The Assassinated Press
Saddam Hussein Kills Bruce Willis
Matinee Idol No Match For Real Thing
By JEFFEY LUBE
The Assassinated Press
Tikrit, Iraq--- He had just finished his stirring rendition of the Connie Francis hit, Where the Boys Are before 10,000 American occupation forces in Telelar when actor/singer Bruce Willis told the grunts, "If you capture Saddam Hussein, give me four seconds with him."
Well, as it turned out, Willis's next stop was the Saddam stronghold and hometown of Tikrit. After some coaxing and cajoling, Willis, in fatigues and full body armor, went out on a routine patrol with Weekend Warrior Company through the main market called Little Big Horn when none other than Saddam Hussein emerged from a group of date peddlers. Unarmed and naked from the waist up, the former Iraqi dictator 'called out' Mr. Willis while the G.I.'s urged the nervous actor/singer to "go git him like you done did in Diehard." But when Willis got within a few feet of the former dictator and puppet of the U.S., Saddam lunged, got Willis in a stranglehold, snapped his neck like a strand of linguini and ripped out his wind pipe with his reading glasses. Willis died instantly.
"What the fuck did he expect," said Corporal Dell Doe of Fort Peach, Louisiana pointing to the blood drained star of Diehard, Diehard II, Diehard III and Blind Date. "Bare hands or no bare hands, Saddam has killed tens of thousands of people. He's right up there with murdering fucks like Cheney and Rumsfeld who sent me here."
"I think Mr. McClane, I mean Mr. Willis confused his movie roles with the real thing," mused Colonel Edward "Eddie" Germiser. "He got caught up in his own fantasy like Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Feith, Kristol and Perle. Bling-bling will do that. Makes you think you're invulnerable."
Willis's ex-wife, actress/stripper Demi Moore, said she doesn't want Willis's body shipped back to the States "in that condition." So Willis's corpse will be buried at an undisclosed site inside Iraq, a country the actor/rock diva said he had come to love as his own during his 10 hour stay.
Back at the recruitment station in Beverly Hills California, Sgt. John Wayne was despondent. "Damn, Bruce was one of our best poster boys for indenture. We play Diehard movies here around the clock. Attracts the young simpletons like flies. Nothing's as good for recruitment as a 35 millimeter, dolbyized, digitized illusion named after a car battery."
"It was pretty funny," said Private Jack Waters. "We knew that little, white boy, pussy actor would get his ass torched in a one on one with SadDAM. So we called Defense Intel and told them to get that pit bull, Saddam, over here. He caught sight of that little, poodle actor. And that was that."
"That rich, chicken shit, Hollywood cunt, Willass, thought he could come over here and blow it out his butt bong, giving us all this sentimental, patriotic, macho horseshit because he thinks we're so stupid we're going to do his fighting for him. If Cheney comes here we're gonna make HIM strip down and go one on one with Rumsfeld's former business partner, Saddam Hussein. We're gonna make that limp dick Cheney earn his $36,000,000,000,000,000 in oil," said Corporal Mickey Knox.
"You couldn't even get odds on Willis," bemoaned Corporal Robert 'Putzy' Rodriguez who runs the daily pool on how many Iraqi civilians the coalition forces will manage to gun down. "But then again, its been slow around here and this helped pass the time. I hear there sending Sly Stallone over here next."
my copy right or wrong The Assassinated Press 9/27/03