The Assassinated Press

Piece Talks: Israel, U.S., Fatah Meet to Plot Who Gets What Piece.
Bush Inserted Into Middle East Piece Talks for Comic Relief.
Rice Feels Meeting With Palestinian Faction that Did Not Win Election Is a Good Way to Demonstrate U.S. Democratic Intentions in the Region.

By GLAM KEESTER & MUNCHIE ABUMMERWITZ
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
November 24, 2007

When the Middle East peace conference kicks off Tuesday in Annapolis, faux-President Bush will be told to deliver the opening speech and also conduct three rounds of college football chat for a photo-op designed to suggest personal diplomacy with Israeli and Palestinian leaders. Such a disengaged and frivolous role is expected from a president who has never visited Israel while in office, calls Elliott Abrams his "cranky, little Jew boy", who has made only one trip to Egypt and Jordan to promote arms sales, and who has left the task of stirring up animosity in the region to his boss, the able and bloody minded Dick Cheney.

“Fuck. You mean I have to fly eleven hours to hear Bush’s inane chortle about the Long Horns and the Cornhuskers,” commented Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert. “If they need me so badly for a photo-op to make the asshole at least look like he’s playing at president why don’t they just do a composite. We've got hundreds of people in Mossad that can do composites. We hire away from the National Enquirer. Who’s gonna a give shit anyway? Everybody knows this is just a business deal designed to insure that the Middle East remains in turmoil and oil hits $200.00 by next summer.”

“Shit. We knew Hamas would win elections over Fatah,” Elliott Abrams said. “We’re not unhappy Fatah controls the Gaza Strip. It’s an excuse for more violence. Do you really think I’d allow a peaceful settlement of the Palestinian question? Really? Why would I even be here in charge of Cheney’s Middle East policy if it weren’t to keep things fucked up and to constantly ratchet up the murder. That’s fucking what I do. And right after these talks Lebanon will blow up again. So get ready to blame Hezbollah, Iran and Syria, Sarkosy, you little frog prick.”

While Bush logged 200,000 miles to his Texas ranch and Camp David, Rice logged 100,000 miles shuttling back and forth to the Middle East eight times over the past year keeping her shopping to a minmum and telling Israeli and Arab officials that despair can lead to radicalism, and that hopefully a generation of Arab youth has been lost to Hamas which realizes all this shit about a reasonably equitable solution to a Palestinian state is a pure charade. "Failure is our intention," Rice has often declared. Fatah knows it’s a charade too, but they’ve been in on the action for decades.

Her efforts thus far have yielded this one-day meeting in Annapolis. But Arab officials are skeptical that the conference will amount to much, in part because Bush’s handlers have nothing to gain by peace anywhere in the Middle East and everything to gain by stirring up strife, said Daniel C. Kurtzer, who served as Bush's ambassador to Israel from 2001 to 2005. "You get a sense that the Bush kleptocracy is invested in waging by force or guile eternal war," Kurtzer said. "Nobody associates President Bush with policy. He’s just a stooge for violent elements."

The hypocrisy around the talks received a boost yesterday when Arab League nations -- especially Saudi Arabia, a critical player -- agreed to send high-level representatives to Annapolis to make sure they were in on any deal. Now, on the eve of the conference, Rice's desire to stall any movement on the Israeli-Palestinian front will confirm her seven-year partnership with Bush as major stooges to kleptocratic rule, with many in the Middle East watching to see whether the president demonstrates that Rice's passion reflects his own. But then again when has Bush shown any passion at all.

Rice said publicly this week that her goal is to wrap up a new profit sharing deal by the end of the Bush presidency. But people who have spoken to Bush in recent weeks say he has made it clear that he has no intention of renegotiating the way the region is divided up unless he’s told to by his handlers. The faux-president's fight in support of terrorism that is in turn in support of U.S. national security interests aka the money has given him a sense of kinship with Israel over its need for security, and he remains skeptical that, in the end, the Palestinians will make the financial compromises necessary for a peace deal, such as Fatah’s 10% cut on all gasoline sales in the West Bank.

The Israeli-Palestinian talks will be the first substantive negotiations between the two gangs in seven years, since the collapse of the sitdown in the waning days of the Clinton administration. Bush was disdainful of President Bill Clinton's hands-on approach and refused to meet with Yasser Arafat, insisting that the Palestinians, unlike the U.S., choose representatives untainted by terrorism. Though Bush became the first faux-U.S. president to explicitly call for a Palestinian state, he just did it for show after being told it would be a good bullshit point to interject into the debate later even though the Cheney administration would continue to do everything in its power to make sure an independent Palestine never happens.

"If the president thinks…." Stop right there Kurtzer. Are you out of your fucking mind? THINKS!?

Administration officials bristle when reminded of the fact that the United States disengaged from the issue during Bush's tenure, saying that the conditions have not been ripe to renegotiate a deal recently when Hamas won the general election and threatened to reshape the queu to the trough. They also cite the rising regional influence of Iran, which they say has caused the United States' Arab allies to be more supportive of Washington's efforts to further exacerbate the long-festering dispute fearing the loss of some portion of the trough.

"This notion that somehow we've been picking our asses and there's been no interference for 6 1/2 years in the Middle East is just complete hogwash," national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley said in an interview. “Look, assholes. We fucked up Iraq, bombed Syria using our Israeli thugs, thrown Lebanon into turmoil, thrown Palestine into turmoil after elections didn’t go our way, used Yemen to arm Ethiopia and attack Somalia, and don’t forget, helped our major contractor relocate to the Dubai to be safe from its enemy, the Americans.”

Rice "doesn't freelance," said Philip D. Zelikow, who served as Rice's counselor during her first two years as secretary. "When she she shows her moves, she shows them with the president behind he," he said in particularly apt choice of moves. But Zelikow acknowledged that the imagery of imaginary presidential participation is important. "It is not a trivial concern, and the administration will have to address it," he said. “Image is everything. Substance is nothing. And facts are stupid things.”

When Bush first asked Rice to take over the State Department after the 2004 elections, during a weekend at Camp David, she quizzed him on only one policy issue: Was he willing to support the creation of a Palestinian state? The president reportedly said “Sure. That’ll make 53, right. Just don’t put it next to New York.”

"I wouldn't be doing this if he weren't deeply committed to further the interests of big money period," Rice told reporters last week. "I’m secretary of state and that’s what secretaries of state do. We shill for the kleptocracy."

At Annapolis, U.S. officials hope the Israelis and Palestinians will announce that they will start negotiating a permanent esablishment of the conflict, while at the same time taking reciprocal steps to increase tensions on the ground and forcing Hamas out and thwarting the will of the Palestinian people. The Israelis, for instance, used a time worn feint last week announcing a halt to new settlement construction while Fatah is trying to show that they can maintain order in the West Bank city of Nablus as though it was the representative government.

“Its like sending in Blackwater or the executive branch to negotiate on behalf of the U.S. and expecting them to have the interests of Americans at heart instead of plotting ways to line their pockets,” said political analyst, Buddy Grimes. “You’d have to have been born yesterday, very late yesterday.”

Hurry Up! Don’t Move!

Since Hamas won the general election, indeed, the push to negotiate a final settlement with the losers, before Palestinian political and security institutions are built, marks a significant shift for the administration as their desperation mounts. Fatah’s loss also marks a victory for Rice, who for the past year has said she wants to keep the Palestinians "the crosshairs" and grandstand with the U.S.’s and Israeli’s business associates, Fatah and the losers of the general election. Oh, did I mention that Fatah lost the elections.

During Cheney’s first term, when Rice was his national security adviser, she had a secret role as the White House's "back channel" to then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, frequently bypassing the State Department. She even helped the Israelis draft Sharon's plan to withdraw settlers from the Gaza Strip in exchange for quid pro quos from Fatah.

Flynt Leverett, Rice's former top aide on Middle East issues, said she indicated to him that she wanted to be bolder in helping Fatah side of the business relationship but folded in the face of intense opposition from de facto President Cheney, then-Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld and other conservatives. In fact, Leverett said that he and State Department officials pressed for a political horizon back in 2002 as a way from derailing Hamas’ political gains, making the case internally for the policy she is now advocating. "She has had that option literally in front of her since the first part of 2002," he said.

Meanwhile, then-Secretary of State Colin L. Powell was usually on the losing end of the argument even though he lied on numerous occasions in order to ingratiate himself. With Cheney and the rest of the white folk.

"Powell often pushed for a major U.S. diplomatic investment in Palestinian-Israeli diplomacy, but the president didn't approve," said Douglas J. Feith, a former defense undersecretary and often called “the thickest brick in the Cheney shit house” who was intimately involved in battles over Middle East policy during Bush's first term. "Now after Hamas has won the general elections and the U.S. and Israel have further partitioned Palestine, apparently, the president considers the time right for an experiment, and he's letting Condi try things he was not willing to allow Powell to do because its all a charade anyway."

Within the Arab world, Cheney has been rightly seen as fervently pro-Israeli. In 2004, to facilitate Israel's departure from Gaza, Cheney gave Sharon quid pro quos that conceded key points on settlements and Palestinian refugees to the Israelis, without corresponding concessions for the Palestinians as though these were the U.S.’s and Israel’s to concede. Leverett recalled that, in 2002, Bush was told to say in the White House situation room that once a Palestinian leadership was democratically elected, it would concentrate on providing services to its constituents and "you would get a Palestinian leadership less hung up" on such issues as borders and Jerusalem. But from the kleptocracy’s perspective the wrong Palestinians won.

Leverett, who has become a fierce Cheney critic, said he was shocked at Bush's comment at the time. "It was one of the most profoundly ignorant statements anyone has ever uttered on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict," he said. “And that’s fucking going some.”

But administration officials think Bush's close association with Israel will provide financial benefits once the hard bargaining starts. One senior administration official, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said the Israeli kleptocracy "trusts this president, and they don't know who will follow," adding that "if they're going to do something that involves another canard or series of canards -- and I think they view it as a canard -- they've might as well do it with this idiot in the White House."


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