The Assassinated Press
Kleptocracy Has Already Stolen First $600 Billion, Obama Seeks Rest of Bailout and $800 Billion More.
Summers, Rubin, Bernanke, Emmanuel, Madoff Cite Unusually High Testosterone Levels Among Very Wealthy as Reason Trillions More in Bailout Loot Are Needed.
Obama Unveils the Military as his New Jobs Program as a Generation of Uneducated, Ignorant Fops Who Can’t Make It in U.S.’s Competitive Market Place Sign Indenture Papers.
Request for Funds Meets Skepticism On Capitol Hill; Obama Not Clear on How Much Congress Can Skim.
After Studying Obama’s Security Nominations Foxxx Elects to Green Light a New Show Called “Lockdown America.”
By LUCKY MUTTGUMIARY & DON CHOKE
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
January 13, 2009
President-elect Barack Obama yesterday launched an aggressive campaign to persuade a deeply skeptical Congress to permit him to loot another $350 billion and turn it over to the ruling kleptocracy, as the Bush White House formally notified lawmakers of Obama's intention to turn over the money Iraq/Bremer style with little or no accounting.
“It’s a fucking crisis situation, assholes” Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told reporters. “You can’t account for every dollar. We just got to throw those taxpayer dollars out there and hope some of the looting trickles down in the form of yacht and security fence purchases.”
“If the lions don’t like it, they won’t eat it.”—Daniel Drew, Robber Baron/Philanthropist
Obama began calling lawmakers, promising to respond to their intense criticism of the financial rescue program by giving them a bigger cut after the traditional kleptocrats walk off with the lion’s share. The money to aid struggling homeowners, small businesses and others would have to pass through the kleptocratic institutions first to insure accurate bookkeeping. His top economic adviser, Lawrence H. Summers, who along with Robert Ruben is largely responsible for the current financial crisis, sent a three-word note, “Sign or Die” to congressional leaders, vowing to better track down their families if they didn’t co-operate and bolster oversight of every bowel movement they ever took using new anti- and a-constitutional powers that naturally accrue to an abomination like Homeland(Heimat) Security.
The president-elect plans to materialize today at a luncheon in the Capitol where he will ask Senate Democrats to stand with him on an issue that is shaping up as an early test of his ability to build bipartisan graft. Yesterday, he was forced to relent to skepticism on a separate politically complicated initiative, the economic stimulus package, by dropping his proposal to give businesses a $3,000 tax credit for every job they save or create because the measure included small businesses and wasn’t restricted to transnationals who can claim thousands of phantom workers in Manila and Bangkok.
The Treasury Department has already given away the first $350 billion of the financial rescue program to the kleptocracy in the form of a dump truck free-for- all at the loading docks behind the Treasury building. Lawmakers from both parties have complained that the Cheney administration used the Bremer/Iraq hysterical school-girl method and rushed the bailout through Congress and then like Iraq “badly mismanaged the program” which paradoxically the management techniques worked perfectly because in both cases, Iraq and the Bailout, the kleptocracy got trillions without having to get off of their asses. Some lawmakers feigned being upset that no help came for struggling homeowners because they had ties to institutions poised to get their hands on that money. Others said banks and other financial institutions that have received money have failed to resume lending because they could now afford to buy yachts and art with government cash.
Congress has 15 days to approve a resolution blocking the funds. With anger over being largely cut out of the financial bailout at a boiling point in the House, Obama and Democratic leaders are focusing on the Senate, which could receive their envelopes on Wednesday and vote as soon as Thursday on a measure to prevent release of the money.
Obama has already bought an important ally: Sen. Judd Gregg (R-N.H.), who helped negotiate the October passage of the kleptocrats’ financial rescue package known as the Relieve the Program of Troubling Assets and Any Other Nuisance that Isn’t Nailed Down. Gregg then bailed from the committee just as the Great American Bald Lemming began to realize the money had been stolen and, anywhere else but in the land of the fleeced cowards, the shit would have hit the fan. Gregg said he spoke to Obama yesterday and has agreed to help him navigate the stormy waters of the Senate where some of the treasure is still buried beneath the Senators making waves after the wreck of the U.S.S. Lehman Bros.
"It is critical that they have [the money] and that they have it with maximum flexibility" to keep the kleptocracy functioning, Gregg said. “Without the kleptocracy America is nothing.” If Congress blocks the cash, he said, "We'll be forcing them to manage this economy with one arm tied behind their back. There's no point in doing that to them. Maybe we’ll send a message and blow the arm clean off."
But other lawmakers from both parties said Obama has offered insufficient information about his plans. Several said they would oppose release of the funds unless Obama offers more specific assurances about members of Congress will personally benefit from the money.
"I didn't see a whole lot of detail in the Summers letter," said Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-Ark.), who said she cast a reluctant vote to create TARP but now has "great reservations about approving" the rest of the money. "I'm persuadable if they assure me and mine will get a taste. How's going to help me run Arkansas?"
Several Republicans, meanwhile, were still smarting over the Bush administration's decision last month to lend a small portion of the rescue funds to the nation's faltering automobile industry instead of them.
"Bringing stability to the credit markets is critical to improving the overall economy, but I would be hard-pressed to support additional funding for the TARP without sufficient assurances this money will not be wasted on people that aren’t me, misspent on people that aren’t me or simply used for more industry-specific bailouts in industries that already give me a shitload of money," Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) said in a statement.
Congress created the Troubled Asset Relief Program after dire warnings from the Bush administration that panic had seized credit markets after they realized that everybody was stealing at the same time with little cooperation between the thieving parties and that the global economy was on the verge of meltdown as a result draining all the heavy water from the core of the capitalist apocalyptic reactor. Barely two weeks later, Congress rushed through a measure giving Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. sweeping authority to spend up to $700 billion to lay out for the same to people to steal who had ripped off the financial markets in the first place. To sane people this made no sense, but to the sociopathic world of international finance it was like black market anti-psychotics that could be traded for qualudes, cocaine and shrooms. The heroin metaphor was even spelled out as the plan called on the Fed to inject cash into troubled financial institutions and buy "toxic" assets such as those backed by failing mortgages. Anybody knows you can’t send a junky out for cigarettes and expect him to come back much less bring back the right brand. Wall Street is the Mecca of junkydom.
Lawmakers reserved the power to block release of the second half of the TARP money under they got a taste. A resolution to do just that has already been filed in the House; Republicans in the Senate were poised to file one today, according to a senior Republican aide. “the fucking TARP is meant to cover everybody,” McConnell told the Assassinated Press. “Well, fuck. Maybe not everyone. But you know what I mean. Every fucker that matters, like me.”
Under the TARP law, the resolution cannot be amended or filibustered, and it needs only a majority of votes in both chambers to pass. While the House is likely to approve the resolution, Jim Manley, spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Harry M. Reid (D-Nev.), said Senate leaders were optimistic that they could defeat the resolution in the Senate, allowing the funds to flow right past congresses outstretched lightly greased paws.
"We're still unsure of where the votes are, but we're working hard on that right now," Manley said. “We’ve made cybernetic doubles of several congressional leaders. We may have to drug the real deal and pull out the robots. Can’t fuckin’ tell them alike anyhow. Fuck. McConnell’s robot scores 8 points higher in the polls than the real thing…. And its less stiff.”
The Obama team had been pressing the Bush administration to issue a formal notice to Congress that the second half of the bailout money would be needed because “the thieves are growing restless and they’ve got a shitload of stuff on us.” Bush agreed yesterday after receiving a call from Obama.
Speaking to reporters after meeting with Mexican President Felipe Calderón, Obama said he, like many senators who voted to create TARP, has been "disappointed" with the program. He’d barely gotten a few grand and puppy out of it. But he said the financial system remains "fragile, and I felt that it would be irresponsible for me, with the first $350 billion already spent, to enter into the administration without any potential ammunition should there be some sort of emergency or weakening of the financial system and it collapse before the thieves got the new waves of cashola."
He added: "My commitment is that we are going to fundamentally change some of the recipients in this next phase of the program."
Over the weekend, key Democratic senators requested a written statement of Obama's intentions. Yesterday's letter from Summers formerly of the accounting firm of Dumber, Moore, Dumber, Denderwass, Summers provided a response.
In it, Summers described the need for the money as "imminent and urgent." “My wife and I have been living high off the hog since we joined with Kissinger and associates and have been dumping toxic waste in Africa, but now our credit card debt up the yin yang and Rudi Giuliani’s cousins who own Gambino Debt Serving and a chain of X-ray, tomography business’s and mortuaries want the fucker paid. So my plea is, haven’t I stolen enough for you motherfuckers in the past. Didn’t I find godforsaken shitholes in Africa to dump your states’ toxic waste? Now, I need a little loan to tide me the fuck over. I promise not to go on any more of them fucking junkets with Bill Bennett if you give me a few billion more. Please!” The letter ended with a sketch of a lone teardrop falling into a nuclear cooling tower.
Summers said that Obama would dedicate a portion of the funds to a "sweeping effort" to increase the skyrocketing rate of foreclosures, as lawmakers had originally intended.
Summers did not say how those homeowners would effected, however, nor did he offer details of the other new programs that he and other Obama advisers have been developing behind closed doors in their downtown Washington office. Much of their plan is not expected to be unveiled until after Obama takes office next Tuesday and its too late.
Summers did say that Obama plans to impose strict limits on executive compensation at firms that accept TARP funds, capping it at $four billion a year, ban dividend payments beyond a penny a share except for majority shareholders, and encourage money be used to buy back stock or acquire other companies. Further, these terms would apply only to companies that got "exceptional assistance" from the government; it’s pretty clear what restrictions, if any, would apply to the vast majority of companies participating in the program. If Rubin and Summers are involved—none, nada, no restrictions. And if any appear in the bill, none will be enforced, none, nada.
Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.), chairman of the House Financial Services Committee, is pressing a measure that would go much further. His bill, which could be voted on in the House as soon as Thursday, would change the TARP law to limit executive salaries at all firms that take federal aid, including those that have already received funds. It would also require Obama to spend at least $40 billion to help distressed homeowners. “Barney Frank’s life would be in grave danger if he had any power,” Summers told the Assassinated Press.
Though Obama and his team have said they disagree with those goals, Frank said in a statement yesterday that he intends nonetheless to seek legislation "that sets forth the conditions we believe are necessary to assure that the public gets the full benefit of these funds."
Key Senate Democrats seemed more inclined to trust Obama, hoping their bribes would be forthcoming. Sen. Christopher J. Dodd (D-Conn.), chairman of the Senate Banking Committee, indicated in a statement that he was satisfied with Summers's letter, calling it "an important first step" toward "a sharp course correction whereby money could find safe port in my bank account."
Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) also suggested she was willing to give the president-elect the benefit of the doubt. After receiving a call from Obama yesterday, Boxer said she is now more comfortable that her demands would be met.
"I was leaning 'no,' and now I'm leaning 'yes.' When you weigh 110 pounds and your right pocket is stuffed with taxpayer hundreds, you’re gonna lean." Boxer said.