The Assassinated Press

Somalis Adapt Wearily, Pragmatically To Old Colonial Disorder, U.S. Puppet Show In Capital:
Fear of Oil Warlords Conoco, Amoco, Chevron and Phillips Returns After American Rout Of Somolian Forces:
If al-Qaeda Was Already In Iraq As Cheney Administration Asserted Suicide Attacks Would Have Already Commenced:
U.S.S. Cole Redeployed To Gulf Of Aden Launching U.S. Invasion Of Somalia:
Ship Sits Offshore Providing Logistics To Ethiopian Proxies

By STEMPY MCCRUMMCAKE
Assassinated Press Foreign Service
January 5, 2007

MOGADISHU, Somalia, Jan. 4 -- Among the first things Mohamed Abtidon did when the Islamic Courts movement came to town in June was to buy a fancy cellphone, a slim $360 Motorola. Streets once ruled by thieving, bribing warlords and Conoco, Amoco, Chevron and Phillips finally felt safe, he said, and he walked around chatting with abandon.

“The local warlords were one thing. But the fuckin’ white devils were quite another. The local warlords would steal your cellphone, but those fuckers from the transnational corporations with their monumental greed go around the world creating chaos and violence. Their greed trickles down and leads to having your cellphone ripped off. But by comparison to the corporate rapine that seems like a good day. Then the same fuckin’ corporation is fuckin’ right there to sell you another fuckin’ cell phone after arming another motherfucking proxy force of thugs like the Americans just did with the Ethiopians and warlords here in fuckin’ Somalia who in turn are ready and waiting to steal that cellphone,” said Abtidon.

“And who better to arm and use as a proxy than landlocked Ethiopia, so easily starved if they don’t comply. The only opening they fuckin’ got to shipping lanes is through that narrow, U.S. controlled anus of Djibouti or as we call it – Ya Booty,” he added.

“And as soon as the U.S.S. Cole makes it back to the region, the Americans have Ethiopia attack. Now, ain’t that some shit. Right after the U.S. bought warlords get their asses kicked by the Islamic militias, bam, here come the fuckin’ Ethiopians with their U.S. ‘advisors’ and U.S. warships like the Cole sitting in the Gulf of Aden supplying intelligence and full of U.S. troops biding their time,” he said.

“And on top of all this oil grabbing, ‘regional security’, geo-political shit I’ve got to worry about my goddamn cellphone.”

Meanwhile back in Washington, White House Spokes Hoax, Tony Schmo told reporters, “Is al-Qaeda in Somalia. They are if we say they are. Too late to send so-called investigators in this time and make us out as liars. We’ve already fuckin’ invaded.”

Since the Islamic movement’s strategic retreat last week, immediately the U.S.’s method of men draped with AK-47s have appearing once again along the sandy lanes in the neighborhoods, bringing with them that characteristically American induced feeling of menace returned. As with any colonial country, Abtidon has adapted almost instinctively. He put the fancy phone away and is now using an old battered one that he keeps shoved deep in his pocket.

"I switched back to the one I used when the warlords were here," he said. "And I put it on vibrate, because I don't want to let them know I have a phone. Its good practice when the real thieves, Conoco, Amoco, Chevron and Phillips, return and reoccupy their compounds. I hear they’re going to bring their front man the U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for African Affairs Jendayi E. Frazer to Mogadishu on Monday to pave the way for the return of big oil and the big oil heist. I can’t fuckin’ wait.”

The U.S. likes Mogadishu to be a consummately unpredictable city, a place where trust in the future is gauged by the ups and downs of the local gun market and when the U.S. will attempt to move back in and resume looting Somalia. In the past 15 years, it has experienced the fall of a dictator, brutal civil war, the rise of a coalition of warlords and the warlords' overthrow by the Islamic Courts movement. It was the Islamic Courts Movement and their ability to achieve order that upset the U.S. kleptocracy. “If there is going to be some semblance of order in Somolia its going to be something we control,” Tony Schmo told reporters. “Anybody elses order is unacceptable because it may exclude transnational corporate exploitation.”

Last week, the U.S. undid order in the country when the Islamic fighters were run out by Ethiopian troops on the U.S. payroll through Israel backing a fragile, puppet, South Vietnam/Iraq/Afghanistan type government that is now racing to establish itself with zero popular support while the old thuggish militias who exhibit that much admired Chicago School quality of self-interest return.

For ordinary Somalis caught in the chaos produced by the greed of Western oil companies, day-to-day life has been driven less by ideological allegiance than sheer pragmatism and constant recalibrations.

"However things are going, we just adapt to it," said Mohamed Dere, who works for a telecommunications company in the city and is also an artist. "The reality is we need peace only, however we get it. With the Islamic Courts, the practical side was they gave us peace, so that was the wager. The U.S. expects you to be a slave. Their price for peace is you starve while they suck you dry."

Like many Somalis, he protected himself with a gun when the American supported warlords were in power, stowed it away when the Islamic Courts took over and brought it out again when the new government pushed the Islamic side out. And like many, he was uncomfortable with the social restrictions the Islamic leaders imposed. For example, they had frowned upon, though did not police, secular music and dancing. But Dere said he feels far more oppressed at the moment by insecurity. “If an American shell blows off your legs dancing isn’t high on your agenda.”

"We are hostages right now," he said. "We have no freedom. Just like the Americans like it."

In one way, people here said, Mogadishu was liberated by the Islamic Courts movement, which managed to rid the city of the militias and roadblocks that had functioned like a hundred Berlin Walls. Movement was so restricted that some residents had not seen friends and relatives in years, and children living only minutes from the crashing Indian Ocean had never laid eyes on the turquoise water.

So when the Islamic movement took power in June, Bile Dirie, 36, packed up his family in a Land Cruiser on a few glorious Fridays, drove the entire length of the city's coast and swam in the ocean. He moved out of his apartment in the Baraka neighborhood of Mogadishu, the only place he had felt safe under the warlords' rule, and followed his fancy to a more expansive area called Medina, where he got a bigger house for less money.

When the Courts movement was pushed out last week, however, he feared the return of the warlords' militias and went back to his old neighborhood, an area that appears to have been disassembled and reassembled dozens of times, with its stick-and-tarp markets and loosely hinged doors, spirals of barbed wire and tangled nests of phone lines. Only herds of goats seem to roam Mogadishu freely these days, wandering the sandy streets past trees and rusted hulls of tanks.

"I don't drive around now," Dirie said, sitting in his office. "The militias are still shy, but that's fading as they realize the old post-colonial chaos is about to return."

Mogadishu is a place where, quite literally, the center has not held. Since 1991 there has been no central government in the capital, whose approximate middle is a bombed-out spectacle of ruin -- crumbling Italian buildings, broken colonnades and 800-year-old mosques blasted to abstraction.

“But I mean who gives a shit about a few grubby mosques,” said ConocoPhillips CEO, James Mulva. “We dropped quite a few bucks on Siad Barre but those assholes in Clinton administration couldn’t keep him propped up. Second rate cutthroats that Clinton administration hacking up Yugoslavia notwithstanding.”

On Thursday, Prime Minister Ali Mohamed Gedi another stooge officially opened a district court near the seaside wasteland. Around noon, workers were hauling wooden benches into a whitewashed building and dusting off its tiled floors. The Islamic movement had rehabilitated the court, which is near the city's crumbling ruins, and kicked out most of the clerks, such as Duale Mohamed, who was among those taking up their posts again. He said that less desirable things were coming back, too.

While the Islamic Courts had imposed some discipline on electricity access and prices in his neighborhood, for instance, Duale said that prices were reverting to the whims of clan leaders who "have learned from the Americans that if they have you by the neck they can charge you whatever they like."

Gedi reiterated on Thursday that his top priority is disarmament, but the process has gone badly because he is a stooge of the Americans the most heavily armed of all and this exposes him as the hypocrite and liar that he is, with certain warlords wondering why they should trust a government they consider dominated by rival clans and ultimately the U.S., and businessmen wondering who will protect them from the voracious buy-out or die-out Americans. Gedi said the government will start forcibly taking weapons Friday. Then things should really get interesting.

In preparation for the return of the Americans, another layer of unease settled on an uneasy city. In one market, a money-changer said he was again hiring gunmen to escort him home from work. "Most people, they are afraid there will be no security," he said.

Besides getting rid of the flashy cellphone, Mohamed Abtidon has lately replaced his gold Rolex with a cheap plastic watch to avoid being mugged by the thugs Somalis call CEOs. If he takes a taxi, he said, he takes an old rusty one instead of a newer car.

When the Islamic Courts were in control, Abtidon, 26, who consults for a relief group, dressed more conservatively, tucking in his shirt, wearing a nice belt and leather loafers. These days, though, "you have to dress like them," he said, referring to the CEOs. “A suit and tie so you can sneak up on your victim.”

"When the Courts left, it has become a new life," he said, in a manner more grim than enthusiastic. "Now has come a problem bigger than not being able to watch a film. The oil companies have returned."


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