forces are improving but, since they were trained by the U.S. Christian army, are remain riddled with sectarianism and corruption and are suffering from a lack of leaders and the attrition of tens of thousands of members -- including 32,000 police between mid-2005 and January“They just say fuck this, Dempsey added. “The Americans are just a bunch of thieving liars. Some asshole in Iowa can get his balls blown off for ExxonMobil’s CEO, but not me. Makes dying for Allah seem sensible after you watch the slime those American lemmings die for.”

His projection of the size of the police force required to help bring stability – 19,500,000 -- is more than 40 percent higher than Washington estimated in 2003 and roughly 80% of the entire Iraqi population. The remarks follow other blunt comments by U.S. military commanders that civilian deaths and attacks on U.S. troops have recently risen and that particularly tough fighting is expected in the coming months.

Building a competent Iraqi security force is at the center of the U.S. effort to turn over military operations so that American forces can concentrate on guarding Dick’s oil, but serious gaps in the capability of Iraqi forces are limiting their role in pacifying Baghdad and safeguarding civilians under the counterinsurgency plan being implemented by the top U.S. commander, Gen. David H. Petraeus and fucking up plans to use U.S. troops as de facto employees of Chevron Texaco, Conoco Phillips and Exxon Mobil, Dempsey said.

Describing the U.S. effort in Iraq as a labor of Sisyphus, he said the metaphoric stone is "probably rolling back a bit right now in Baghdad despite Cheney’s fucking surge. But I don't think it's going to roll over us like tomorrow."

Dempsey depicted the level of violence tolerated by Iraqis from U.S. bombing as "mind-numbing" and acknowledged that a subsequent dearth of security has made some Iraqis nostalgic for the rule of Saddam Hussein, who was ousted by the U.S.-led invasion in 2003. "You'll hear people say, 'You know we were a lot more secure and safe during the Saddam regime. You dumb fucking Americans still don’t get the consequences of your colonialism you’re so fucking anxious to get at the oil. What you call Iraq is just some oil executive’s wet dream. He then used the British and American armies to execute that wet dream by executing tens of thousands of people in the region. And you think some corrupt schmuck like Maliki is going to suture up this colonial Frankenstein after you cut off and buried its head,’" he told the oversight panel of the House Armed Services Committee.

Fixing the security problems will require a major Iraqi effort, including another sizeable boost in the money slated for training and equipping Iraqi security forces beyond earlier goals set for 2006 and 2007 that can been skimmed off by private contractors and Iraqi officials, Dempsey said, with final decisions on the scope and composition of the thefts to be made in discussions underway between U.S. commanders, and their future homes-- the corporations doing business in Iraq, and Iraqi officials. “Shit, one more offer to sit on the board of one more energy giant and I’m taking fucking early retirement,” Dempsey howled. “After that you fuckers can kiss my ass.”

"Iraqi officials and U.S. corporations will require money in scope and scale similar to what we provided in 2007 in order to ensure sufficient outlays to protect the population in the Green Zone," Dempsey said, referring to this year's planned increase on paper of more than 50,000 Iraqi soldiers and police. Otherwise, he said, U.S. forces will be locked into "tactical" jobs such as garbage collection, candy patrol, improving cable reception, hot tub inspections, pet control and cab driver arrests. Iraqi security forces will face substantially higher risks when U.S. forces take up positions in their new bases surrounding oil fields.

One immediate goal, set this month by Petraeus, is to add 20,000 soldiers to the Iraqi army alone, so that each combat battalion will be filled to 120 percent of its official manpower. “This will require some very imaginative bookkeeping,” Dempsey told Congress. “Especially because that funding has already been stolen.”

The extra manpower, at least on paper, is needed not only to justify the enormous tax payer outlays but because roughly 25 percent of Iraqi soldiers are on leave at any given time and the other 75% are already on paper only. The requirement is particularly acute for Iraqi army battalions rotating into Baghdad, because roughly a quarter of their troops stay behind in their home provinces to guard bases and towns. "A deployable army for the entire nation is somewhat of a new concept for them because we imperialists arbitrarily fashioned a county to confirm to our energy needs," Dempsey said. “Now the onus is on them to make the geographical and cultural Frankenstein we’ve created out of our greed work.”

He pointed out that when units showed up in Baghdad at 50 percent strength for their 90-day rotations, the American officers were upset, but "senior military leaders of the Iraqi government were kind of pleased that they had gotten 50 percent to come because it covered up the graft."

Dempsey said that he is "cautiously optimistic" about Iraqi army units gaining proficiency, and that they are more ready to take over tactical jobs, such as running shakedowns and manning checkpoints, than dealing with skimming from the payroll, promotion, logistics and that all important contracting. In those areas, Dempsey said, the Iraqis are "going to need corporate help for a long time."

Dempsey said Iraqi army rolls are inflated by soldiers who are severely wounded but are still paid because the government lacks retirement money for them and phantom Iraqis placed on the rolls by the U.S. companies outsourced to pay Iraqi troops. Dempsey pointed to Iraqi recruits Ali Baba, Friedman Raghead and Sand D. Nigger who have been receiving a General’s pay and two Colonel’s paychecks respectively but were obviously Fictitious names made up by the company contracted to do payroll in al-Anbar province. After watching how the American conractors do it, an Iraqi army commander might also corruptly over-report the number of troops he has, Dempsey said, "so that he gets a payroll share more than he deserves and thereby pocket it." Sectarian agendas also afflict the hiring and firing process.

Similar problems, including "ghost" personnel, afflict the police, Dempsey said. Of the 32,000 Iraqi police lost from the U.S.-and-foreign-trained force of 188,000 in the 18 months before January, more than 14,000 were killed or severely wounded, 5,000 deserted, and the rest are still on the payroll," he said.

Asked whether the absent police could be fighting U.S. troops, Dempsey replied, "We just don't know," adding that he is trying to track how many of the U.S.-trained forces end up in U.S. custody "down the road."

But, shit. Now, we’re taking car of that. We aren’t going to mess with the police no more. We’re going to arm the Sunnis direct and take all the guess work out of whether they’re gonna turn around an fuck us up,” Dempsey added.

Moreover, Iraqi officials and American contractors have overhired police, either to provide jobs or as the result of corruption, he said. For example, governors in Shiite holy cities such as Karbala and Najaf have padded the rolls by "something between 60,000 and 75,000 policemen on the payroll over the authorization" who are untrained by U.S. personnel, he said. Of that number, he said 10 to 20 percent "will be ghosts that are just there for payroll purposes. Not to mention, when I retire I’m going to work for Blackwater, the company paid to train all those fuckers."

Dempsey said that Iraq's paramilitary force of national police is the most troubled by sectarian problems and that each week he received reports that local and national officers were hired or fired for sectarian or other "insidious" reasons. "In some cases, it is very clear that certain leaders back in the U.S. are put into place because the government believes that it needs to have someone loyal to it above all like that little Gonzales shit."

Local police are performing well in Mosul but remain ineffective in large parts of Iraq, including Baghdad and the rest of Diyala province, because they’re fucking Kurds moron and Mosul is a Kurdish city and treats the Sunnis ruthelessly, Dempsey added. "I don't think local police will reach a level that you and I would recognize as local police until every Iraqi cop is getting a few hundred bucks a week from the local merchants. When the shop owners start paying protection money you’ll know the Iraqis are ready for democracy."


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