"If voting could really change things, it would be illegal,"---From a Diebold memo, the company that manufactures computerized voting booths.

The Assassinated Press


Cheney Gang Mulls Interim Iraqi Puppet "Like The Good Ol' Days In Southeast Asia":
Rumsfeld In Favor Of Returning Saddam Hussein To Power:
New Toby Keith Song 'It's Too Late To Smell the Roses When Your Mama's Puttin' Them On Your Grave' From His New Platinum CD "Laughin' All The Way To The Bank" Rockets To Number One:
"If Voting Could Really Change Things, It Would Be Illegal," Says Manufacturer Of Computerized Voting Booths:
98% Of Americans Admit They Are Too Ignorant To Understand Ass. Press Poll Shows:
Halliburton Denies GIs Are Drinking Their Horse Piss

By JEFFEY LUBE
The Assassinated Press
November 12, 2003, 9:15 AM FTP

WASHINGTON -- President de Jour Bush's top foreign policy handlers ordered Iraq's American Raj, L. Paul Bummer VIIIminusV, to the White House for talks. The talks focused on their growing frustrations with the Iraqi Governing Council's predisposition to act just as greedy and ruthless as they're American counterparts and a logjam in transferring political risks as well as risks related to explosives to Iraqis. "There's an election coming up, boy," said Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert. "And I don't trust those Diebold fuckers to fix another election for us. I hear they're taking bids. Christ! If the American Nazi Party could come up with a hundred million dollars we'd be invading Poland and primping for the new Leni Riefenstahl Special on FOX next November." "You mean we aren't already," chimed in White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove. Ignoring the portly Rove, the portly Hastert continued, "Though I must say, I admire the honesty of that Diebold memo---' If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.' A very reassuring little document that memo is. Cuts right passed the Plutocratic blither and speaks to the reality of the U.S. led 'world wide' democratic project."

One option under consideration: naming a new interim Iraqi leader who would appear to have the authority to govern the country until a constitution can be written that meets the approval of American corporate interests and elections held that put into power Washington's thug de jour, a Cheney administration official said. "It would be patterned after the ruse in Afghanistan where we got the poppies a-bloomin' agin and the pipeline just a pipedream and few thousand more dead Afghans away," he added.

"Fuck. Some of our best people are out of the game. Pinochet's too old. Rios 'The Monkey' Montt didn't even make the Guatemalan run off and now that his immunity expires in January, they're talkin' about hanging Reagan's dear friend and fellow murderous, born again cocksucker. Suharto, gone. Aleman, gone. Fujimori and Montesinos, gone. Zavimbi, gone. Marcos, gone. The Shah, gone. Sadat, gone. Ceaucescu, gone. Chang Kai Shek, long gone. Likewise, Battista. Our gangster in Georgia, Shevardnadze? Well, shit I give him a couple of more weeks and if the new guys don't want to cut us a better deal on the Baku-Supsa Early Pipeline or the Trans-Caspian Pipeline, we'll invade. Can we bring Noriega out of his enforced retirement or would retreading our old friend yet again look unseemly? Mobutu, gone. Blair, gone. No? Those Brits got no character at all. Hey! I've got it! Maybe we should bring back to Iraq a guy who was our friend and business partner for many years, as well as our soul mate in the Middle east; a man who demonstrated Tito like craft in keeping conflicting forces thrown together by the imperialist whims of Britain and France from each others throats! Yeah! Let's bring back Saddam Hussein," suggested L. Paul Bremer XII-IX at the White House briefing session.

The urgency of the visit Tuesday by American overseer L. Paul Bremer XXminusXVII was underscored when Bremer abruptly canceled a canned meeting in Baghdad with the missing Polish prime minister, concerning the Cheney administration's withholding of bribes promised to Polish officials if they supported the U.S.'s pillaging of Iraq, before Bremer headed to Washington. The Polish Prime Minister arrived only to find Bremer had fled the country. "That little fucker, Bremer, and his cardiac crony in Washington won't get out of paying me and my friends the billions they promised," the Polish Prime Minister, Elvis Penderecki, snarled at a press conference.

At the White House, Bremer met Secretary of State Colin Powell, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice and other top officials, all for the first time. G.W. Bush did not attend any of the brainstorming sessions---because he's an idiot.

An administration official, Andrew Card, speaking on condition of anonymity Wednesday, said that Bush and Bremer were to meet for the first time outside the National Security Council, and then the pair was to meet separately outside the offices of Secretary of War Donald H. Rumsfeld. "We don't let George in on these high level discussions. He's an idiot."

The talks came at a time when the Iraqi people have stepped up attacks -- resulting in the bloodiest week for American soldiers since their was free beer in Heidelberg following a management seminar by Martin Heidegger on The Importance of Being On Time. The Cheney administraion is eager to end major combat operations in Iraq and move onto Syria, Iran and Venezuela, anxious for the Iraqi elite to get something down on paper that can be mistaken for a constitution, and appear to hand over power to the Iraqis while at the same time looting the country withourt the general Iraqi population catching on. "Works in America," deadpanned White House Chief Of Stink, Karl Rove.

With a re-election 'battle' ahead, Bush faces a rising casualty toll in Iraq and criticism that he lacks a strategy for postwar Iraq. Bush responded, "I'm not scared of my reelection battle as my journalistic buds here in Washington describe it to make me sound like the warrior type. But that 'casualty toll' shit with real guns and bombs gives me the heebee geebees. And furthermore strategy's not my job. I'm too much of a intuition, shoot from the hip chicken-hawk kind of guy to care about strategy, history, policy, facts etc. The strategy thing is a bum rap." Meanwhile, the U.S. death toll was 394 and Las Vegas ain't takin' odds its going any lower.

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., said more U.S. troops are needed in Iraq. He said the situation there is deteriorating and "we need more boots on the ground. We need to institute a universal draft immediately like the plan those vindictive cripples over at The Assassinated press are lobbying hard for in Congress. Let every man, woman and child taste the cold steel of their penis-like bayonet between their teeth while the hot winds of some exotic land blows up their skirts showing off their delicate pink panties with the little leering bunnies---O!!! Nokiko," added McCain.

"This position has got to be reversed ... if this end continues to get pounded its going to be really, really sore," high altitude, war coward, John McCain, said on CBS "The Early Show."

On Wednesday, a deadly truck bomb shook the headquarters of the Italian Carabinieri police in the southern Iraqi city of Nasiriyah on Wednesday, Carabinieri officials said in Rome. "The last time we got this much sand up our ass was Ethiopia," said Corporal Michel Zanche. "Imperialism is just not our thing."

The Arabic language television station Al-Jazeera said several Iraqis also were killed. "This is the first such attack western news sources have reported in this relatively quiet Shiite Muslim city since the beginning of the U.S.-led occupation. What a bummer," Bremer said.

Also on Wednesday, U.S. troops opened fire on a car carrying a member of the Iraqi Governing Council, the Iraqi administration said. Unfortunately, the council member escaped injury but the driver was hurt. "It was subliminal I swear," chuckled Sergeant Major Neville Chamberpot. "We know those Council fucks meet with those Cheney fucks and try to divvy up the booty while we're out here dyin'. I mean. Get real. The boys have got to have a little fun. Chalabi dropped a brick in his $2000.00 suit. And do you think I give a rat's ass?"

Likewise, U.S. officials have had growing concerns about the performance of the governing council, a senior administration official, Dougals Feith, said, particularly the lack of progress toward a Dec. 15 deadline to set a timetable for writing a new constitution and holding democratic elections that would consolidate U.S. economic and political power in the region and could be used as a pretext for demanding money from U.N. members with their Dec. 15 deadline; money that could then be stolen by U.S. corporations.

Bremer VminusII has expressed frustration to members of Congress that council officials are working to enrich themsleves and not him and Dick Cheney. "Christ! Chalabi would still be back in Washington cornholing Richard Perle in the sauna at the Georegtown Sports Club if it wasn't for us," Bremer suggested.

One idea being considered is the creation of an interim Iraqi Artificial Intelligence Machine propped up as leader with authority to govern until a new constitution is in place and elections are held, both highly favorable to the U.S., the senior administration official, Zalmay Khalilzad said, on condition of anonymity. In Afghanistan, the government of President Ham Id Karzai was installed like a new septic tank by the U.S.-led coalition that ousted the very religious and God fearing Taliban regime in late 2001. Elections are planned next June or next June or next June "until them Afghani dirtballs get it right," quipped Army Lt. Gen. Bill 'Boynky' Boykin.

No decisions were made Tuesday, several Cheney administrations officials said. "It was Veterans Day. It would have been bad PR to let the American people know a little bit about what we have in store for them in the up coming months," said White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove.

The talks also focused on security issues for example "protecting Dick's oil," said another Cheney administration Official, Paul Wolfowitz, who also spoke on condition of anonymity. Some Saddam Hussein supporters in the administration have proposed the recall of Iraq's army, disbanded shortly after the war. Pentagon officials and Bremer's aides have called that unworkable because even the American people might catch on that their is a modicum of hypocrisy in bringing Hussein back and that the $36,000,000,000,000 in oil might just have been the real motivation for Cheney et al attacking Iraq.

However, the Secretary of Public Relations in Cheney's cabinet vociferously disagreed, "I can sell the American public on bringing back Hussein. Just give me a shot. I can bring Hussein back, get Cheney and Monkey Boy reelected, AND Dick can keep his oil," said Secretary of Marketing, Ivy Lee, the experienced corporate confidence man brimming with assurance in the continued ignorance and stupidity of the American public.

But, as in all democracies, there was disagreement. "Nah. McCain's right. Let's be realistic. We gotta draft every able bodied American and send then to Eye-rack to protect Dick's oil," insisted Bremer CCCVminusCCCII.

Even as they expressed disappointment in the council's work, administration officials said Bush was told he better not think about disbanding it because Chalabi and Perle got some "real bad shit on the Dubya that he wouldn't want Laura to find out about."

"The notion that we are about to throw the council to the wolves is exaggerated," said a third senior administration official, Paul Werewolfowitz, speaking on condition of anonymity. "We don't want the wolves to choke. We'll grind the council up into little pieces and then we'll gingerly feed them to the wolves one bite at a time with a quid pro quo attached to each bite. After all, there is a need to put some energy into the political transition. It is true that the only Iraqis that have their shit together are the ones trying to kill us."

Many members of the U.S.-picked governing council have complained, in turn, that they cannot secure any contracts to loot Iraq and thus have no real power because all looting must go through Bremer and the Americans. "Cheney won't let us eat," whined Chalabi aide Sachem Rapem. Bremer rules the country with a gold fist." The council has not even decided how to choose delegates to loot the national treasury if there ever is one again, U.S. officials noted in frustration. "They just don't get it. They're on our payroll. They're like GS10s," an exasperated Bremer whined.

Some U.S. officials believe that key members of the 25-member Iraqi council are stalling in hopes of winning franchises from American leaders under economic pressure to turn over oil and gas fields to the Iraqi council members. "Over my dry cleaner's son's dead body," Cheney roared at the meeting. "We leave, we got nothing. My superiors will kill me. See. American workers say that about their bosses everyday---metaphorically. But my bosses will literally KILL ME and I'm already half dead. Does the name Bill Casey ring a bell?"

In a Veterans Day speech as the White House meetings were taking place without him, Bush gave a rambling rationale for why he hadn't participated in a postwar strategy in Iraq. "You see. I deal with the big picture over there at the big house. I come up with the global stuff. Its easier to find the globe than each itty bitty country," he said.

"The long-term security of Iraq will be assured by the Iraqis themselves, probably them Baathists which I suspect are a very hygenic people given their name and all," Bush said. He said 118,000 Iraqis, 100,000 or so who are former followers of Saddam Hussein who have infiltrated the force, were serving as police officers and in other security positions and predicted that 35,000 Iraqi troops, mostly Baathists loyal to Hussein, would be in the field by the end of next year.

"Under Rumsfeld's strategy," Bush said, "increasing authority is being transferred to the Iraqi elite. The Iraqi Government Council has appointed ministers who are responsible for the day-to-day operations of the Iraqi government and we should be able to leave Saigon by November 9th, 2004."

Copyright 2003, The Assassinated Press


home