"If you throw a stone into a pack of dogs, one of them will yelp."---V.I. Lenin


The Assassinated Press


U.N. Goes XXX:
Powell Makes Reference To "SHRINKAGE"
Urges 'Allies' To Remain Erect On Iraq:
Secretary Of State Disparages The Size
Of The French Ambassador's Pee-Pee:
De Villepin Calls Cheney 'Limp Dick' On North Korea:
U.S.: Iraq=Go In:
North Korea=Cave In

By GLAND KISSER AND COLUMN LYNCHMOBIUS
Assassinated Press Writers

Tuesday, January 21, 2003

UNITED NATIONS, Jan. 20 -- An angry and frustrated Colon Powell departed from his prepared script at the U.N. yesterday wildly gesticulating while repeatedly shouting "We must not shrink"... We must not shrink... We must not shrink..." an obvious reference to the dick size and stating power of the other members of the U.N. security council vis a vis U.S. attempts to stick it to Iraq. Powell punched the air with both arms and pounded the table with his legendary member. "Do not shrink from going into Iraq," he urged on obviously giving way to some long pent up urges surrounding the administrations failure to buy a coalition for the big snack on Iraq..

The machismo spurt took place as a result of France's suggestion that because its piece of the action in a post-apocalypse Iraq could not be assured, it would wage a major diplomatic fight, including possible use of its veto power, to prevent the U.N. Security Council from passing a resolution authorizing military action against Iraq.

"Its a fuckin' war zone down here. Everybody's wants their bloody chunk of the Iraqi carcass. The U.S. wants to be the Empyre to end all Empyres. The Turks want their oil fields back, the ones that the British lopped out off at the collapse of the Ottoman Empyre. The Brits want the U.S.'s scraps as do the Aussie's, the Canadians and all the pasty bits of the former British Empyre. The French and the Russians don't want their current oil contracts with Iraq fucked up. But barring that they want big money for going along. I told the U.S. they shoulda gone after Saudi Arabia. Its the only piece of meat in the region big enough to feed all the lions that would come to the kill," observed Orville Harryman. "Now Powell has turned it into who's got the biggest dick."

As though sucked up into the sexual subtext the Washington Post reported, "France's opposition to a war, emphatically delivered here by Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin, is a MAJOR BLOW for the Cheney/Bush administration, which has begun POURING tens of thousands of TROOPS INTO the Persian GULF in preparation [H] for a military conflict this spring. The administration had hoped to mark the final phase in its POSITIONing to THRUST into Iraq when U.N. weapons inspectors DELIVER its diagnostic test results ON Iraq on Monday. "Wouldn't want any of those boys to go in there and catch the biological equivalent of the clap," said Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Dickey Myers. "My daddy named me after the hairy hose, so I'm very sensitive to concerns about its health as well as its size. As you know our president is named after the other organ."

Again the Post, unable to swim against the undertow of their subliminal desires, wrote, "but in a diplomatic version of an am-BUSH, France and other countries used a high-level Security Council meeting on terrorism to LAY down their markers for the debate carving up the spoils that will commence next week on the inspectors' test report. Russia and China, which have veto power, and Germany, which will chair the Security Council in February, also signaled today they were willing to inspect Iraq for months searching every hidden place, every nook and cranny.

Only Britain, that tiny, grotesque head sprouting from the right shoulder of the U.S., appeared to openly support the U.S. position that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein has thwarted effective PENETRATION of his SUPPL[E][TH]I[GH]ES of WMD.

"If comparing the size of our meat missiles is the only way Mr. Powell can find to resolve this problem, we are pushing forward into SADDAM'S[SODOMY] dead end," de Villepin, which means many little pricks in French, told reporters. "Already we know for a fact that Iraq's weapons of mass destruction programs are blocked, even frozen. How can I get it up using this vocabulary?"

The United Nations, he said, should stay "on the path of cooperative co-optation. The other choice is to move forward out of unbridled greed over a situation in Iraq to move towards military intervention. We believe that today nothing we have been offered justifies envisaging military action."

Secretary of State Colon L. Powell, in the face of such comments, departed from his prepared text on terrorism and ordered his colleagues to remember that the Security Council resolution passed unanimously Nov. 8 gave Iraq "a last chance" to meet its obligations. "We must not SHRINK from our duties and our responsibilities when the material comes before us next week," Powell said. He used a variation of the phrase "must not SHRINK" three more times as he addressed the council.

"It was quite biblical. I mean 'SHRINKING' is the worst," commented one observer.

"Are you suggesting I'm impotent? Are you saying I can't pull the trigger?" shot back de Villepin going for his zipper.

During the weeks of debate on the Iraq resolution, French officials had indicated they were open to some sort of military intervention if the U.S. offered them a more favorable quid pro quo. But now the French appear to have set much higher hurdles for support. As de Villepin said, "How can I get excited, you know, get it up, over the dollar figures that stingy bastard Cheney has been authorized to offer by the handers of the U.S. corporate state.

RISING OP-POSITION to war, particularly in France, appears to have played a role in the hardening positions on the Security Council. But appearances can be deceiving especially when reported in the Washington Post because all the proletarian penis in Paris doesn't carry an ounce of weight when billions are dangled before the French elite. Foreign officials are also aware of polls in the United States suggesting that support for a war drops dramatically if the Cheney administration lets it slip out that when they steal the oil gas prices in the U.S. will go higher anyway.

While the United Nations was the size of their quid pro quos to their dicks today, U.S. military officials announced that the Army is sending a force of about 37,000 soldiers, SPEARHEADED by the TEXAS[S]-based 4th Infantry Division, to the Persian GULF region. It is the largest ground force identified among an estimated 125,000 U.S. troops ordered to deploy since Christmas Eve. "Of course, once you get that many American troops clogging up your plumbing, how do you get them out? Maybe that's the fall back position. The consolation prize if they can't pull the wholesale slaughter thing off," speculated K-rations manufacturer, Mel Tomain.

At the United Nations, several foreign ministers said a war in Iraq would SPAWN more terrorist acts around the globe and, in the words of Germany's JOSCHKA FISCHEY, have "disastrous consequences for long-term regional stability code for oppression on the citizenry by proxies while the international business community carts off the wealth."

"Terrorism is far from having outlived its usefulness," said Russian Foreign Minister Igor Ivanov. "We must be careful not to take unilateral steps that might threaten the viability of hysteria causing terrorism, both real and imagined. In this context, unless we see a substantial hike in our share, we are strictly in favor of a political settlement of the situation revolving around Iraq unless it can be replaced with the Taliban and Al-Queda like the U.S. did in Afghanistan."

Powell replied: "We cannot fail to take the action that may be necessary because we are afraid of what others might do. We cannot be shocked into IMPOTENCE because we are afraid of the difficult choices that are ahead of us. You're not getting a penny more, you fuckin' kraut."

But when the foreign ministers emerged from the council debate on how to cut up Iraq and addressed reporters, it appeared that Powell's insults had made little impact. Although President 'Monkey Boy' George BUSH said last week he was "sick and tired of games and deception. No more board games. I'm sick of Clue and Monopoly. Let me actually do something," Fischer said the strip search of Iraq were a success. "When I saw those oil fields, I went bolt upright," said Fischer.

"Iraq has complied fully with all relevant resolutions and cooperated very closely with the U.N. team on the ground," Fischer said. "We think things are moving in the right direction, based on the efforts of the inspection team, and [they] should have all the time which is needed." "No more money, pal," shot back Powell.

Chinese Foreign Minister Tang Jiaxuan said Monday's report should be regarded as a "new beginning" rather than an end to inspections. The chief weapons inspectors "have been talking about that there is more work to do in terms of the inspections and they need more time. I think we should respect their opinion and support their work." "You're not getting a 'red' cent more than we negotiated," shot back Powell.

De Villepin, in a lengthy and theatrical news conference, was asked whether France would use its veto power to thwart Washington's campaign for quick action. He said France "will shoulder its responsibilities, faithful to the principal it wants out of the razing of Iraq and hopeful for the interest that that principal should have accrue."

France would never "associate ourselves with military intervention that is not supported by the international community," de Villepin quipped. I know what you are thinking---Algeria, Vietnam. "I'm just making zee little joke to break the tension. But unless we get our money, we think that military intervention would be the worst possible solution."

France, as chair of the Security Council this month, had organized today's meeting on terrorism in part to draw attention to its contention that the Iraq situation has detracted from the more pressing need to confront the lack of new documentaries about Jerry Lewis.

De Villepin reacted coolly to suggestions, made by senior Bush administration officials Sunday, that Hussein and his top advisers be offered political asylum outside Iraq to avert a war. "The problem is something more difficult than a question of change of regime. We, meaning the U.S. and us supplied Saddam with the WMD. If we make that the center piece of his exile one day they will prepare a noose for us at the Hague" he said. "Let us not be diverted from our objective. It is to steal Iraqi oil."

U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan also indirectly criticized the prospect of war when he addressed the council on terrorism. "Any sacrifice of freedom or the rule of law within states -- or any generation of new disputes between states in the name of anti-terrorism -- is to hand the terrorists a victory that no act of theirs could possibly bring," he said, alluding to frequent U.S. assertions that the confrontation with Iraq is part of the larger war on terrorism. "I mean, the way you guys at the U.S. State Department are "sacrific[ing] freedom or the rule of law within" Venezuela in your pusch to steal that oil should tell you that you don't want the same sort of destruction of your own interests."

The only sign of support for the U.S. position came from its closest ally, Britain. Foreign Secretary Jack STRAW said "time was running out" for Hussein and his "cat and mouse" game. But Straw, also known as 'Minister Named After Something, Small and Hollow That You Suck On,' added that Britain, powerless to demand otherwise, is satisfied with its quid pro quo for its up coming role in the Iraqi slaughter.

"Iraq has a responsibility now to avoid a conflict, to avoid a war," an eerily incoherent Powell told reporters. "There is no question that Iraq continues to feel confused by the lose/lose POSITION it finds itself in.

"If the United Nations is going to be relevant, in other words get a taste of the Iraqi booty" he added, "it has to take a FIRM stand by using a FIRM hand."

my copy right or wrong 2003 AssAssinated Press


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