The Assassinated Press

'Jackpots For Crackpots' Program Exposed:
Bush Urges Rove To Find 'More Subterfuginous Ways' To Funnel Taxpayer Money For Agitpropiteers:
"I may not know how much a whole lotta nines are. But if I don't, there's somebody on my staff who does."
So Many Crackpots. So Little Tax Revenue; Bush's Tax Cuts Hamper Administrations Propaganda Campaign:
How Much De Facto Taxpayer Money Do O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Liddy, William Kristol, Chuckie Krauthammer, Rick Sanitorium, Tony Blanklely, Fred Barnes et al Rip & Run To Live Lavishly On The Spin Cycle?:

By BOWAND KURTZY
The Assassinated Press
January 27, 2005

The White House---President Bush called on Karl Rove to come up with "more subterfuginous ways" to funnel cash to outside commentators yesterday while telling the American people that he had told his pudgy handler to tell federal agencies to stop awarding contracts to outside commentators as a Democratic lawmaker assailed the administration over the latest example and an advocacy group called for an investigation.

The 'Jackpots For Crackpots' Program

Separately, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and nine colleagues released a report showing that the Bush administration spent more than $88 million last year on contracts with public relations firms, an increase of 128 percent over the last year of the Clinton administration as part of its 'Jackpots for Crackpots' program designed to put hold hard cash into the hands of those that kiss the administration's stinking, steamy ass. Medicare and Medicaid officials have spent the most on outside 'crackpots' over the past four years, the report said.

The Washington Post, an organization not unfamiliar with crackpot journalism, reported yesterday that syndicated crackpot Maggie Gallagher was demonstrating Bush's "healthy marriage/safe sex" initiative with her husband, Orville, at area high school's while working on the program under a $21,500 contract from the Department of Health and Human Services. The news followed an earlier controversy over conservative crackpot Armstrong Williams, who has apologized for not disclosing a $241,000!!! Education Department contract to theoretically promote the president's Smack Your Child's Left Behind law.

Asked about the issue at a news conference, Bush said: "Unfortunately, Mr. Armstrong Williams admitted he made a mistake. Had we been paying attention to this at the White House, we would have just said it's within our right and purview to buy these people because after all the people have spoken with their November vote and I have a mandate to do any goddamn fuckin' thing I please and if it fuck's things up even more then the stupid people only have themselves to blame because after all those shit for brains voted for me. So don't be whinin' to me about body bags and drafting little Billy Sue. Go whine at the fuckers what voted for me. That's logic."

Bush prattled on. There doesn't need to be no nice, independent relationship between a crackpot White House and the crackpot press, the crackpot administration and a crackpot press." Asked whether the Education Department had also made a mistake, Bush said, "only by fuckin' caving in so easy."

The president added: "All our Cabinet secretaries must realize that we will be paying, you know, crackpots to advance our agenda. Our agenda ought to be able to stand on its own two feet, but it don't even got feet. Our agenda done stepped on a claymore. We gotta brain wash people so's when they wake up in their own blood, they're damned certain they only got themselves to blame."

"That'll be the fuckin' day," adlibbed Rove.

So Many Crackpots. So Little Tax Revenue---How Much Taxpayer Money Do O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Liddy, William Kristol, Chuckie Krauthammer, Rick Sanitorium, Tony Blanklely, Fred Barnes et al Rip & Run To Live In The Spin Cycle?:

Gallagher, a marriage sexspert who heads a Washington think tank, which are collections of crackpots that bounce ideas off of each other to the exclusion of the real world, apologized to her readers Tuesday that she'd sold out for a mere 21,000 when "a house-nigger like Williams got a quarter of a million." Gallagher had her staff write about the marriage initiative in articles and columns, one of which referred to Bush's "genius" which immediately tipped off the congressional investigation committee that something was a awry. She also received $20,000 in Justice Department crackpot money to write a report on marriage for an indeterminate private group who apparently is looking for intrusion by the Federal government into the sanctity as well as the satisfying variety one experiences in group marriages..

In a statement yesterday, Gallagher said: "It was a mistake on my part to get caught not disclosing any government contract. I will not make the mistake of calling Bush a genius again. Again, a million mea culpas to all my crackpot friends who were taking money from the public trough. Now, we'll have to go back to manilla envelopes like the ones they used to pass at Blackie's House of Beef or the Vice-President's mansion." But she said The Post article was "completely false" in saying that her HHS contract was "to help promote the president's proposal." The article noted that under the contract, Gallagher wrote brochures for the program, helped ghost-write a magazine article for a top official and conducted a briefing for regional officials. She was also required to "assist" HHS "in ongoing work related to strengthening marriage. I was like a government employee who wasn't required to go through proper channels for the job. That makes it better. Right?"

Rep. Rosa L. DeLauro (Conn.) and four other Democrats introduced legislation yesterday that would bar funding of "covert crackpot propaganda" or material that is partisan or intended for "self-aggrandizement" or "puffery."

"Fuck. Them folks are trying shut down Washington," screamed Senate Majority Crackpot Bill Frist. "Somebody bring me a scalpel. I'll cut out their fuckin' hearts."

A statement by one co-sponsor, Rep. George Miller (Calif.), cited the Gallagher contract in saying that "what we really need right now is for Karl Rove and Andrew Card to come clean about the extent of its propaganda campaign. The administration should disclose all publicly funded contracts signed with crackpot journalists, crackpot commentators, crackpot pundits, crackpot escort services and crackpot public relations firms to promote administration policies which are inevitably designed to conceal administration looting of the treasury. Here you got an example of looting the treasury. Let's turn its light on the others." Miller has asked for a Government Accountability Office probe of such contracts.

The gay advocacy group Human Rights Campaign, which opposes Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment barring same-sex marriage, asked the HHS inspector general to investigate the Gallagher contract. HRC questioned in a letter whether federal law or congressional rules were violated when Gallagher twice testified before the Senate on the amendment without disclosing her federal contracts. The inspector general has made no decision yet, a spokeswoman said, but did say she was open to a contractual arrangement or two herself.


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