The Assassinated Press

Sixty Percent of US Cyber-Security Hires Are Members of Anonymous.

By LUNI POONI
The Assassinated Press
1/29/12

Ever wonder why the National Defense Authorization Act was so desperately embraced by the kleptocracy? Ever wonder why Rick Santelli dropped trou and dry humped Bill Number S. 1867 on the trading Floor of the Dow and then spooged the big board when the National Defense Authorization Act was passed.

Well, a secret study not being released to the general public may be the answer.

Kleptocracy Soils Itself Upon Seeing Report.

The study revealed that since 2006, at east, 60 to 70 percent of the hires at Homeland Security, the NSA, NRO, the CIA etc. tasked with thwarting cyber attacks from unfriendly elements are members of the anti-government group Anonymous.

“We fucked up big time,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano told the Assassinated Press. “More precisely those incompetent assholes, Tom Ridge and Michael Chertoff fucked up.”

Panic in the Wall Street.

“It’s like a bad B horror film where the bogey is in your house and all you’ve got is a screw driver and even though you haven’t read the script you your character dies while the production company has signed on to do 4 more sequels. You know your character is fucked.”

“Anonymous is the bogey. They can bring down corporate America and the government at will,” she added.

Outsource the Hot Sauce.

The outsource companies tasked with the hiring of cyber security experts are mostly to blame. Politically connected firms like Fluor, General Dynamics, AusCert, Comsec Group, SAIC, Boeing, Unisys , Wackenhut and IBM US Federal hired pretty much anybody who came through the door with little or no screening.

“We had legal guidelines set up for the hiring of people in these sensitive cyber security positions,” Senator John McCain told a group of reporters. “But it seems the companies we outsourced this most important of responsibilities ignored those guidelines,“ he added. “I understand one fellow was hired by Dyncorp when his interviewer jokingly asked if he had any hot sauce on him. The interviewer was eating lunch at his desk and wanted hot sauce for his tacos and the guy up for the job just happened to have some in his brief case. So the interviewer gave him the job. The guy that got the job turned out to be a member of Anonymous. But we can’t let him go because he’s the only one in the office that knows how to turn the computers on.”

“National Defense Authorization Act”

“I hope that this memo now it has leaked to the public will give the average Joe a beter idea of why we need to be able to arrest him without probable cause and hold him indefinitely without due process,” David Koch told a group of aspiring billionaires. “We just don’t know or care what the fuck we are doing. Wave a dollar in my face and I’ll pull out my uppers and give ya a good throat buff just like I did at Deerfield Academy where it was a freshman requirement.”

“So ya see we gotta be able to lock you peasants up at will or whim,” Koch continued. “We’re too stupid and corrupt to follow due process. We need laws that make sense to psychopaths like us. Thank god we got head cases like Scalia, Roberts, Thomas, Alito and Kennedy. Two Guidos and a Mick Leave it to those repressed Catholics to have the innate desire to revisit The Inquisition.”


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