The Assassinated Press
Destroying the Planet Over a Ten Dollar Bet
By EDWARD MAYONNAISE
The Assassinated Press
The end of the world may have its origins in a $10.00 bet.
The year: 1984. The setting: a banquet room at the Mayflower Hotel in Washington DC. The organization: The Project for the New American Century or PNAC.
A fifty year old one term alcoholic congressman from Oklahoma named Jim Inhofe, flushed with Bourbon, wearing a ten gallon hat and sweating profusely sat across from his adversary, a brash, phlegmatic, congenital liar of a two term congressman from Wyoming with a bad ticker and male pattern baldness named Dick Cheney.
The two men had battled for 3 days to put forward an agenda that reflected the will of their wealthy handlers.
Charles and David Koch had summoned Inhofe to their compound in Lawrence, Kansas to make sure the Republican rising star was on the right page, the Koch Industries page.
Likewise, Cheney had met with representatives from the world’s ten largest arms makers to discuss their agenda.
Both camps had made the right choice putting their faith in James “Mountain Monkey Jim” Inhofe and Richard Bruce “Dick the Prick” Cheney; men willing to put the wealth of the world into the hands of a few people or millions of people would die trying.
They were both tenacious and dirty fighters when using proxy bodies, psychpaths in the clinical, cultural and even the cinematic sense.. Cheney had already killed two of his siblings in confrontations over TV privileges (like we all haven’ t been there.) And the entrepreneurial leaning Inhofe already had a thriving business ripping the jugulars out of the local cat population and grinding up the meat to be sold as those flavorful, grisly, gravy soaked patties all westerners know and love as chicken fried steak. He even had his own brand of jarred gravy called Blood Honey.
Both men were deeply religious. While attending Yale, Cheney embraced Human Sacrifice and joined Skull and Bones, fucking a rabid dog as part of his initiation. Likewise Inhofe pledged himself as a ‘true follower’ of Mammon as an undergraduate at Tulsa.
Oddly, both men were frugal. It’s reported that on their first date, Inhofe took his wife of 55 years Kay to a fight to the death between two scorpions in his bathtub. Cheney took his wife of interminable years, Lynn, to a Knights of the KKK Dance complete with lynching and door prize of a neutra fur coat.
So when these two self-righteous sociopaths went head to head on which international economic power house would control and ultimate destroy the world, oil or weapons, the fur flew both men being quite hirsute having unwittingly taken part in secret CIA testing in the 1960s.
The ideological battle in the ballroom raged on for days veering from economic to theological to apocalyptic to economic. Would weapons or oil determine the fate of the world?
Nukes were already in place Cheney argued, more than enough to destroy the entire planet hundreds of times over. Inhofe countered with the internal combustion engine’s nearly 70 year head start over nuclear annihilation and its current reign of planetary destruction.
The debate went on for three nights and days between these two psychopathic Titans. Cheney ripped trees from the ground while Inhofe disemboweled dogs.
Finally, exhausted the two men decided to place a wager. Since the money for the wager wasn’t coming from the taxpayer or someone pimping out Cheney and Inhofe, these very frugal budget balancing champions chose a low amount.
Since there erstwhile bet decades ago neither fucknut has yielded, Cheney with his military industrial complex and Inhofe with his Koch Industries etc.
And that, folks, is how the planet came to be destroyed over a ten dollar bet.