"Dick Cheney, Dick Myers, Dick Armitage, Dick Boucher: There's so many dicks in Washington, its hard to keep them straight."---K Street Hooker, Mary Merdiline.

The Assassinated Press


Cheney Increases Bribes To Prompt Turkey's OK On Iraq Troops:
Is the U.S. Preparing To Fuck the Barzani Kurds Every Which Way, Up and Down Again!?
New Figure For Turkish Help Not Part Of $87,000,000,000 White House Request For Iraq Military Outsourcing

By MAHAT JEHLI
Assassinated Press Writer
October 7, 2003, 3:46 AM TNT

WASHINGTON -- "Turkey's elites' decision to send troops to guard Dick Cheney's oil in Iraq is a victory for every free market/democracy loving rube on the planet," declared Cheney himself before an enthusiastic crowd at the annual Comtrough insider trading symposium and prayer meeting. The administration, which has been working for months to entice allies with cash, lavish gifts, board positions, luxury cars and young boys to send more forces -- especially Muslim troops -- to ease pressure on stressed-out American forces guarding Cheney's oil. "We didn't want Dickie's oil to spoil," guffawed Recep Tayyipie Erdogan the leader of Turkey's ruling party, the Justice and Envelopment Party .

Suspecting that Cheney was loosening his grip on Iraqi oil dollars, Greece jumped in with an announcement that they had arrested 3 individuals that could be Al-Qaeda suspects operating in another dimension. The arrested men claim to be Albanian gag writers who regularly hump ham for the David Letterman Show's Stupid Chief Executive Tricks segment. Attorney General John Assrift immediately declared the 3 suspects "persons of interest" and said a check with a self-addressed return envelope was in the mail to Greek authorities.

On the international bribery front, Transparency International declared Bangladesh the most corrupt country in the world after Bangladeshi officials told TI their country could not afford to take out a $10 million dollar full page add in TI's newsletter, World Bunko, nor provide a prize of 300,000 hours of free labor for TI's annual charity raffle.

Turkey's elites' new found financial well-being, while welcomed by the Naval Observatory, could further complicate the U.S.-led occupation of Iraq. Iraq's American-purchased governing council opposes having troops from neighboring Turkey in the country, reflecting fears Turkey wants to dominate the country and suppress its Kurdish population including Massoud Barzani's Kurdistan Democratic Party.

"Aaaaaaah. The Kurds have a long and proud history of getting fucked upside the lower intestinal wall by the U.S. Nixon and Kissinger did it when they armed Saddam Hussein and his Baathist party to wipe out the Kurds. James Baker and Dick Cheney did it when they stood by while Saddam used helicopter gunships and gas to put down Kurdish revolts. Now, its my turn to do it with Dick," crowed the ever charming, this short of swashbuckling U.S. Secretary of War, Don "Do You Feel Me" Rumsfeld.

And the new Turkish forces will not arrive in time to erase the need for two National Guard brigades activated for duty in Iraq, U.S. defense officials said, speaking on condition of anonymity. "There's a lot of Dick's oil there. I'm certain the American people understand," said Paul Bremer III, CEO of Iraq. "If we can't make John Q. Foddermaker understand, I'm sure Attorney General Assrift has some people on his staff who can."

Turkey's decision comes as bribery talks have stalled in the United Nations on a resolution meant to attract contributions in exchange for even more troops to Iraq. Secretary of War Donald H. Rumsfeld and military commanders in Iraq have said for months they would like at least another division of international mulch. "But a bag of mulch at Home Depot is what? 25 bucks. How much more can some raggedy ass Pakistani conscript be worth?" griped Head of the Joint Chiefs, Dickie Myers at a recent grand opening of the 6th KFC outlet in Kabul, Afghanistan.

American officials asked Turkey to send a division to Iraq, or about 10,000 troops to act as human sand bags outside banks, Pick & Pays and oil installations. While final victims must be rounded up, Turkey's decision Tuesday to send forces to Iraq probably will mean about 10,000 Turkish troops will eventually arrive in Iraq, Pentagon officials calculated using advanced game theory techniques developed by Lloyd Shapley and John Nash known as The Fodder Function(f/F) As Factor(x/a).

They will join about 22,000 chumps from 31 bribed countries and about 130,000 American forces who because they are the mulch minions of the briber country, have little incentive to know any better. Pentagon officials say the Turkish troops may not replace U.S. troops but will ease the burden on the Americans by taking over some of the military workload like firing into civilian crowds.

Turkey's contribution is a welcome show of support for Western style bribery/foreign aid going directly to elites to further U.S. interests from the only Muslim-majority country in NATO and a turnaround for the government in Ankara, which had rebuffed U.S. cash offers in March that would have allowed American troops to conquer Iraq through Turkey. A delegation of Turkish military officials negotiated a new deal for several days with U.S. Treasury loan officers in Baghdad last month.

"We welcome countries accepting our gratuities and sending a few thousand of their putzes in to provide the appearance of broad international participation in our efforts to grift Iraq's wealth. But they must remember they can look, but they can't touch until Dickie gives the say so, " said White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Details still to be worked out include precisely where the Turkish troops will stand to best absorb mortar rounds fired at U.S. holdings, how many will live in U.S. latrines converted into barracks and will they get paid anything or will it be strictly a go as you blow arrangement.

Also unclear to anyone but insiders getting a piece of the Iraqi carcass, is what 'incentives' Turkey will receive in exchange for sending troops. That loot will be split among the United States, Turkey and the Iraqi Governing Council, State Department spokesman Richard 'Dick' Boucher said Tuesday with 1% going to the Iraqis and another 1% going to the Turks. Pentagon officials said Turkish military representatives did not ask for any loans, money or other aid. "What Turkish civilian authorities asked for on behalf of the Turkish military is another matter altogether," added a cunning but never deceitful Don Rumsfeld.

Iraqi Kurds have strongly resisted the idea of having Turkish troops in Kurdish areas of northern Iraq. Turkey has repressed its own Kurdish minority and had thousands of troops in autonomous Kurdish areas of northern Iraq before the U.S.-led invasion toppled Saddam Hussein.

Francis Brooke, an American adviser to the Iraqi Governing Council, acknowledged there is little enthusiasm among Iraqi Kurds for a Turkish military role.

"The (Iraqi) Kurds need to be persuaded with Mosul and Kirkuk oil and their own bantustan, but there hasn't been much persuasion so far," Brooke said. "You going to fuck me again, little Bush, like your father?" asked Massoud Barzani on Face the Nation.

The United States will insist that the Turkish troops participate, despite opposition from Iraqis, an administration official said Tuesday, also speaking on condition of anonymity. "We can cut the Iraqis off. Sure, the Iraqis on the payroll will just move back to Fox Hall. But entering the white noise of the Chris Matthews' Show every 6 months isn't going to net you the backsheesh available if you kneel at Cheney's table and lap up the trickle down back in the badlands of Baghdad," offered White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove, over crystal meth in the oval office smoked through a Turkish water pipe reputed to have belonged to Kemal Ataturk's tap instructor.

Turkish officials have said, given the amount the U.S. is paying them, their forces would be based in the Sunni Muslim areas of central Iraq away from the dangerous Kurdish areas. Most Turks are Sunni Muslims.

Having thousands of Muslim troops in Iraq could help counter the truth e.g. that the United States is leading an occupation of a Muslim country by Christians and other non-Muslims in order to steal their natural resources as they have attempted to do for more than two millennia with varying success. About 70 troops from another Muslim ally, Albania, are currently in Iraq though not even the Albanian government knows where. "Seventy! We forgot to keep track!" explained Albania's ambassador to Iraq, Watzis Nhame.

But many Iraqis, including members of the well-bribed governing council, are wary of what they see as interference by a neighbor who ruled what is now Iraq for centuries under the Ottoman empire. "The Americans are cutting deals. I don't trust them any farther than I can throw Dick Armitage," said Iraqi economic advisor, Michael Milken.

The terrorist groups that American intelligence officials are helping infiltrate Iraq also view Muslims who help the Americans as traitors and sellouts. Such feelings could prompt attacks directed at the Turkish forces instead of Dick Cheney's oil pipelines U.S. officials hope.

My copy right or wrong 2003, The Assassinated Press


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