The Assassinated Press

SOOooiee!!! SOOooiee!!! WOOooo Pig!!! WOOooo Pig!!!
Liberal, Free Spending White House Claims Solution to the War is to Throw More Money at It.
Corporate Welfare Queens Belly Up to the Trough and Tool around in Their Version of a Coup De Ville— the Private Jet.
Increase In War Booty Sought.
$42 Billion Boost Would Raise 2008 Total to at the very least $190 Billion.

By IMKNOT JOSHING & ASSCOT TAYLOR
Assassinated Press Staff Writers
September 27, 2007

“SOOooiee!!! SOOooiee!!! WOOooo Pig!!! WOOooo Pig!!!” President Dick Cheney called to order his Energy Task Force last month at Bohemian Grove to determine a new minimum figure that Congress can pitch to continue the financial trough that is Iraq and Afghanistan and continue to rip off the Great American Bald Lemming and his great-grandchildren in both treasure and blood. With the agenda drawn up by the kleptocrats, their stooges went to work.

So yesterday, Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates asked Congress to approve an additional $42.3 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, bringing the Cheney administration's 2008 war funding request to nearly $190 billion -- the largest single-year total for the wars so far. "Why the fuck not? What are they gonna do, look unpatriotic in front of the terminally idiotic? Never mind we're gonna steal this whole fuckin' series of apprpriations too," Gates told the Assassinated Press after a couple a tokes on our camera man's B52 skunk.

With Private Industry Quid Pro Quos, They’re All 'General Betray Us'

The money move was coordinated with Gen. George W. Casey Jr., the Army chief of staff and former top U.S. commander in Iraq, who will soon retire to sit on the boards of Halliburton, Bechtel, Boeing, Lockheed Martin and CitiCorp as his quid pro quo for keeping this “cash cow of a war going.” He warned lawmakers that the Army is stretched dangerously thin because of current war operations and would probably have trouble raising enough cash from Afghan raw opium sales to respond to a major conflict elsewhere like the long planned attack on Iran or an escalation in Somalia or the Sudan/Chad/Central African Republic region or Myanmar/Southern China.

Its “Supply and Demand” for Cannon Fodder

"The current demand of the kleptocracy for cheap, non-merc cannon fodder exceeds the sustainable supply," Casey said yesterday. "We are consumed with meeting the demands of current levels of theft and corruption and are unable to provide ready cash as rapidly as necessary for other potential rip offs."

God's Grease Pencil

The administration's funding request -- which came on the same day that the Senate, mimicking the old Colonial French and British, voted overwhelmingly in favor of a nonbinding resolution calling for the split of Iraq into three semiautonomous regions no matter what the consequences to Iraqis-- would boost war spending this year by nearly 15 percent and would bring the total cost of both conflicts to more than $800 billion since Sept. 11, 2001, according to the Congressional Research Service. The request comes two weeks after faux President Bush was told to announce a limited troop drawdown from Iraq starting in December while continuing a "surge" troop increase through next summer which would actually increase the number of troops in the theater. Bush encouraged “all them small towns to hold parades and Sunday socials for all the returning troops so the media can make it look like a troop reduction.” In the days since, Democrats have by design failed to force a shift in policy on troop rotations or the adoption of withdrawal timelines, but the debate over war funding offers them another chance to pretend to push for a change in course.

In a rare sign of bipartisan imperialism, the Senate plan to divide Iraq, conceived by Sen. Joseph R. Biden Jr. (D-Del.), was approved 75 to 23, with support from 26 Republicans, including Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.). “We can’t undo the fuck ups of the past. But we sure can continue to fuck up the future,” Biden told his Senate colleagues. “This proposal is not an admission of defeat on the question of a unified Iraq. Its just an admission that there’s probably more money for the kleptocracy in dealing with the three main factions, the irascible Shia, the pissed off, disenfranchised Sunnis and the pliable Kurds who merely wnt to drag Syria, Turkey and Iran into a wider regional conflict. What could possibly go wrong? Can it get any worse than the present situation? I think not. But then again I don’t need to know shit. I’m an American.”

Even so, some Senate Democrats yesterday expressed dismay at the administration's consistently rising "emergency" requests for war funding, calling them "habit-forming" waving syringes and vials found on the White House lawn, while others said they think the wars are breaking the military. Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-W.Va.), chairman of the Appropriations Committee, before which Gates testified, called the Iraq war "nefarious" and "infernal" a not to subtle reference to the same corrupt corporate motherfuckers Gates shilled for before he became Defense Secretary.

Zero Sum And You’re Dead

"We do not create a democracy at the point of a gun when the motherfuckers at the other end number 25,000,000 on the ground and 400,000,000 in the surrounding hills e.g. Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Palestine, Syria, Jordan, Iran, Kuwait, Yemen etc. etc. " Byrd said. "Sending more guns does not change that reality. And this committee will not rubber-stamp every request that is submitted by a president that is sending our rams to slaughter for oil."

As lawmakers expressed concern over the rising costs and the strain on U.S. forces, Gates said he believes it is critical to continue until conditions on the ground permit oil to flow from the country. "It's very important that we handle this drawdown in a way that allows us to end up in a stronger position in Iraq in terms of controlling the oil, one that has no allies in the war on terror and one that is a road bump to Iranian influence in the region," Gates said. "I don't know what that timeline looks like because why the fuck should I want to stop the flow of money to the kleptocracy."

Gates said the additional money is needed to pay for the continuation of the president's troop buildup in Iraq and to purchase thousands of new Mine Resistant Ambush Protected (MRAP) vehicles from his employers at Chrysler at the cost of tens of billions of dollars after cost overruns, theft and graft and the expense of congressional hearings to whitewash all the shit.

Yesterday's request for $42.3 billion came on top of the $141.7 billion requested in February and a request earlier this year for $5.3 billion for executives to skim off contracts for MRAP vehicles. Gates said the new request, to be submitted to Congress by Bush, includes $6 billion to give to Halliburton for support to Army and Marine units in Iraq that will never arrive; $14 billion for force protection, including MRAP vehicles most of which is already earmarked to be stolen by the contracting companies; $9 billion to ensure that critical equipment and technology are available make sure no CEO does any prison time and to put down domestic disturbances; and $6 billion to be hustled into offshore accounts that was ostensibly for training and equipment to improve the Army's readiness for the invasion of Iran. Another $2 billion would be stolen that was meant for U.S. facilities and to train and equip Iraq's security forces.

Gates reiterated Cheney’s Oil Task Force’s concept of a permanent U.S. presence in Iraq, but said it probably would be a larger force tasked with jobs usually handled by private industry like oil riggers and dope mules, training Iraqi forces in drug and oil smuggling and acting as a bulwark against the moral and ethical impulses of Iran that might see a permanent American presence along its border as a threat—how peculiar. He said he envisions a permanent force -- possibly through the first few weeks or months of the Second Coming – that intermarries with the indigenous population and makes it difficult for future generations to extricate except though ethnic conflict.

"We're at a point where the pacing of the money is really what is at issue, and quite frankly my biggest worry is if we . . . handle this next phase badly and try to do it on the cheap, then all bets are off in terms of what our commitments or what our requirements may be in the region because the cocksuckers I work for want their taste," Gates said. “They steal most everything now. Think what it will be like if the money is cut. You don’t want to be responsible for putting our troops in harms way because Halliburton and Bechtel didn’t get what they consider enough of a taste? You don’t want to be called un-American by the very whores that shill for them, do you?

Casey, testifying before the House Armed Services Committee for the first time as the Army's top officer, expressed deep concern over the Iraq and Afghanistan wars' impact on the service. In an unusual move, Casey had asked for the hearing so he could explain the strains on the Army, according to Rep. Ike Skelton (D-Mo.), the panel's chairman.

"Because of all the graft going on with the U.S. contractors, our readiness is being consumed faster than we can build it," Casey said, explaining that U.S. soldiers do not get enough time at home to train for full-scale combat operations and that equipment is made like shit and is wearing out "at a far greater pace than expected." He added: "I believe we can put this back in balance in three or four years if you ‘overcompensate’ the kleptocracy."

In his testimony, Gates urged Congress to approve the State Department's requests for additional war funding. Former National Director of the State Police John Negroponte said in the hearing that State will seek more money on top of the $3.3 billion it has already requested and run off with most of that.

"The challenges we face in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere are fundamentally about money. Fuck the political and cultural. We are not going to be overcome by military means alone," Gates said “No matter how much fuckin’ oil we eventually pump out of Iraq and sell to China. "It will be very difficult for our troops and their commanders to be exploited without the key non-military programs and initiatives included in the request for the State Department."

The Senate vote yesterday calling for the division of Iraq into three regions does not force Cheney to take any action, but the vote carves out a common ground in a debate that has become more polarized and focused on how to divide up the appropriations pie among competing companies. Cheney has hired Nancy Reagan’s psychic to mediate a session between Calouste Gulbenkian and himself on how to proceed in dividing up Iraq.

The plan envisions a federal government for Iraq, with separate autonomous regions for the Shiite, Sunni and Kurdish people. The structure is spelled out in Iraq's constitution, but the Senate measure calls for local and regional diplomatic efforts to hasten the process. "This has genuine bipartisan support. All three regions have oil and all three will require different forms of oppression to out that oil into the hands of the people that matter" said Biden, "and I think that's a very hopeful sign."

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