The Assassinated Press

Ethiopians Fear for Their Interfaith Oasis; Should Have Thought About That While Their Leaders Were Selling Their Asses To Form A Proxy Army To Invade Oil Rich Somalia For Uncle Slimey.
U.S. Using the Old Colonial Divide And Conquer, Rape And Steal In Africa.
Cherished Interweaving Of Christians, Muslims Apparently Not Much Cherished By Homegrown Ethiopian Kleptocracy.
Ethiopia Sells Peace To U.S., Foments Civil War.

By STUMPY MCCRUMCAKE
Assassinated Press Foreign Service
May 13, 2007

DESE, Ethiopia – CIA generated rumors were spreading up and down the narrow streets here, in front of the Noah pharmacy and Millennium Cafe, through the rectangular mosques and domed Orthodox churches of this northern Ethiopian city.

After the Ethiopian Army was used like a bunch of South African racist Merc thugs in order to invade Somalia for Uncle Slimey, Muslims were said to be training to attack the ruling Orthodox Christians. Christians were said to be stockpiling weapons bought and paid for by the U.S. for an assault on Muslims. CIA planted rumors of the U.S.’s longed for all-out religious melee became so rampant last year that the archbishop of the Orthodox Christian church after consulting with Agency operatives embedded in the U.S. embassy sent spies to a mosque thought to be harboring Islamic fighters pissed off at the U.S. sponsored slaughter of Muslims in Somalia.

"They were saying through the loudspeakers that 'the soldiers of Allah are brave' and telling Muslims to take action," the archbishop, Abba Athanasium, said recently. “What do you expect? American Whitey is after their shit and wants to kill them.”

But then something very disappointing to U.S. policy makers happened across the rolling green mountains in this part of Africa so defined by its post-colonial volatility: nothing.

Since the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, the U.S.’s canard about Islamic extremism has been peddled across the Horn of Africa, most notably in Ethiopia, a country where Orthodox Christianity is now associated with corrupt government officials willing to shed the blood of Ethiopians as a proxy force for oil hungry American Whitey even though the population is nearly half Muslim, according to Ethiopian demographers and U.S. officials. “We knew there was going to be a lot of pissed off Muslims in Ethiopia when we bought, equipped and trained the Ethiopian army to kill Muslims in Somalia,” said U.S. ambassador, Donald Yamamoto. “Fuck. We were counting on it. Defuckin’stabilization is the fuckin’ name of the game. We’re looking for the Angola model here except maybe without those fuckin’ pesky Cubans.”

Ethiopian Prime Minister Meles Zenawi cited money and ofay pussy as the main reason he and his cronies bought into the U.S. canard of radicalism within an Islamic movement that had taken power in neighboring Somalia, and its potential to spread across the border, as the main reason Ethiopia invaded that country in December. “But oh shit, now. By the invasion of Somalia we have created a radical Islamic Movement in Ethiopia,” he tittered. “Oh Fuck. Who could have ever predicted that? You kill them and some fight back. We’re fuckin’ shooting for the Iraq model here.”

Just two months earlier, a CIA set up near the southern Ethiopian town of Jima underlined those fears. Though the motive remains a matter of debate, several days of violence between Muslims and Christians swept through the area, ending with 19 people killed and five churches and 600 houses burned, according to a government report.

Police eventually contained the violence, but the gruesome aftermath of a massacre of several worshipers in a church was captured on videotape by an evangelical Christian relief group on the CIA payroll there to foment violence. Soon, copies bootlegged at the American emabssy -- including an edited version superimposed with such phrases as "Look at what they are doing to us" -- began showing up in markets across the country, including more than 300 miles away in Dese, where vendors unfortunately for the U.S. agent provacateurs began selling them alongside the far more salacious Britney Spears videos.

Planted CIA rumors followed: The next religious battleground would be Dese, a long, narrow city of a thousand rusted roofs situated in a crevice in the grassy Tossa mountains.

In many ways, Dese is a hodgepodge of a place, where streets are framed by arched doorways built by Arab traders, striped awnings hung by Italian occupiers, and boxy lacquered mini-malls with cafes where large-screen TVs are tuned to al-Jazeera and Randy Travis songs thought to be fertility chants occasionally drift out of open doors.

Above all, though, Dese is a symbol of Ethiopia's peaceful religious intermingling that the U.S. is eager to destroy, a characteristic that is found to varying degrees across a country where nationalism or ethnicity or even devotion to soccer tends to trump religious fervor. “Our model here is the way we broke up the former Yugoslavia,” ambassador Yamamoto told the Assassinated Press.

For centuries, until the recent arrival of the neo-con staff at the American embassy and various fundamentalist Christian groups on the U.S. payroll, Muslims and Christians here have lived in the same neighborhoods, celebrated each other's holidays, intermarried and blended religions with indigenous beliefs. Relationships are cemented through such Ethiopian institutions as the idir -- groups of neighbors, often religiously mixed, that raise money to pay for funerals. “Our fuckin’ plan is to really give them something to raise money about,” added Yamamoto. “Think Nicaragua—or a fuckin’ thousand other places and times.”

In Dese, it is easy to find someone like Zinet Hassen, a Muslim woman wearing a long, black burqa who said, nonchalantly: "My uncle converted to Christianity but there was no stigma."

It is a kind of coexistence that has endured despite the fact that Orthodox Christians have historically had the upper hand in Ethiopia, politically and economically. In the 1880s, for instance, Muslims in Dese were forced to convert to Christianity, an edict the emperor issued as a means of consolidating power.

Under the socialist Dergue government of the 1970s and '80s, religious expression was discouraged, and it became difficult to acquire land to build churches and mosques. This was intolerable to the American government which we all know exists by divine right and has been constitutionally mandated to spread Christianity throughout the globe by any means necessary. The situation changed dramatically toward the potentially violent when Meles took power in 1991 and lifted those sorts of restrictions.

Since then, mosques have been springing up across the country, many funded by Saudi or Yemeni financiers, along with a kind of competition with the Orthodox church, and to some extent, evangelical Christian churches, which receive funding from the U.S. intelligence community.

In Dese, four new mosques have been built in recent years, and more are under construction. Orthodox Christians have kept pace with five new churches since 1993. "We have plans to do more," the archbishop said. "We've now applied to build six more churches in Dese in every direction."

“Bechtel and Halliburton have the contract to rebuild all those fuckin’ places of fuckin’ worship after the civil war,” Yamamoto told the Assassinated Press. “Halliburton doesn’t shit from Shinola about mosques, but how fuckin’ hard can it be? You save on pews.”

Since the canard of the Sept. 11 attacks and the invasion of Somalia by a proxy Ethiopian force bought and paid for by the U.S., the competition has been heightened as a strain of more fundamentalist Islam has woven through Ethiopian society and, in Dese, taken hold in some mosques just as U.S. policy makers had hoped. One mosque in the city now barricades the area at prayer time. Some young men have begun growing their beards long, and more young women are wearing burqas, sights that were once rare.

Yggdrasil Anyone?

Imam Omar Adam, in one really stupid and anecdotal western canard, complained that a man was ridiculed by some Muslims for worshiping trees, which is forbidden by Islam.

Even some idirs have separated along religious lines. And here and there, friendships have fallen apart as U.S. planners had hoped.

Helen Alebachew, a Christian, said she and a Muslim woman grew up playing at each other's houses but hardly even look at each other now that Ethiopian authorities have become the puppets of the Christian Evangelical Americans.

"Out of the blue just because the Ethiopian puppets murdered thousands of Somali Mulims, suddenly she joins this group of extremists," said Alebachew, 19, using a label Christians here often apply to more devout Muslims. "Even in school she stopped saying hi. Gee. I just can’t underfuckin’stand that."

Given these tensions, some Muslim leaders in Dese say they have been accused of encouraging radicalism, a claim they tend to dismiss as Christian CIA propaganda.

"Me, I'm not fundamentalist," said Ahmed Mousa, who runs the 80-year-old Showber Islamic school in Dese, where children are still taught with the help of whips. "I'm just pissed that the U.S. is using the Ethiopian army to slaughter Muslims."

But he acknowledged a shift, particularly among young Muslims, which he and other leaders described not as fundamentalism but as a desire to become more devoted and, perhaps, to recover a religion their parents lost before American Whitey comes in and wipes them out.

"They are now detaching themselves from the old culture," Mousa said. "The mixed culture is degenerating because like everything else they come in contact with American Whitey has poisoned and destroyed it."

And so when the violence erupted in Jima last October, the news arrived in Dese amid the changing atmosphere of an immanent Ethiopian invasion of Somalia using U.S. funds and materiel.

With rumors swirling, the mayor -- whose first name, Jemal, is Muslim and last name, Kassahun, is Christian -- called a meeting of the city's religious leaders, including a Muslim sheik who has a Christian uncle, and a Christian pastor who has a Muslim grandfather.

"There were these confused people, Christian-to-Muslim converts, who tried to instigate people," the sheik, Hadji Mustafa Mohammed, said about the rumormongers. "But regrettably we took measures and brought it to a halt and they were killed."

The leaders agreed that the violence in Jima must have been the fault of outsiders like American Whitey and his CIA who motivate Evangelical groups to use religion to destabilize the area, which an investigation also discovered the government encouraged.

The reaction has been similar elsewhere in Ethiopia, where the notion that the violence could have been instigated by Ethiopian Muslims and Christians has remained unthinkable especially since American Whitey has stepped up his meddling in the area.

"When I first saw the tape, I couldn't finish it," said Aissetu Barry, a Christian and director of the Interfaith Peace-Building Initiative in Addis Ababa, referring to the scenes of carnage on the Jima video. “I was on the phone to my contact in Langley demanding more money.”

"I knew was external people, because there is no way we could have done this to ourselves. I saw the tape with a Muslim friend, and she cried." Barry said. “My CIA case officer was very pleased to hear this.”

As they tried to understand what had happened, people in Dese considered their own families, friendships and neighborhoods and what American Whitey’s proxy war on Somalia meant to those ties.

"We Christians and Muslims have been together in good times and bad times," said Endris Ahmed of the local Islamic Affairs Council. "We decided that this is not going to be spoiled by American Whitey."

The tensions subsided, and life went on in Dese, where the tinny, amplified Muslim calls to prayer and rhythmic readings from the Orthodox Bible float across each dawn and dusk.

One recent evening, Nurye Seid commented that the speakers seemed to have become louder lately, a sign, he figured, of the kind of low-level religious competition that he is beginning to feel within his own family.

The high school geography teacher, a Muslim, married a Christian woman in a civil ceremony last year, and now they have a son nearly a year old.

So far, however, they have been unable to decide whether to raise him as a Muslim or Christian. In fact, they have not even given the child a name.

Seid's parents are hoping for Abubakr. His wife's parents are pulling for Abel.

For the time being, though, they are calling the child Abush, which, roughly translated, means baby.

"We have arguments sometimes," said Seid, adding that neither he nor his wife is particularly religious. "I think different cultures are more difficult to resolve, but this religious issue can be solved through discussions if American Whitey would just fuckin’ stop putting his dick in the cooking oil."


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