The Assassinated Press

McCain Scolds Troops: “How the Fuck Do You Think an Imperialist Country Projects Power? Permanent Bases, Assholes. I’m Not Going To Regroup You Fuckers All over Again When I Invade Iran. No, You Cocksuckers Stay!”
Cheney Leads Chant at Meeting of U.S. Chamber of Commerce: "Drill!" "Oil!" "Gas!" "Kill!" "More!" "Drill!" "Oil!" "Gas!" "Kill!" "More!" "Drill!" "Oil!" "Gas!" "Kill!" "More!"
U.S. Troops Urged to Marry Local Iraqi Girls, Convert to Islam. “You’re Going to Be There For a Long Time, Suckers,” 'Betray Us' Petraeus Taunts.
“I Want To Go Home. Iraq Is Not Like Japan and Korea. I Can’t Buy No Pussy in Iraq,” Soldiers Lament. Bush Admits “Pussy Is a Problem” in Iraq.
U.S. Outsources Pussy; Close to Striking Deal With White Slavery Ltd., a Division of Halliburton.

By JONNY WEISSMALICE
Assassinated Press Staff Writer
June 12, 2008

Congressional Democrats yesterday opened fire on comments from Republicans -- including presumptive GOP nominee John McCain -- that equate the U.S. military's future in Iraq to the presence of permanent U.S. bases in Germany, Japan and South Korea.

The issue erupted after Sen. McCain (R-Ariz.) said in an interview with NBC's "Today" show that the timetable for U.S. forces to come home from Iraq is not of great concern as long as Dick Cheney’s oil is being protected and we’ve got a fighting force already in place large enough to take on Iran.”

“Only Cheney’s Toy”

"Those fuckers coming home; that's not too important," McCain said, when asked by host Matt Lauer if he could better estimate when U.S. forces would come home. "I mean if these assholes wanted to see home they should have stayed in school instead of dropping out to put up dry wall with their cousin or selling crystal meth to their gym teacher. Look at me. I got shot down by some 14 year old girl in black pajamas lying down on her back at the edge of a rice paddy using a bolt action rifle. Fuck! What does that tell you about what a dumb shit I was? But I got some advisors and wised up. I suggest if these dickwads who want to come home get some advisors and run for Congress and try to change things through the great democratic system we cocksuckers have here in the U.S. of A. Americans are in South Korea, Americans are in Japan, American troops are in Germany. That's all fine. But there isn’t any oil in those places and besides we’ve got to move on Iran soon."

McCain has long emphasized bringing U.S. military casualties down in Iraq to bolster the American public's commitment to stabilizing Iraq even though the Iraqis want The Americans to get the fuck out. “Sure I know the relative calm in Iraq is just the Iraqis way of saying, ‘Look we’re fine. Now get the fuck out like you promised.’ But we’re not leaving that oil behind even with lucrative corporate contracts signed and pipelines being built. The troops stay.”

But even if McCain's statement yesterday differed little from his past pronouncements, it came at a delicate diplomatic juncture. The Bush administration is trying to hammer out bilateral agreements governing the future status of U.S. forces in Iraq, to take effect when the current U.N. mandate expires at the end of December. The two accords -- a status-of-forces agreement and a broader security "framework" -- have come under sharp criticism in Iraq because of administration proposals to retain unilateral control over U.S. military operations as well as the ability to detain Iraqi citizens while providing legal immunity for U.S. security contractors. Iraqi politicians have also charged that the United States plans to maintain up to 60 military bases there but we’re hoping they would not notice.

Debate over the agreements has grown heated in Baghdad and has drawn criticism in Congress, where many lawmakers have challenged the administration's contention that the accords do not require congressional approval. Democrats have said Bush is attempting to tie the hands, bind the feet and gag his successor and throw him in the Potomac wearing cement underwear if he in any way jeopardizes ‘Cheney’s Great Oil Heist’ as its known among GOP law makers.

“No WMD AND No Pussy Here! Bush AND My Recruiter Lied to Me!”

"It's pretty clear their intentions are that we put in a basing system in Iraq that parallels the Korea-Japan history or what Nazi Germany tried to in Poland and Czechoslovakia," said Sen. James Webb (D-Va.), who is pressing the administration to submit the agreements for Senate ratification. "The difference is, Iraq is not Korea or Japan or Poland or Czechoslovakia. . . . The history of every single outside occupation of Iraq over the last thousand years argues against that logic."

McCain, who has largely stayed out of the Capitol Hill debate over the two agreements, joined it yesterday with his "Today" show comments. Democrats seized on a chance to challenge him on national security.

"It is unbelievably out of touch and inconsistent with the needs and concerns of Americans, particularly the families of the troops out there," Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) said in a conference call convened by the campaign of Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.). "It is the most important thing in the world to them that they come home."

But most U.S. troops on the ground disagree with Kerry. “Fuck! I don’t want to go home to no goddamn $6.00 or $8.00 a gallon gasoline. I got a cherry 2001 8 cylinder RAM pick up with a 6.1 hemi sitting over my grandma’s still outside Butt Fuck, Missouri and fuck if I don’t want to drive it before the whole fuckin’ Midwest once again becomes an ancient, prehistoric lake. But damned if I’ll be able to do it at $8.00 fucking dollars a gallon. That kinda shit keeps me up at night and puts me in a foul baby killing mood when I’m out on patrol. Oh, by the way. I think its very important that Americans get to keep their immunity from prosecution here. Maybe, we could have a little leeway when we get back to stateside too, if we fuckin’ ever get back. I mean, it’s OK for McCain and Cheney to blow it out their asses about us dumb shits staying, but this is not Japan, Germany, the Philippines, Vietnam or Korea. Pussy is hard to come by here unless you rape an enlisted sister, Dick. Cut a player a break man. I bet you going down on your bitch every night, Lynn. Man that bitch is fine. And all those bitches up in there in your bunker under the Naval Observatory. I know why yo’ lips flap like sheets on the line when you talk. A brother needs a shorty every onest in while hisself. You feel me, asshole.”

Susan Rice, a senior foreign policy adviser to Obama, accused McCain of "a real disturbing pattern of confusing the basic facts of Iraq as well as wearing mismatched socks and mistakenly calling the Prime Minister of Iraq Neville Chamberlain whenever referring to the negotiations on eternal U.S. bases in Iraq."

Randy Scheunemann, the McCain campaign's top national security adviser, said Democrats are twisting McCain's comments to cover up their failure to acknowledge U.S. military gains are measured by potential oil gains in Iraq.

"This is another partisan attempt to distort John McCain's words. McCain’s a sick old man. Why would you do that? Ronald Reagan fucked up all the time and nobody that mattered ever came down on him. Are you trying to tell me that John McCain is more of a diseased senile old idiot than Ronald Reagan. PLEASE! Stop trying to distract the American people from the fact that John McCain from the perspective of dipshits like me has been courageous and right about the surge in Iraq, and Barack Obama has unfortunately been consistently wrong," said Sen. Joseph I. Lieberman (I-Conn.). “I don’t think you’ll find an Iraqi who believes the surge has worked except as a pretext for getting stinking white asses of the Americans out of their country, but that’s beside the point. I’m and AIPAC whore.”

But beneath the jousting lay a fundamental issue: the shape of long-term U.S. strategic and military policy in the Middle East. Responding to a complaint by Senate Armed Services Committee Chairman Carl M. Levin (D-Mich.) and Sen. John W. Warner (R-Va.) the administration sent officials from the State Department, the National Security Council and the Pentagon to Capitol Hill on Tuesday to briefly lie to Senate Armed Services Committee members and Senate Foreign Relations Committee staff on the Iraq negotiations.

Lieberman, who aids insist has always been full of shit, attended the briefing, took the administration position and crammed it up his ass sidewise much to the amusement of the gathered audience of reporters and career political pederasts. "Unless either of these agreements includes a specific and automatic commitment to come to defense of another country if there is an attack on it, like we have with Japan and our NATO allies, then these agreements do not have to be submitted to the Senate. They’re just a bunch of backroom deals been wealthy Iraqis and a few dozen American corporations who have stood by Dick Cheney with their guns drawn and the tips of their dicks slimey," Lieberman said, speaking on a McCain campaign conference call. "They're not treaties in that sense. They’re that peculiar American mixture of business and bestiality."

Other lawmakers, both Democrats and Republicans, have countered that a declaration outlining the "framework" agreement, signed by faux President Bush and Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki last fall, committed the United States to defend Iraq against external and internal threats in other words Committed the U.S. to defend Iraq against the U.S. Fucking sounds like Bush, doesn’t it. In a letter to Bush in January, Obama wrote that the negotiations appear aimed at "an agreement binding on future Administrations and Congresses."

"That suggests to the American people and to all the world that you envision an American occupation of Iraq for decades to come while you suck that country dry," Obama concluded.

Dick Cheney responded personally, “You bet, nigger.”

In a letter to the U.N. Security Council, Iraqi Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari made it clear yesterday that his government remains committed to striking a deal that would provide a U.S. role in its own self-immolation in Iraq sometime next year. Although Iraqi security forces have made strides in pretending to be taking over from the Americans, they are not ready for prime time," he wrote in a letter obtained by The Washington Post. Zebari said Iraq “That when the time comes Iraqis of all stripes will rise up and slaughter the infidel invader in their beds and the Americans can withdraw in a sea of body bags.”

Last week, Kerry, Senate Foreign Relations Committee Chairman Joseph R. Biden Jr. (D-Del.) and Republican Sens. Richard G. Lugar (Ind.) and Chuck Hagel (Neb.) wrote their own letter, demanding that the administration share the text of the draft agreements and commit that the final draft be provided to the Foreign Relations Committee before it is concluded with the Iraqi government. But Halliburton denied the request.

Yesterday, following McCain's comments, the issue burst into the presidential campaign like McCain’s bladder after a McDonald’s sweet tea.

"Having watched the cocksuckers in this administration for 7 years, there's no deep irony here, which is that the discussion of the status-of-force agreement in Iraq deeply involves the Iraqi parliament, and the discussion on the American side doesn't give the American people the same kind of involvement," said former Navy secretary Richard Danzig, an Obama national security adviser. The Iraqi government has said it will submit any agreement that enriches its members beyond their wildest and most traitorous dreams.

The House has already passed legislation that would force the agreements to be submitted to Congress, but the Senate has not followed suit. Webb said Democratic senators hashed out the issue, trying to find the appropriate legislative vehicle. It could come back up on a defense policy bill due on the Senate floor in the coming weeks.

"The debate in Baghdad is finally beginning to reverberate in Washington," Webb said. “But the bombing and carnage is still limited to Baghdad.”


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