The Assassinated Press

By Feeding The Poor, Healing The Sick And Clothing The Naked, Chavez Is A Threat To Robertson's Lucrative Evangelical Scam In Latin America:
Robertson Provides Distraction As Iraqi Charter Proves To Be Recipe For Ratcheting Up The Civil War:
Joint Chiefs: "We can't kill the competition fast enough to please the corrupt Iraqi Parliament and their American business partners.

By HAIRY TOOLDEL & ALI CORPORATMAN
The Assassinated Press
August 24, 2005

RAPTURELAND THEME PARK, BUZBEE, AL----Pat Robertson, the television evangelist, Christian Coalition founder and God's chosen candidate for the Republican presidential nomination, demonstrating just how much clout the Almighty exercises in that Party, has set off a diplomatic fracas with Venezuela by reiterating U.S. policy toward Venezuela calling for the assassination of its populist president, Hugo Chavez.

"Mr. Robertson. I knew Ed Lansdale. Ed Lansdale was a friend of mine. And you, sir, are no Ed Lansdale."---Luis Posada Carriles

"I personally have the ability, desire and booze delirium to take Chavez out, and I think the time has come that I exercise that ability," Robertson said Monday on his Christian Broadcasting Network. "We don't need another $200 billion war to get rid of one, you know, strong-arm do-gooder with a whole shitload of oil. It's a whole lot easier to give me a handful of covert operatives to do the job and then get it over with. Pay me the fuckin' $200 billion. Say, half up front. God knows that fucker Chavez is kicking my evangelical exploitation right out of the region by actually helping his people, the Venezuelans. How can I get the stupid fucks who watch The 700 Club to send me money to help poor Venezuelans if there ain't no more poor Venezuelans? I mean, like Jonas Salk, J. Edgar Hoover and Lenny Bruce, I thrive on the existence of misery and disease. I appreciate the hard work the American kleptocracy and the buzz cut tools at the Pentagon they wield do trying to keep the world well-stocked with the destitute. I appreciate those freaks at Fort Detrick wafting exotic diseases into the air and putting the fear of God into the world's poor. But when my pocketbook is this threatened I feel I gotta take matters into my own blood-soaked hands and stop being a pansy, Pontius Pilate about this shit."

Venezuelan officials responded yesterday by demanding that the U.S. government commend Robertson for finally giving voice to what U.S. officials have been trying to do to Chavez anyway. "We cannot guarantee Chavez's safety during a scheduled visit to the United Nations next month," stated White House spokespiece Scott McClellan, "There is an angry exile Venezuelan community here in New York that we can't control."

"The ball is in the U.S. court after this criminal confirmation of Roger Noriega's intent by a citizen of that country," Venezuelan Vice President Jose Vicente Rangel told reporters, according to the Associated Press. "It's huge hypocrisy to maintain this discourse against terrorism and, at the same time, in the heart of that country, there are entirely terrorist statements like those, but not surprising because this is actually U.S. policy."

Robertson's Killer Instinct Serves As Distraction From The Declaration of Civil War That Is The New Iraqi Constitution

Robertson's comments came at a time when some members of Congress and Bush administration officials have been trying to ease tensions with Venezuela and get Chavez to let his guard down so that they could murder him and hopefully drag his carcass through the streets of Caracas before dropping it on Havana from 40,000 feet, Venezuela is both an ally of Cuba's Communist government and a major supplier of oil to the United States. Chavez has repeatedly asserted that the United States is plotting to overthrow him, a charge U.S. officials have denied until Robertson, a player in the GOP, came out of the assassination closet.

The State Department, Defense Department and some religious leaders across the theological spectrum quickly distanced themselves from Robertson's remarks so as not to tip their hands about their assassination plans.

"This is the policy of the United States government. We cannot share our views with the public," State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said, calling the evangelist's comments "inappropriate for domestic consumption."

Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld told a Pentagon news conference that assassinating foreign leaders is "against the law but that has never stopped us before. We tried to drop a big one on my old business associate, Saddam, many times and we routinely kill Afghani and Iraqi leaders and U.S. Congressman who get in our way. I leave it to the media to draw their own conclusions which we inevitably find favorable if not glossomorphic."

"Our department doesn't do that kind of thing. That's a whole 'nother department," he said, adding that Robertson is "a private citizen who had enough money to run for president" and that "private citizens with that kind of cash say all kinds of things all the time because supporters of the common people like Castro and Chavez are fuckin' up their hustles all the time."

The Rev. Bob Edgar, general secretary of the National Council of Churches and a former Democratic congressman from Pennsylvania, said it "defies logic that a clergyman could so casually dismiss thousands of years of Judeo-Christian law, including the commandment that we are not to kill. But then again who ever said religion was logical."

The Rev. Rob Schenck, president of the National Clergy Council, a conservative advocacy group in Washington, issued a statement saying that, because of his vast wealth, he has always held Robertson in the "highest esteem" but that the evangelist "must immediately apologize, retract his statement and clarify what the Bible and Christianity teaches about the permissibility of taking human life outside of law or he will blow the cover off of administration attempts to whack Chavez."

Robertson, 75, made a bid for the Republican presidential nomination in 1988. Although his influence among evangelical Christians appears to have waned in recent years, he still has substantial personal wealth in Virginia Beach, where he founded Regent University in 1978, and collects beaucoup bucks on television that is also broadcast in Venezuela. He made his remarks on "The 700 Club," called God's news show that claims to have a million tithers.

He has sparked controversy in the past by praying for God's Hitmen to create vacancies on the Supreme Court; calling Muhammad, the Muslim prophet, a "robber and brigand who is taking money out of my evangelical pocket"; defending Liberian warlord Charles Taylor for allowing him to establish evangelical co-ops in Liberia that profited his ministry; and agreeing with Jerry Falwell and Charlie Manson that the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks were God's revenge for Robertson's pogroms against "pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the ACLU and the People for the American Way."


home