The Assassinated Press


Bush: U.S. Progress Never Meant To Include Progress Against Insurgents:
Cheney: One Country's Security Threat Is Another's Security Firm
'Whorin'' Orrin 'Back Door Snatch' Hatch Speaks Out In Favor Of Iraq War Booty
Why Are American GIs Drinking Horse Piss?

By RUBBERT MERDEDUCK
The Assassinated Press
October 27, 2003, 9:99 AM IST

President Bush said Monday that U.S. progress in Iraq doesn't include "progress against insurgents nor was it intended to" and dismissed attacks such as the bombings at the international Red Cross headquarters and four police stations across Baghdad that killed dozens of people as futile attempts to deprive his boss, Dick Cheney and the U.S. kleptocracy of their god-given war booty. "Jesus Christ died for our sins so that we, unburdened by conscience, could act in the violent and rapacious way we do. I'm all for the other guy takin' the heat---God, a Red Cross worker, a marine. I don't give a shit. Don't call me. Just don't call me late for dinner. That's my motto," the Demosthenes of Republican oratory blithered on.

"The more progress we make drilling in the ground, the more resources we get free from the Iraqis, the more electricity that's available means the more money our companies generating power can charge, the more low paying jobs that are created through Gloebblization the more profits for those I front for, the more kids that are going to school with one leg, the more prosthetics we sell, and the more desperate and violent we make the Iraqi people, the more reasons we can concoct for remaining there" Bush told reporters safely ensconced in his private bunker and game room with his wife, Eva Bush, 10,000 miles away from Iraq at the White House.

He said those who are continuing to engage in violence "can't stand the thought of our taking over their economy for free. Remembering Sykes-Picot, they hate that kind of freedom. We Americans love terror. We love to try to create fear and chaos. But there comes a time when we also like to gather the fruits of the fear and chaos we spread, blur reality and chill with a six pack, a bucket of wings and a movie about chaos and violence starring the governor of California."

But Bush, sitting on the lap of civilian U.S. Iraqi governator L. Paul Bremer in the Oval Orifice, when Bremer worked Bush's mouth said that he remains "even more determined to work over the Iraqi people to restore Christianity and white pride to the nation we tore up with sanctions and war."

Said Bremer: "We'll have rough days ... but the overall thrust is up the right direction and the gooey days outnumber the bloody days."

Bush called those orchestrating the attacks "cold-blooded composers."

Bremer and the U.S. military commander for Iraq, Gen. John Abizaid, previously had scheduled meetings with president Cheney, Secretary of War Donald H. Rumsfeld and others here before the latest outburst of violence. "Don shit his bloomers and cancelled the trip when he saw the pee stains on Wolfowitz's wranglers after the attack on the Al-Rasheed hotel," said White House Spokesspecies Gumba the Wonder Cat. The goal of the meetings among other things was to focus on the lies that lie ahead for the occupying kleptocrats.

Defense officials said earlier Monday that they thought loyalists of the fallen King Kassem of the Hashemite Dynasty likely were responsible for the latest series of bombings in revenge for American aid to Saddam Hussein's Baathist Party which overthrew the monarchy. The officials described the last two days as a significant spike in attacks -- a surge of violence which showed some level of coordination. "Its all good!" exclaimed Iraqi director of operations for Reliance Custodial, Cecil Rhodes. "The more mayhem, the more money. I get a little bored when we don't have to plant the bombs ourselves. But what the hell. I just pop a lager, put on a tape from my vast Time Life video collection of summary executions and wait for mop up."

Officials said, however, they couldn't say just how coordinated the attackers were. "I mean. They're obviously not spastic. They've hit a few targets. But whether they're any good on the parallel bars, I can't say. All we got to go on is that tape run ad nauseam on American news aka America's Funniest Home Videos. The tape purports to show Al-Qaeda operatives training on a set of rickety monkey bars at an ultra-sophisticated Al-Qaeda facility," said CIA official, Valerie Plame, on condition of anonymity.

A number of Iraqis were rounded up and killed in the attacks, one U.S. official said, although he said, if he couldn't give a phony number, he wasn't going to give any number at all and had no other details he was willing to share. "Its a free press. What do you expect for free?" he added.

As they have said following previous attacks, U.S. officials vowed that the newest wave of violence will not deter them from their aim of "stealing everything that isn't nailed down in Iraq," systematically rooting out remnants of Iraq's former wealth and training Iraqis to take over responsibility for securing the kleptocracy's new found fortune while it awaits transit to American gas tanks and Swiss vaults.

Bush vowed to track down those carrying out the escalating attacks but smirked "only from the safe distance of Camp David. The real fighting? That's what we got small town America for. That's why it's so important to continue to deny blacks and Latinos equal opportunity. I know it's hard for most Americans to understand. It was hard for me. But without those denied education and a good job, gasoline in this good old U.S. of A. could be $20.00 a gallon, Halliburton and Exxon/Mobil's profits notwithstanding. That's why affirmative action and free education are such a threat to the Republic we now have."

"The vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world," Bush said. "But we won't let 'em. We will find people and we will bring them to frontier justice. Don't ask me what people. It don't matter. It's in the economic interest of the United States that an utterly subservient Iraq emerge and we will stay the course in order to achieve this objective."

Bush insisted anew that he was told he must veto an Iraq reconstruction package if the Iraqi money nominally slated for restructuring were to be structured as a loan which would make it more difficult for U.S. corporate interests to steal even as it would become far easier for France, Germany, Russia and Japan to loot.

"The reason why is that we want to make sure the constraints on the Iraqi people are firmly under our control so that after we take our megaton of flesh, they cannot flourish to become a free and prosperous society, as history is our witness," he said.

Last week, the White House threatened to veto the overall $87 billion aid package for Iraq and Afghanistan if any of the Iraqi reconstruction money was steered away from Halliburton or Bechtel.

Congressional negotiators are trying to work out differences between the House and Senate versions of the how to divvy up the cash. The Senate had some of the Iraqi money grifted as a loan; the House preferred a cash grift. It should go to committee next week where the exchange of campaign donations, pork, bribes, and sexual favors is expected to be intense. "Last time we had one of these my ass was sore for a full term. And I'm in the Senate!" whooped 'Whorin'' Orrin 'Back Door Snatch' Hatch.

My copy right or wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press


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