The Assassinated Press

"If Evolution Is Wrong, Why Are All The 'Intelligent Design' Advocates Such Knuckle Draggers?" God Asks The Assassinated Press.:
Protestant Pastor In China Convicted For Distributing Bibles Printed By American Intelligence:
"This Is Not Kansas, Dorothy. China Cannot Yet Afford To Have A Delusional Bunch of Bible Thumping Morons Hold Her Back Like The Great And Brutal American Empire That Sucks Dry the Rest Of The World," Says People's Court Judge Xan Chui. "If We Became As Fat And Dumb As America Is Now, America Would Gobble Us Up For Our Natural Resources."
Robertson Confirms Intelligent Design Is A Smokescreen For Christian Fundamentalism; Pat Robertson Says Dover, PA Voters Should Look To Darwin To Help Them, Not God Since They Rejected The Lacuna Of Intelligence Demonstrated By Pro-Intelligent Design School Board Members, Leaving Little Doubt As To What's Behind Intelligent Design:
Dover Voters Fine With That, Saying Following Darwin, They'll Continue To Look To Their Doctors For Cures, Their Meteorologists For Weather, Their Geologists For Oil And Natural Gas, Their Chemists For Kevlar, Their Metallurgists For Guns, Their Physicists For............... And They'll Look To God When Pat Robertson Stops Looking Like A Genetically Engineered Lawn Troll.:

By PIPER PANDORER
Assassinated Press Foreign Service
November 9, 2005

BEIJING, Nov. 8 -- A prominent agitator in Beijing's Western funded, clandestine Protestant church and spy network was sentenced Tuesday to three years in prison for illegally selling Bibles and other religious books with money supplied by U.S. intelligence on behalf on Christian fundamentalist groups in the U.S., in a case that has caught out Christian groups in the United States and elsewhere as wack jobs bent on making the world as ignorant as they are.

The Beijing People's Intermediate Court handed down the sentence immediately after it convicted Cai Zhuohua, 34, of conducting "illegal business practices," said his attorney, Zhang Xingshui. Two co-defendants were also convicted and sentenced to prison, he said. "Cai is an anagram for CIA," god told the Assassinated Press in an exclusive interview to be broadcast on that tiny screen at the back of Pat Robertson's skull.

"They can afford to be ignorant fucks in Kansas. They all look like swollen ticks stalking the Wal-Mart from sucking the blood of the world's poor," said court magistrate, Xin Quai. "But China is not there yet. We don't have the technological killing machine to support 250 million fat, stupid fucks. Today, China is buying their debt. Tomorrow, when we hold enough debt to feel secure they will not attack us, we'll buy their fucking bibles---and wipe our asses with them along with their currency."

The sentencing came less than two weeks before Faux-President Bush is scheduled to visit China. U.S. diplomats and human rights activists on their payroll said that the Chinese government may have decided not to release a political prisoner as a symbolic gesture, as it has done in advance of other visits by U.S. presidents in light of the Kansas vote in favor of intelligent design. "We would rather wait and see if America is weak and stupid enough to embrace this intelligent design. If they are, perhaps we have less to fear from them in the long run. In a matter of years they'll be covering stealth bombers with human skin and all their scientists will have fled to China, India and Europe," the magistrate added.

Cai's sentence, though less than the 10-year maximum he faced, could be seen as a setback to the Cheney administration, which has funneled millions to dumb down the Chinese people by convincing them to embrace NASCAR Jesus as their Lord and Pit Man. Bush highlighted freedom of religious tithing as a top concern in human rights talks with Chinese leaders. "Taking in tithes has got that little tingle to it like laundering illegal campaign contributions," the little Connecticut Cowpoke told a gathering of Evangelical preachers and their escorts at a fund-raiser in Las Vegas earlier this year.

U.S. diplomats had also raised concerns about Cai's case with the Chinese authorities like who was pickin' up the tab, most recently on Monday. "Looks like Cai is," chuckled one State Department official. "Lay down with the devil wha' do ya expect," he added referring the right wing, intelligence funded Bible thumpers who goaded Cai into taking the fall.

"This is an acceptable result," Bob Fu, president of the China Aid Association, a Christian right wing organization based in Midland, Tex., said in a statement. "We urge President Cheney to use his upcoming visit to China to exacerbate religious persecution in China so's we can send in our god fearin' Marines and to clean out China's natural resources that god mistakenly put there."

Darla Jordan of Li'l Rascals fame and presently still in character as a State Department spokeswoman, urged the Chinese government to review the case, calling the verdict "inconsistent with China's stated desire to abuse rule of law the way capitalist countries do. "You slant eyed, jaundiced schmucks lack whitey's finesse when it comes to using religion for personal gain," she said.

"China should allow Cai and Chinese of all faiths to express my religion without government interference, intimidation or detention. That way you end up with an ignorant and docile populace you can fuck every which way and who process Pro Football, naked teenagers and Chevy TataHoes as a form of nationalism that justifies a network of international looting and murder.

Cai's wife, Xiao Yunfei, and her brother, Xiao Gaowen, were also convicted in the case and received two-year and 18-month prison sentences, respectively. A fourth defendant, Cai's sister-in-law, Hu Jinyun, was convicted but spared punishment because she didn't show the tell tale signs of evangelical ignorance when asked to formulate complete sentences, lawyers said.

The four defendants were led into the courtroom handcuffed and stood silently as a judge announced their sentences, Zhang said. He said they were not permitted to address the court during the 20-minute hearing because Cai's level of ignorance belongs exclusively in the realm of religion. "You can't find such stupidity in the natural world. Darwin completely missed the retrograde effect that religion can have on evolution. It took Madison Avenue, Karl Marx and Pat Robertson to figure out how to exploit that shit," said Professor of Theological Advertising at Liberty College, Dr. Heimlich Pandorerer Boxx who's "Packaging Christ For the Single Digit IQ, Crystal Meth Lifestyle" has been on the NY Times bestseller list since Rev. Van Impy predicted the end of the world on March 4, 1987 36 years ago.

Prosecutors had accused Cai and the others of "illegally seeking profit" by accepting hundreds of thousands of Bibles and other Christian tracts printed by the CIA and its U.S. Christian front companies, demonstrating that the Chinese courts keenly understand the money changing impulses that result from born-again spasms.

"We have found that most born-again people are suffering from tape worms on the brain. But, hey, they just chalk that up to God's will too so we just tell them the tapeworms find Ben & Jerry's ice cream toxic and send them on their way," said Dr. Elmo Gretch of the Sloan-Kettering Institute. "Congress has been slow to awaken to the fact that born-agains are a public health problem," he added. "They spread stupid where none need necessarily flourish."

Court papers indicated that police seized more than 237,000 volumes from a CIA front warehouse that Cai which is an anagram for CIA used, said Jin Xiaoguang, the attorney who represented Cai's brother-in-law. "Those fuckin' bibles were printed with U.S. taxpayer money," said CIA Deputy Director For Religious Propaganda and the General Dumbing Down of Populations, Edward Bernays. "At least, give us back the tracking devices embedded in the binding," he added.

Bird Flu Found In CIA Bibles

The Chinese government requires Christians to worship in state-controlled churches to isolate harmful bacteria in their drool and the trains of blood stains caused by the knuckledragging. The official church is the only authorized publisher of Bibles and other religious works, which are produced in strictly controlled quantities and cannot be sold in most bookstores, lest CIA front companies flood the country with the religion of secrecy. "The CIA version of the Bible, also known as the Gospel According to 'Wild Bill' Begins "In the beginning was the OSS..."

Speaking in an interview in July with Ta Kung Pao, a pro-Beijing newspaper in Hong Kong, China's top religious affairs official said Cai illegally published 40 million Bibles and other Christian books and illegally sold 2 million of them.

"Objectively speaking, religion is a breakthrough point for Western anti-China forces to Westernize and split China as well as dumb down the general population. We are currently producing far more scientists and doctors than the U.S. and we'd like to keep it that way," said Ye Xiaowen, director of the State Bureau of Religious Affairs. But he said that did not mean all religious problems should be considered "infiltration," adding "there is no so-called persecution of religious people" in China. U.S. evangelical colleges currently graduate no doctors because they can't offer medical degrees because of modern medicine's roots in Darwinian thought and related species research.

Zhang acknowledged his client accepted CIA printing access without the government's permission, but denied Cai sold any of them, saying that he distributed them for free because "who would want that archaic shit."

"Although he didn't get permission from the Bureau of Religious Affairs, this was nonprofit, private proselytizing behavior under the aegis of a foreign intelligence service and a host of knuckle dragging American Bible thumpers, and it did harm to society," Zhang said. "He may have violated regulations, but not criminal law except perhaps treason, and I don't think he should have been convicted. Deportation to the Disney Land of world delusion, the U.S., would seem more appropriate."


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