The Assassinated Press

Perles That Are Swine: Lying Sacks of Shit That Denied Iraq War Was About Oil Party at Rogers’ Energy Trough As It Fills With Kurdish Sweet Crude.
Kurdish Ministers Drop Trou for U.S. Oil Firms.
Barzanis Are In Bed With Americans, So How Long Could It Be Before Uncle Slimey Fucks Them Again?
Kurdish Clan Claims Oil Revenue To Benefit All Iraqis; Three Headed Goat Born in Kirkuk.
Bush Tells Barzani “Fool me once,…. shame on you….. Fool me. You can’t get fooled again. I bet you fucking Kurds wish I was around instead of Nixon and Kissinger in 1973 or my old man and Scowcroft in ’89.”
Regional Bid Angers Iraqi Government; “The Fucking Barzani’s Are Trying To Steal Everything. Where’s My Taste,” Protests al-Maliki.
Chalabi Holds Up at Oil Ministry with a Contingent of Blackwater Mercs.

By SNUFFI MUFTI
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
November 28, 2007

Two top Kurdish gangsters are a long way from the casinos of northern Iraq this week, but should feel right at home with their thug buddies here in Washington.

On Monday night, Omer Fattah ‘Fatty’ Hussain was the toast of a dinner held at the 10,000-square-foot McLean mansion of Ed 'Mr.' Rogers, a Reagan White House political shill and current chairman of the bribery dispensary and quid pro quo mill, Barbour Griffith & Rogers. In an opulent living room just off an art-filled entryway with a curved double stairway bought with the blood of untold millions, the deputy prime minister of the Iraqi Kurds' autonomous region mingled with such luminous murdering, lying sacks of shit as former assistant secretary of defense Richard Perle, former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby and former White House press secretary Tony Snow. “Fuck, you can get 50 FEMA trailers into the square footage in this house. And, shit, I got three bigger ones in Miami, the Riviera and Abu Dhabi,” crowed Rogers.

Today, Hussain travels to Houston with Ashti “Mr. Two-Percent” Abdullah Hawrami, the Kurdish regional oil minister, to drop trou before an even more important audience than Perle, Libby and Rogers’-- their kleptocratic handlers, the U.S. oil cartel.

After more than a year of Kurdish inspired political deadlock in Iraq over a national petroleum law, the Kurdistan Regional Government unanimously adopted its own petroleum vig at a sit down in August. In the past month, it has signed a dozen oil exploration contracts and hopes that foreign firms will ultimately invest $10 billion in the oil sector and bring 1 million barrels a day of new oil production from the Kurdish region over the next five years. “Of course, that is if the Americans help us pluck Kirkuk out of Iraq and don’t fucking double-cross us yet again,” ‘Fatty’ added.

"Everyone is lining up at the trough . . . saying 'I want a piece of this action,' " said Hawrami, who hopes to complete negotiations on two more deals in Houston by day break.

Hawrami said the contracts posed no conflict with the spirit of Iraq's federal constitution which is every kleptocrat for himself. The Iraqi central government, however, is irate over the Kurdish contracts -- and the State Department isn't happy either. The Cheney administration has once again shown what a canard U.S. stated policy is in the region and butt fucked the oblivious Great American Bald Lemming by staging the Kurdish coming out party at his old oil crony’s estate and sending his old shill Libby as his front man.

In addition, a group of 60 Iraqi oil professionals signed a letter saying that the recent Kurdish contracts were a "dangerous step that has no legal or political standing whatsoever unless we start seeing checks right soon.” Iraqi oil union leaders have also opposed the contracts, but the U.S. government has systematically decimated Iraqi unions.

Earlier this month, Iraqi oil minister Hussein Shahristani called the deals illegal. He issued an idle threat that foreign oil companies that sign contracts with the Kurdish authorities without central government approval risk retaliation when seeking stakes in the bigger oil prospects in the southern part of the country. There are 51 known but undeveloped fields in Iraq. “What the fuck me worry,” said Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson. “I control the biggest stick in world—the U.S. military. And beat those rag heads and their families over their heads with it until they squeal, or I’m not a kleptocratic son of a bitch in the mold John D. Rockefeller. Hey, ain’t it the anniversary of the Ludlow Massacre. Let’s have a drink to all those hard workin’ schmekels.”

The Spirit of Saddam Flows In The Veins of The Oil Men.

Several major international oil companies have been talking to Baghdad about resuming work in the same giant southern fields where they had worked when Saddam Hussein was in power only without Russian, French, German and Chinese interference. And the central government indicated to them that it might rely on Hussein-era oil laws or offer service contracts if the new petroleum legislation is delayed, according to Kamal Field Aldasri, an economic adviser to the Iraqi government.

Iraq: Kurdish, Massoud Barzani, Leader Threatens Civil War Over Kirkuk Oil.

Aldasri said recently that the kleptocracy, both domestic and foreign, is anxious to find ways to boost output at the 27 operating oil fields throughout Iraq, which are producing well below their potential. The Kirkuk field, for example, used to produce almost 1 million barrels a day and now produces less than 200,000. The government's aims to boost production from the current 2.2 million barrels a day to 3 million, though it is running far behind schedule, but the Kurds have threatened to go to war with the central government if Kirkuk is not put under Kurdish control. So when the Barzanis claim that the oil revenues generated at sites around Mosul and Kirkuk will be used to benefit all Iraqis, you can be pretty much assured that their blowing it out of their asses. Most of the revenues won’t even got to the Kurdish people, but to ‘nation building’ a euphemism for buying sophisticated weapons systems from American companies through Israel which the Kurdish kleptocracy will use against Turkey and Iran. After all, isn’t that the lesson of the Invasion of Iraq.

Of Course, the major oil companies have been giving advice, reviewing data and training Iraqi oil workers -- without compensation but with those understood quid pro quos that can be backed up with force beginning with well-placed lobbying firms such as Barbour Griffith & Rogers or simply having one of your major stooges like Dick Cheney running the federal government with that fist puppet as front man. Royal Dutch Shell Group, for example, is drawing up a master plan for tapping for domestic consumption the more than 600 million cubic feet a day of natural gas now being burned off. Exxon Mobil, Chevron, BP and Total are also doing technical studies, industry sources say.

But given political uncertainty, legal disputes and security risks, the big international firms are not prepared to reenter the country with their own personnel. That’s what the U.S. military is for.

An official of one major oil company, who spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid compromising talks with central or regional Iraqi officials, said: "Frankly, I don't think there are any opportunities at the moment in northern Iraq that are appropriate for a company [of our] size. . . . They're too small."

Smaller firms, however, have rushed to sign exploration and production contracts there. They include affiliates of Russia's Alfa-Access-Renovo group, India's Reliance Industries, the Korea National Oil Corp. and Austria's major oil firm, OMV, all agreements the U.S. State Department hopes to abrogate through Iraqi legislation drawn up in Washington.

Asked about the absence of major oil companies, Hawrami said TNK-BP had signed a contract. BP said that it was not involved but that its Russian partner had entered the agreement on its own.

Some of the recent signing activity may have begun when Dallas-based Hunt Oil, whose chief executive Ray L. Hunt is a member of the President's Foreign Intelligence Advisory Board that enthusiastically backed the war and a major contributor to Bush's campaigns, signed a contract in September. Smaller U.S. companies have followed suit.

The Hunt contract upset the State Department, which has been pressing Iraq to adopt a petroleum law that would delineate the division of authority between the central and regional governments thus making sure everyone who had a bit of power got a taste.

In a Sept. 28 meeting with the Washington representatives of major oil companies, two State Department officials insisted that the Cheney administration's policy was that U.S. companies should not sign separate deals with the Kurdistan Regional Government without an envelope every week for Cheney himself.

According to one person at the meeting, the officials said the Kurds had tipped their hand and that some of the blocs being offered by the Kurdish government lay outside its territory and extended into Turkey or Iran. While conceding that the Hunt deal did not violate any U.S. law before the law in designed to enhance the existence of the kleptocracy at the expense of everyone else, they said it revealed an "unfortunate and untimely" fact that the U.S. kleptocracy was growing impatient to steal Iraq’s oil and natural gas and was changing its position on the need for a national petroleum law.

“Oversight Means Overlook,” Bush Tells VFW.

Reports surfaced nearly a year ago that central and regional authorities were close to a deal on the law, but no agreement has been reached. The key issues in dispute are amounts of backsheesh allowable by law through contracts offered to foreign companies and if the highest payments should go to kleptocrats with advanced degrees from Harvard Business School, whether the central or regional governments have the power to sell out Iraq’s patrimony, what portion of revenue flows from the central government into the hands of the lobbyists and fixers like Rogers, the composition of the cronyism of a federal commission empowered to review contracts, and whether the committee that distributes oil receipts is part of the central finance ministry or an independent group with no oversight like in America.

Some Iraqis noticed that the Kurdish regional authorities of are giving overly generous terms to foreign oil companies in production-sharing agreements. In those agreements, a foreign firm appears to take on all the risk of exploration but in fact issues loans and credit against future production through the World bank so that if no oil is found the company recoups its loss through the calling in of collateral through IMF structural adjustments loans. Failing that, they invade.

Hawrami said the foreign firms would get no more than 15 percent of production under recent contracts and less if the regional government chooses to take a one-quarter stake in the venture after oil is found, but that hidden costs for inflated prices of equipment, expertise and training would more than make up for that. He said contracts in relatively peaceful areas would offer smaller percentages to foreign companies. An Exxon Mobil representative told the Assassinated Press, “Look these schmucks get out of line, we pretend top take our ball and go home leaving them with their dicks in their hands. You think these fucks are going to give up partying with the Saudi Royal family. All those broads and coke. Madonne.”

Production from fields in the Kurdish area would be exported through a pipeline that goes through Turkey, Hawrami said. The pipeline, which has been damaged by frequent explosions, carried 300,000 barrels a day in October, an improvement some industry experts attribute to increased patrols by Kurdish militia and Iraqi helicopter monitoring.

Hawrami said that Shahristani's threats against firms that sign contracts in the Kurdish region were counterproductive and that delays were costing Iraq money. "We don't need his approval," Hawrami said. "Every time we hear the word 'illegal,' we sign two more contracts just to piss them off."


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