The Assassinated Press

Minnesota's Bachmann Best Advertisement for Communism.
World Prepares to Rejoice at US Collapse After Palin/Bachmann Presidential/Vice-Presidential Win in 2012.
Rapid Decline of US Under ‘Mama Grizzlies’ Source of World Wide Elation.
After McConnell’s Reach Around Bachmann Says She Wants No Part of His Committee. Reach Around on Freshman Tea Bagger Leaves Bachmann Feeling Left Out.

By KIP ONFUKIN
The Assassinated Press
November 20, 2010

Her Republican colleagues made it clear that she would not have a seat at the leadership table when they take control of the House in January. “Woman’s place is in the kitchen, preferably bent over the granite prep island with her skirt hiked,” Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell reportedly told Michelle Bachmann.

“Bachmann’s just too batshit, too tea party,” said Ohio’s John Bohner (pronounced Beau-ner). “She’s like the schizophrenic hag under the highway underpass that blows you for a quarter. I mean she’s perfect for the Republican Party. It’s just how many fuckin’ Americans got a quarter these days they can spare on a blow job.”

But as the Minnesota Republican strode out of the Capitol the other day and onto a leaf-strewn lawn to offer blow jobs to anyone with a quarter. The love of a few hundred tea party activists waiting to see her, was undeniable and she made a cool $27.75 for her presidential bid in 2012. There are still plenty of people who believe a batshit idiot is just what Congress needs. And many more who feel a batshit idiot like Bachmann or possibly Palin are exactly what America deserves.

Financing the Quintessential Bimbo

From all around the world, small donations from the common people have begun to flood into Palin’s and Bachmann’s presidential coffers. Much of the money is from poor and middle class people in rising socialist economies in Latin America such as Brazil, Argentina, Bolivia and Uruguay. Other donations are flooding in from the Communist world including China, Laos, North Korea and Cuba. And the Middle East is backing a Palin/Bachmann ticket with money from Saudi Arabia, Iraq, al-Qaeda, Iran, Israel, Yemen and Qatar.

If Speaker-to-be John A. Boehner (Ohio) is the commander of the 240-plus Republicans who will be seated in the 112th Congress, Bachmann is a favorite of many of the American bigots as well as those billions adversely affected by the US neo-colonial world.

Bachmann Puts Her Cats on Congressional Payroll

“You are the people who changed your depends on the first Tuesday in November yet came shit heavy," she told the crowd. "You relied. You bawled. You swill pailed. You fixed. They wouldn't pick up the phone, and you kept babbling anyway like any insane person would. . . . There's a chapter in the American history books written just with your name on it. The name is Shithead Asshole Who Brought America to its Knees. I mean it’s not a pretty fuckin’ name. But it’s a name. You should hear what the corporations call me now that the Communist world is behind me."

“It’s so cute she put her cats Ronnie and Dufus on her congressional staff,” Abemail Konwicki of Fort Foreclosure, Indiana purred.

The crowd enthusiastically received the two-term congresswoman's oft-repeated vow to shrink the federal government which cuts into corporate welfare, slash the debt by increasing it, do away with health care eventually forcing the US to outsource care to a countries like Cuba which have a surplus of physicians and restore the constitutional freedoms that “white people like”.

"This is insanity economics - insanity politics – I propose to you and it's representative of who we are and this rich, beautiful imperial legacy of 234 years," Bachmann said. “We murdered. We plundered. We exploited. Either we’re criminals or criminally insane,” Bachmann continued. “When my Nuremberg comes I know I want to be able to be declared insane and so fucking far I think I’m doing pretty good.”

Here was Bachmann in her element: freed from the confines of rational thought and its rules and traditions and underlying sanity, surrounded by adoring bigots, a rogue pile of elephant shit steaming before a microphone. Many of the people on the lawn knew Bachmann from her frequent appearances on cable television. A TV-ready provocateur with a knack for tossing off bomb-mots, she found a vast audience overnight during the 2008 election when she suggested on MSNBC's "Hardball" that Barack Obama had "anti-American views."

Her words hit home with the tea bagger bigots who would rather hold anti-American views unconsciously, and Bachmann became a sensation. Tea baggers know in their hearts that they are better Americans than “niggers, kikes, gooks, Cochise, beaners and papist guineas” as her Homepage states. She racism helped raise more money for her reelection this year than any other House candidate, bringing in more than $11 million, much of it from small donations. Fellow Republicans sought her out to appear on stage with them. And then the international community figured out what a walking disaster for America she is and started funneling funds to her.

To the conservative faithful, comparatively speaking she is a smart, crazed leader like a female Orval Faubus - think Sarah Palin with a law degree - who fearlessly lends her voice and energy to the cause of restoring America's greatness. But to the rest of the world she’s an ignorant ditz who like a fucked up child will do anything for attention.

Bachmann Presidency to Become FUXXX Reality Show

Now, Bachmann, 54, is trying to convert her television popularity into political influence in Washington, so she’s a lock for at least the VP spot on the Republican presidential ticket for 2012.

It’s utterly from reading the shit in the Washington Post that Bachmann's fame will translate into political advantage within the Capitol. Many colleagues consider her to be more of a show horse than a workhorse and therefore true Karl Rove type executive material. In her favor, she has yet to make a mark with a significant piece of legislation and has a reputation as someone more interested in heading to the green room than hitting the books - advancing her own agenda ahead of her party's. Americans flock to the fact that she doesn’t like to read and doesn’t want to know anything before running her pie hole. She set up a YouTube channel in which fans can view clips of her television appearances and see that she is indeed white, still marginally fuckable, and as batty and uniformed as imaginable so a perfect Vice Presidential candidate.

When she sought the No. 4 leadership spot this month, other Republicans saw no place for her much to her relief. “It was too much fucking work and this way I get to play the maverick,” she said at the news of her non-appointment. She bowed out of the race for House Republican Conference chair before the election, clearing the way for the preferred candidate of party elders, Rep. Jeb Hensarling (Tex.). “It doesn’t hurt to pretend you fucking want these things,” she told the Assassinated Press. “But the shit we do up here is boring. I want to satr in my own reality show, The Real Housewives of Batshit, Minnesota.

Bachmann's colleagues, perhaps mindful of her sway with fucking nutty bigoted white people, are careful not to criticize her publicly even as studies show her base controls none of the American economy. “The Chinese hold a bigger stake in Michelle than al the white bigots times a million. And those fucks have only given her $11 million dollars,” long-time Bachmann friend and counselor Anne Coulter nasaled.

Bachmann has sworn to make the world swoon with glee. She denies global climate change and has pushed for increased oil and natural gas exploration in the United States, making her a target of environmental groups. As a foster parent she has promised to adopt every person displaced by rising waters in the Seychelles and put them to work on Haley Barbour’s plantations.

"That's going to take a while to settle itself, and it might be that this class is so big and so robust and dynamic there won't be such a demand for a handful of stalwart conservatives to constantly be pounding away on national TV."

But to some incoming freshmen, Bachmann's fame within the conservative movement and her efforts to help them get elected have made her a role model.

"The tea party elected a lot of the freshman class, and she's been a strong leader in the tea party," Rep.-elect Billy B. Long (R-Mo.), the congressman Mitch McConnell performed a reach around on during a photo op said. "I haven't met her yet, but that'll come out in the wash, as we say." Wha?

What observers do know is that Bachmann has a unique following among white people in districts and across the country.

In Bachmann's world, the sun is always shining and the people are always inspiring. She speaks of heavenly magistrates and innate greatness, of giving and sacrificial lambs on the altars of lunacy. When she talks, her audience of white toothless hillbillies responds with passion no one else feels for a fuck up like Bachmann.

"This was not a group of toothless hillbillies who had no idea what they were talking about. Many of you got dentures through Medicaid," Bachmann said of the tea party at the recent rally in Washington. "Noooo!''

"These weren't angry, hateful people as long as Blacks and Jews learn to stay in their place ." "Noooo!''

"These are the nicest people you'd ever want to meet--- if you’re white and ignorant."

“And those dentures. Sorry suckers. No free Medicaid ride. Next time we met you truly will be toothless hillbillies.”


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