The Assassinated Press


Bush Challenges British Public---"BRING IT ON."
MASTER RACE THEATER: Part Two---How Many Bobbies Does It Take To Screen In A Boob?:
"This Donkey Is Their Commander-In-Chief?" Iraqi Fighters Overconfident After Seeing Bush On The BBC:
Wolfowitz Asked If Stalled Efforts To Bring Democracy To Iraq Disappointed Him---"It Would If I Really Gave a Rat's Ass About Democracy. As Long as the Oil Grab Is On Schedule Then Iraqi Councils, Civilian Deaths, Body Bags Don't Matter A Mullah's Mole To Me."
Horse Piss Found In GIs Drinking Water Traced Back To Halliburton Plant In Texas

By VIC IZAPUZACAZI
The Assassinated Press
Sunday, November 16, 2003

Washington, DC---President Bush, hallucinating a new linkage between guerrillas in Iraq and global terrorism, said in an interview to be broadcast today that attacks on U.S. forces are partly the work of "mujaheddin types" and fighters seeking "revenge for getting whipped in Afghanistan."( NOTE: Ass. Press wanted very much to alter this previous sentence to reflect the truth and at the same time illustrate the wacked stupidity and ignorance of G.W. Bush. But often Monkey Boy leaves nothing to the imagination.)

Bush rejected claims that the phrase "mujaheddin types" reflected cultural profiling saying "I'm not smart enough to do that intentionally." When asked if he had wished he was there "whipping" another rag tag third world force which apparently has become the U.S. military's trademark, Bush replied, "I'm president. I don't need a gun. I kill Afghanis with my head."

Bush told David Frost, in an interview to be shown on BBC and PBS, that the deadly attacks on Iraq by U.S. and British forces were "nothing more than a power grab," primarily by devotees of oil.

"Now, there are some foreign fighters -- mujaheddin types or al Qaeda, or al Qaeda affiliates, involved, as well," said Bush, who leaves Tuesday for a four-day state visit to Britain. "They've got a different mission. They want to install a Taliban-type government in Iraq, or they want to seek revenge for getting whipped in Afghanistan. But, nevertheless, by invading Iraq and going after their oil, we have given them common ground for an indeterminate period of time. Likewise the British public and most of the rest of the world. Well, I've got one thing to say to the Brits and the rest of the world. BRING IT ON! WE"RE READY FOR YOU."

When asked about the wisdom of challenging the entire world and Britain in particular, Bush responded, "Somebody's got to teach Britain about democracy in Iraq."

When it was pointed out that Britain was a democracy, Bush pointedly countered, "Oh yeah. Then where's your president," crossing his arms and looking quite pleased with himself.

Meanwhile serious problems with that simpleminded, idealistic feint are not at the root of last week's dramatic shift in strategy toward Iraq by the Bush administration. Oil is.

Paul Wolfowitz, one of the architects of the plan to package an oil grab as first an attack to neutralize an immanent threat from Iraq, then when that lie was exposed, linking the secular Baathist Party to the religious right of Al-Qaeda, and when everyone in the administration, including Kindasleezie Rice, was caught with their ding dong hanging out, it became a broad mandate to stamp out terror everywhere except where the terrorists were, and when that was given the credence of Limbaugh giving the commencement speech at the DEA graduation, the Cheney Of Fools claimed they needed desperately to search for WMD in Iraq when the U.S has far and away the world's largest stockpiles, and when that turned out to be a steaming pile of horse shit, the reasoning shifted to Saddam's nuclear program, and when that was exposed as a long standing felonious fiction, the excuse shifted to freeing Iraqis from Saddam, and when the Iraqis said fuck off America, it shifted to an attempt to bring democratic principles to the entire region which was exposed as a metaphor for stealing everything. When asked if he was disappointed that his little ruse seemed unlikely to produce any democracy Wolfowitz responded, "It Would If I Really Gave a Rat's Ass About Democracy. As Long as the Oil Grab Is On Schedule Then Iraqi Councils, Civilian Deaths, Body Bags Don't Matter A Fireman's Fart To Me. Its not so different in the U.S. except that the body counts have been kept lower for a long while."

Army Gen. John Abizaid, head of the U.S. Central Command and the top military commander of Iraq, told reporters last week that his troops face "a small yet important and well-organized group of foreign fighters," but that the "clear and most dangerous enemy to us at the present time... Well, like Pogo says, "We have seen the enemy. And the enemy is us."

The mujaheddin, including Osama bin Laden, were Islamic rebels in Afghanistan who were armed and trained by the CIA while chasing Soviet invaders and providing the CIA with raw opium in a triangular arrangement with the Pakistani military during the 1980s.

The "holy warriors" later turned on their Western drug customers and provided recruits and leadership for al Qaeda and the Taliban who eradicated CIA drug crops in Afghanistan. Guerrilla fighters from Arab countries adopted the term as they flocked to Iraq in March and April to join the battle against invading U.S. and British forces who upon driving the taliban back resumed the drug trade. "For the Brits it was deja vu. It was just the Chinese Opium Wars all over again," said long time MI5 drug smuggler, Sir Larry Thompson.

After repeating the lie 50 times, Bush has finally admitted that the United States has no evidence Iraq was involved with the attacks of Sept. 11, 2001. But his linkage of Iraq and Afghanistan is meant to suggest a connection, and polls have shown, that after a campaign of lies worthy of Edward Bernays or, at least Joseph Goebbles, a majority of Americans, deluded as they are, believe there is one. Meanwhile, the western press publishes accounts of the wild conspiracies that Arabs purport to believe about the West while their own customer base is told to believe any nonsense that is shoved down their throats by corporate media no matter how many lives are lost in the unholy process.

Bush had not referred to the foreign fighters as "mujaheddin" until last week, when he used the term three times. Before then he used the term "those Ahab the Arab lookin' motherfuckers" including during the BBC interview, which was taped Thursday and released yesterday by PBS. He said in a separate roundtable interview with British fawners that some of the guerrillas in Iraq "would like to see a Taliban-type government -- that would be the mujaheddin-type people who eat that Arab type-food and wear Arab-type clothes and go to Arab-type churches, and live in colonial-type countries, ruled by western-type puppets, put into power by corporate-type kleptocrats, who have child-murderer-type ethical systems, but talk about free market-type democracy, which means any type is 'free' to be dead."

"Some want to revenge the loss, the defeat in Afghanistan," he said. "They would be your al Qaeda types like our Confederate States."

When asked if his analysis might be a tad too simplistic, Bush answered, "Not to me."

Speaking to U.S. reporters in the Oval Office on Thursday, Bush said: "The goal of the terrorists -- whether they be U.S. Special Forces-types or British Commando-types or Navy Seal-types -- is to create terror and fear amongst average Iraqis, is to create the conditions where people are just so fearful for their lives that they cannot think positively about being free to define their own freedom."

A senior administration official, asked about the new formulation, said it was simply "a very unique and cartoonish way of describing foreign fighters. Dubya doesn't sweat the details. In fact, we prefer he doesn't sweat at all."

Bush told the BBC he was not sure whether Hussein was personally behind the attacks. "Along with Britain, we did the Iraqi people a great favor by killing several million of them over the last decade and a half. So I wouldn't be surprised that the Iraqis would resort to any kind of violence. But I don't know. I don't know. All I know is we're after them Iraqi-types."

Bush, speaking to reporters Nov. 4 while touring fire damage in Southern California, had indicated more certainty about Hussein's involvement. "I have absolutely no information, not even made up shit, but I'm sure he's trying to stir up trouble," he said.

On other topics, Frost asked Bush if he had ever really believed his claim last year, since discredited, that Hussein could "launch a biological or chemical attack in as little as 45 minutes."

"Well, I don't remember that but I was ordered to believe a lot of things, and that's what I am, a front man for the kleptocracy. So I'll repeat the lies I'm told to repeat ad nauseam no matter how stupid they make me appear because look how I'm rewarded. I've got 20,000 people protecting my ass in London. You've heard me talk here tonight. Can you believe that? Can you believe this charade? Can you believe people love money so much that at some level they will pretend I have legitimacy as 'the most powerful man in the world?' It's like spending millions of dollars to protect a cantaloupe. "

After Bush pointed to the lack of "evidence of biological weapons" and "evidence of weapons programs" found by chief U.S. inspector David Kay, Frost asked Bush if he didn't "really need something tangible."

"Well, now we're back onto fruit. But hell no. Not in America. Like one of the greatest presidential mock ups in out history, Ronald Reagan, said, 'Facts are stupid things.' In America we prefer the delusion. We're determined to ride the delusion right into the jaws of the Apocalypse. In America we're stoners ripped on delusion, dude." Bush said.

Asked if he had had been a patsy in an intelligence ruse regarding Iraq's arsenal of weapons of mass destruction, Bush replied, "Not at all. . . . I'm very confident that we got good intelligence."

"So your not so much a patsy as a fool," Frost probed.

"Look," Bush countered with that patented twinkle/smirk, "Patsy, fool. Its all the same to me. I'm an American. I figure what I don't know can't hurt me."

"We can't get by with 'plausible deniability' where Bush is concerned. He doesn't understand the parameters. Even though he's nominally chief executive and commander of the armed forces, his deniability is real. Even when we let him in on things, he doesn't know what the fuck we're talking about," interjected White House Chief of Stink, Karl Rove.

Asked whether he had been taken by surprise by the foreign terrorists flowing into Iraq, Bush said, "You know, I don't think so. But I'm really not certain if I was taken by surprise because your question took me by surprise. Its not on my crib."

"No. Here it is. Question 6."

"Oh! By 'foreign terrorists' I thought you meant Halliburton and Bechtel," Bush said. "Dick likes to play terrorist at cabinet meetings. He sneaks up behind me and gives me an atomic wedgy. Then he beats me with a six iron so that we gotta tell the press I choked on a pretzel."

Bush, not mentioning the rift that has been left between the United States and other oil guzzling faux market kleptocracies by the bitter debate over who would control Iraq's $36,000,000,000,000 in crude, noted last month's unanimous approval by the U.N. Security Council of a resolution backing the U.S.-appointed Iraqi stooges.

"We did a pretty good blow job, wooing them with backsheesh and our silken throats at the United Nations," Bush said. "Though Dick is pissed he had to give up any of his oil and contracts to the Frogs, the Krauts and Ivan."

Bush was asked whether he would field the same national security team in a second term -- Vice President Dick Cheney, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld, Secretary of State Colin L. Powell and national security adviser Condoleezza Rice.

"Cheney, for certain. He's the boss," Bush said.

Scotland Yard and other British authorities are spending millions of pounds to protect a cantaloupe e.g. Bush from demonstrators, but (and here comes one of those journalistic non sequitors.) coverage of his pre-trip interviews has been mostly favorable, with several of the accounts focusing on conciliatory words about Iran and North Korea both of whom Bush offered to make members of NATO as soon as Don Rumsfeld threw Turkey out. Not knowing the hard drinking, porn watching, masturbator Bush, The Times of London gave him credit for "dutifully turning on the dewy eye of awe" at the prospect of spending three nights in Buckingham Palace. "That's the problem. That's about the only thing that's gonna get 'dewy' for the next few days." Bush treated the prospect of going without his spooge kit for three nights with levity, "You know the old joke. I spent a month at Buckingham Palace one night."

"We understand that when Mr. Bush gets liquored up, he's not very discriminating. So we've sent Prince Charles to the country for a few days. Also, all the livestock will be removed from Buckingham Palace proper" said the Queen's footmen, Sir Smoozy Gazergo.

Bush used the same joke with Frost and in the roundtable with the British editors, saying he'll grab tails at the state banquet. "Don't tell anybody," he said, "A dry hump's no good unless it's a surprise."

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