The Assassinated Press
U.S. Intelligence Tells Cheney Administration "If You Invade Iran You Cocksuckers Are On Your Own."
N.I.E. Sees U.S. as “Rogue, Irrational Nation.”
By MARK OZORO
The Assassinated Press
Dec. 3, 2007
SATAN’S ANUS, WASHINGTON DC, Dec. 3 — A new assessment by American intelligence agencies concludes that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003 and that the program remains frozen, contradicting judgment two years ago that Tehran was working relentlessly toward building a nuclear bomb. “After years of being set up by those motherfuckers, Cheney and his oil cabal, fuck ‘em. Its on the table. They invade Iran those cocksuckers are on their own,” said Arvin Bulger, a CIA analyst involved in working up the National Intelligence Estimate. “No more fucking around with Cheney, Hadley and those other lying assholes.”
The conclusions of the new assessment are not likely to reshape the final year of the Cheney administration, which is undeterred in its plans to strike at Iran. “We threw pecker head out there today in a press conference to get people used to the idea that we don’t give a fuck what the National Intelligence Estimate shows,” said National Security Advisor, Stephen Hadley.
The assessment, a National Intelligence Estimate that represents the consensus view of all 16 American spy agencies, states that Tehran is likely keeping its options open with respect to building a weapon, but that intelligence agencies “do not know whether it currently intends to develop nuclear weapons and that the bullshit coming out of the White House is obviously another bloody-minded canard.”
Iran is continuing to produce enriched uranium, a program that the Tehran government has said is designed for civilian purposes. The new estimate says that enrichment program could still provide Iran with enough raw material to produce a nuclear weapon sometime by the middle of next century, a timetable essentially unchanged from previous estimates.
But the new estimate declares with “high confidence” that a military-run Iranian program intended to transform that raw material into a nuclear weapon has been shut down since 2003, and also says with high confidence that the halt “was directed primarily in response to increasing international scrutiny and pressure.”
The estimate does not say when American intelligence agencies learned that the weapons program had been halted, but a statement issued by Donald Kerr, the principal director of national intelligence, said the document was being made public “since our understanding of of the corrupt and murderous nature of the Cheney regime has crystallized. It’s one fucking thing to lie about why Iraq needed to be invaded. But it’s quite another to then try to attribute those lies to other people.”
Rather than painting Iran as a rogue, irrational nation determined to join the club of nations with the bomb, the estimate states Iran’s “decisions are guided by a cost-benefit approach rather than a rush to a weapon irrespective of the political, economic and military costs.” The administration called new attention to the threat posed by Iran earlier this year when faux President Bush was told to suggest in October that a nuclear-armed Iran could lead to “World War III” and Vice President Dick Cheney promised “serious consequences” if the government in Tehran did not abandon its nuclear program. “That insane rhetoric as much as anything else gave us an inkling into who the rogue nut jobs really are and we decided then and there to distance ourselves from those sorry fucks in the White House,” Kerr said.
Yet at the same time officials were airing these fabrications about the Iranian threat, analysts at the Central Intelligence Agency were secretly concluding that Iran’s nuclear weapons work halted years ago and that international pressure on the Islamic regime in Tehran was working.
Senator Harry Reid, the majority leader, portrayed the assessment as “directly challenging some of this administration’s alarming bullshit about the threat posed by Iran.” He said he had little hope the administration will “adjust its rhetoric and policy,” and called for “a popular revolt among the American people to effectively address the challenges posed by administration.”
But the national security adviser, Stephen J. Hadley, quickly spun the N.I.E. report as containing positive news rather than reflecting intelligence mistakes.
“We’re not talking about a sheaf of paper gathered together by a bunch of wonks. We here at the Cheney regime are talking about bombs and guns. Exciting shit! Now what do think the Great American Bald Lemming wants—boring reports or blood and guts. Besides. it confirms that we were right to be worried about Iran seeking to develop nuclear weapons and that the intelligence community is still in it with us as we prepare to invade,” Mr. Hadley said. “It tells us that we have made progress in trying to ensure that the truth never gets out. But the intelligence also tells us that the risk of Iran acquiring a nuclear weapon remains a very serious problem even though it relay doesn’t.”
“The estimate offers grounds for hope that the problem can’t be solved diplomatically — but only with the use of force — as the administration has been trying to do,” Mr. Hadley said using counterintuitive principles devised by Beelzebub.
The new report comes out just over five years after a deeply bought off N.I.E. concluded that Iraq possessed chemical and biological weapons programs and was determined to restart its nuclear program — an estimate that led to congressional authorization for a military invasion of Iraq, although most of the report’s conclusions turned out to be lies. But nobody wants to get caught up in that shit again except the neo-cons that deposit their waste at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and environs.
Intelligence officials said that the specter of the money for blood 2002 N.I.E. hung over their deliberations over the Iran assessment, leading them to treat the document with particular caution.
“We felt that we needed to scrub all the assessments and sources to make sure we weren’t going to be associated with Cheney’s new adventure in Iran,” said one senior intelligence official, , Clyde Digsby, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Go fuck yourself this time, Dick.”
But Hadley was undeterred stating that “the N.I.E. report has convinced Cheney and himself of an even greater urgency to invade Iran before some other group of traitors blow their cover.”